The problem with (generally speaking, not you per say) knocking somebody down then giving it back is the power struggle you both create.
Once a power struggle is established it is *very* hard to break. SOMEBODY has to change the dynamic and it will most probably have to be you.
When you (again, generally speaking) you don't feel heard communication tends to break down. The breakdown is different for everybody but not being heard = self protection and self protection = trouble.
My MIL was a great lady. She didn't have the easiest childhood. Her dad died when she was young and her mom was an alcoholic that spent most of her time with sleazy men. My MIL's sister is a few years older than her. My MIL was very close to her dad and not at all close to her mom. It was the opposite case for her sister.
My MIL and her sister are both in their 60's now, their mom has been deceased for close to 40 years and the power struggle over the R's with their mom still exists between them. Instead of discussing it and coming to some resolution they keep the power struggle alive by "knocking one another down". It is a very sad and very destructive R. The literally will go months w/o talking as they both feel "the phone works both ways and why should I call first" and when one of them finally swallows their pride and calls, all they do is hit one another below the belt.
40 years of "back and forth" and "knocking one another down" for what? How much longer should this go on? How can it change? Well, ONE of them could take a few steps but neither of them will.
When you are locked in a power struggle it is very hard to embrace the good things. Don't let the good things be buried under nonsense. What is more important? Rebuilding your very long term marriage or planning the next comeback you can throw at your H when he throws them at you?
