Don't know where to post this.

[loveherstill]

Sandi,

I think that you hit the nail on the head perfectly. I am showing her now that I am here for her if she needs me, but I have refused to enable her in the affair. I am in IC to work on me and she starts IC Feb 3rd. I wish to never tear her down again and I wish to help her rebuild her self esteem. Her love language is words of validation and she does pay for them with sex. I have been giving her words of validation and refusing sexual touch from her at the same time. I will accept hugs and I will hold her but I want her to understand that she is not a sexual object (I can always use a hand) for anyone's use but instead is a special woman to be loved. I am walking the line between pursuit and distance right now. I will not use her for sexual gratification and will not ML to her when she is with OM. I want her, but I want all of her (heart, mind, and soul) and I want to give my all to her. She now knows this and does not need to be told again. I will never just f*@k her and will only ML to her again when she has decided enough with OM and I have seen NC letter.

Sandi, please continue to weigh in as you have a understanding on this particular sitch. I wish smartcookie could weigh in as well.

I have been controlling so I am trying to 180 that without being a doormat. I know that she is deeply hurt, and confused and more messed up than ever in her life and that I had a huge hand in causing that.

I do know that when she is in my arms she sometimes weeps and holds me tighter. I say nothing I am just there to hold her and try to make her feel safe as she processes her feelings.

I think IC will help her more than I ever could and now I am just buying time until it starts.

Thank you very much Sandi for the smack of truth. I know that OM has nothing to do with sex or looks but is only there for validation of her beauty. I will continue to validate her looks, cooking, mothering, art, and work accomplishments as that is what she needs to heal, but I will not include sexual contact as part of that.

She feels cheap and used right now by OM and by me. She feels that she is little more than a common whore and she does not deserve a second chance. She has said this to me and to others.

I have told her that we both made mistakes in the marriage and that her A has been a wake up call to me for the way that I treated her and that I wish to be a better man for myself as much as for her and the children, but we could not work on R as long as she was continuing her A.