Not Me...Ever part 2

[SDFoundGirl]

(((Serenity)))

Can you get to a place where your S's actions aren't about you? Because they really aren't. They're about him, his dad leaving, his teenagehood, his testing of boundaries. Kids this age are...hmmm...interesting. They stay pretty interesting until they hit college and rediscover that their parents aren't as stupid as they thought they were.

It's time to DB your son. If he starts to spew, put the hand up and firmly say, "Son, I understand you're going through a lot right now and I am willing to talk to you about anything you want to talk about. However, it is NOT okay for you to speak to me like this, and I will not listen to any disrespect. When you want to have a civil conversation about whatever is bothering you, I am available. Until then, keep it to yourself." Then walk away.

No crying in front of him in response to his behavior as this just makes him feel more powerful, and THAT'S what's really going on with him: he feels powerless. He's not abusing his father, because his father will send him back to you. Your S knows you're the safe place. He's pursuing dad, he's taking the frustration out on you.

If you can, get a copy of HOW TO TALK SO KIDS CAN LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS CAN TALK. As a teacher, it was INVALUABLE. There are many, many strategies in the book, and it seems to all be around listening, validating and setting clear boundaries. I recommend this book to all my parents! It's pretty cheap too if they don't have it at your local library, around $12 new.

Hang in there. My colleague's daughter screamed at her and told her she was a horrible mother who was too effed up to have kids while they were in the midst of a divorce. Now, 7-8 years later, they are very close, closer than dad and daughter.

This too shall pass...but it's time to find that inner strength and imagine an invisible shield around you. All the nasty words bounce off that shield and fall on the ground. Visualize that!

SD