Thought I was done

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Bill,
Sorry to see you back but it looks like you're getting some good guidance here. You sound so much stronger and wiser, but please be careful. IMHO, it sounds like your W keeps pushing the focus back onto what YOU have done to her! Ironically. She doesn't ever reference how devastating all this has been for you. Just my 2 cents. However, your sitch sounds hopeful and I wish you the best possible outcome for you. I think the personal growth you've done while terribly painful over the last yr. is going to put you in good place no matter what the outcome for your M. Wihsing good things for you in this new year!
LFA

[karen43]

We had a coversation today - she mentioned going to Disneyland again. I said there's a long road between here and there... we're talking about family therapy, now my job to set it up.

As long as OM is in the picture, then I don't think there should be any discussion of Disneyland or any other kind of trip. Consequences.

It was hard to leave tonight, and she was a little more distant - though she went from saying "can you leave after the boys go to bed, I need some time to myself" to asking me to stay and watch TV with her.

You sound like you have the classic distancer-pursuit relationship. You pursuit her and she distances herself, when she thought you gave up the pursuit, then she was interested. If you are interested in making your M work, and I emphasize if, then you need to work on no pursuit. Leave before she asks you. That's classic DB technique. You shouldn't be rushing into anything anyway at this point. Slow and steady.

Anyway, it seems that the moments that I send her the terse emails, put up the walls, are the moments that spook her.

My thoughts on this are first of all, well of course you're going to put up walls after all the crap she's thrown at you. Only common sense. She needs to earn your trust back if you're interested in keeping your M intact. I think you should give up the terse emails though.

[NoLongerHere]

Hey guys! LFA, thank you so much for well wishes. Yeah, I'm certainly in a stronger place than I was. Honestly, moving out was a big step. Could finally get a good night's sleep, stopped feeling like I had to throw up every morning. I guess it was another step towards acceptance.

Interesting, I discovered this weekend that I sleep better alone in my apartment than I do in my house with my wife.

Karen - yeah, slow is the word. It's weird - she's so sensitive now to if I'm going to be mad at her. Responds to expressions on my face... when she brought up Disneyland I think she was immediately embarassed that she said it based on my reaction. So, now when we have good times she's anticipating me swinging back the next day - pushing her away I guess, getting mad at myself for letting her in again, getting mad at her.

I haven't had an objective for awhile - it was easier to not think about it, I'd accepted divorce, so when we were getting along, it was nice to go see a movie together, whatever. And yes, then I would go cold.

I guess, when she started to warm a little, it made me angry. Yeah, OM - that sends me around the bend. I get the "how dare you" feeling, get the thought that I want to end this marriage as soon as possible, and send the email that says "I'm seperating our finances today. Thanks." And she is sooooo sensitive to that - MY mood. Still.

She had bought food to make a favorite meal of mine when I "went cold", or whatever we want to call it, last week. Was doing something nice.

If you are interested in making your M work, and I emphasize if...

So that's the real question.

I would want so much from her if this happens. Counciling. Working on rebuilding trust. I want her to be invested and do the work. She knows this, and she's said she doesn't want to do it. But now I catch her, saying things like "if this divorce actually goes through..."

She talked to her mother on Sunday about the weekend, and the takeaway was "life is messy, you do the best that you can." Dismissive. And she's coming to the realization that she won't be able to afford the house and investigating selling it. Moving forwad with the D.

We've both realized that we're going to be married for awhile, the lawyers aren't really doing anything.

So - baby steps. Family counciling for the boys. Sure.

I felt the anxiety come back yesterday. Yeah - with the tiny little bit of hope, comes the big load of anxiety. It's managable now, but there it is. Hoping is hard. Better to take it as it comes. I guess I'm just going to play it cool for awhile. "Do nothing." Don't overthink it.

[NoLongerHere]

Well, now she's swung completely the other way. Wants court dates as soon as possible. Pulling away hard. Saying that I have all the control.

I don't have much time to type, need to go. Just - aaarrggghhh. So confusing. SHe called me yesterday morning, wanting to talk to me, now she's bitter and tearful, just wants to be away from me. Said there was no connection this weekend, how could it have been loving? I have all the control and she just wanted me to be nice to her.

Yeah. Sunday she was talking about Disneyland and going shopping to buy me clothes.

I am disappointed, but not suprised. Have to go -

[MarkG]

Definitely back off for a while, work on yourself, let your wife think it out without your influence. You can't help the situation, just take yourself out of it and things will turn around whether it involves your wife or not.

[NoLongerHere]

Yeah, I guess. I honestly feel like I've been hit by a truck. I've wanted to call her, but I don't know what I would say that wouldn't be counterproductive. You know the whole DBing thing.

I hate that we could be so intimate, so close, and be back here the next day.

She feels dependent on me. The control thing is financial. We talked last night, and even sitting quietly talking, she said that she didn't feel like she could get up and end the conversation without my - I don't know - acknowledgement. I'm sorry, that's weird. I never asked, needed, wanted, or expected that.

Yeah, I want to say to her, it doesn't have to be like this. We don't have to do this. Please. But I won't.

She told me she loved me all weekend.

She is very emotional, there's a lot going on. I don't know what's coming next. I probably need a break from her too. I just know, now she's coming with the court dates, now she wants the divorce as quickly as possible. I certanly don't feel like the one with control.

She gave me the "you don't know what it's like to be a woman and be dependent on someone else" line. Every since I've known her, she's had this line of thinking. And now she says, she feels so vunerable with me, like I could at any moment "do something".

I'm not a "do something to hurt someone" kind of guy. But, at this point, talking about settlement and seperating our finances, she's taking it that way.

OK gotta go

[NoLongerHere]

Ah. Well, she called me up and we went to lunch. Talked. This doesn't look good. Yeah, she's pushing forward.

Talking about what happened this weekend, she said she just needed to feel good for awhile.

She also said something like she tried, and nothing changed.

I guess we just retread the same ground as I've typed before.

I don't know what I'm feeling now.

[MarkG]

Add some distance again, make her chase you, don't jump the gun so soon this time. She'll flip-flop a lot, basically if she doesn't have you she wants you, and if she has you she doesn't want you, but if you wait longer and make her want you longer without giving in she'll see what she's missing more and more. Just hang in there.

[NoLongerHere]

Yeah. Distance, you're right.
We talked on the phone yesterday, and I was over there last night. Talking a lot about the process - how to get the lawyers to work together, can we negotiate vs. getting court dates. She tends to say one thing and do another, so I don't trust her, but we continue talking about working together.

Gave her a support proposal a few weeks ago that she's very upset with. I gave my lawyer all our tax documentation, and there's a lot in there that my W doesn't consider her income. So the proposal is low in her eyes. So there's a lot of tension around that.

I asked her, you're telling all your friend I'm a bastard? She said, yeah I rant to my friends. So - when she drew up to me while watching TV, I asked her, do you tell your friends about this part?

She said no. Do you?
I said yep.
And she said, they must think I'm using you.
And I said, yep, they do.
And then she said, yeah, probably not a good idea, and sat on her own.

I went over there because I told her I wanted to see the kids. She said, why don't you have dinner, stay and watch TV for awhile. I got a pizza.

Gotta go -

[MarkG]

Good luck. My W twisted stories badly and I lost a lot of friends who think a lot of things about me aren't true. Take the high road, keep yourself clean, and it will all come out in the end.