here we go again

[Jstar]

i need to vent:

This weekend parts really sucked! to begin with sunday wake up t a dead battery and flat tire. So i call my trusty niece and her bf comes over in the morning to jump and put air in tire, so i can get to my dr.s appointment.

we go to appt. and d2 is not allowed to be there anymore incase i have to be taken to the er if baby is in distress. so again call niece to pick up d2.

i pick up d2 after 2.5 hr dr. appt. and try to head home, tire goes immediately flat, i loose it, i'm angry, yellling crying talking to d2 like she's an adult, i hate your father, his friend sold me the car, h knows the freaking rims are shot since his friend put fix a flat in the tires and ate all the rims so every 2-3 months i have to get all new tires.

i'm not made of money, it's raining try the nearest tire repair shope they only accept cash, i never have cash, so i just drive the car home. keep in mind h has not paid phone bill so not like i can just call anyone up or a cab.

so d2 and i go home so i can get myself under control so later we have to walk up to the payphone to call niece again.

she comes over later to pick up d2 and i so we can spend the night at her house and i can get to work without loading my d2 on a bus 8 months pregnant, carrying 2yr old car seat and all my work things.

HATE is a word i do not like to use, but the feeling i am having is tremendous hate for H. he knows car is not all that reliable and his response to everything is well if you don't h elp me first i'm not helping you, if you aren't nice to me, you are desperately wanting my attention blah blha blah. yes that's right,
pregnant, can go into labor anytime, no phone, broke down car, 2yr old, numb hand and fingers, out of breath walking raining nah that's not desperation i don't know what the h@#$ is. he is a major frEERRRTRT loser.

car not fixed have to see each docter every week, and the bastard that i married DOES NOT CARE about me his kid or one inside me fighting for his life!

[Jstar]

been a few days. had to get the car issue taken care of and finally got it done.

gonna get geared up for the weekend.

no much happening on the text front. i guess according to h i must adopt his mexican lifestyle since it's all we have according to him.

i guess he came over to fix my car one night and say i had a car there, my niece and he left, since he said i had them there to help me....though they weren't even at my house, i had to take her car to get d2 and i home.

so i guess to wrap up what i'm supposed to do, is
1. help h first before he is willing to help me
2. adopt his mexican lifestyle since it's all we have
3. be part of his family since it's all we have

all according to h.

[bluerain]

Hi Jstar! Im sorry for the difficulties. I totally understand your frustrations, you have every right to be furious. He is being a total louse right now.

I think that you are setting yourself and your kids up for a good life, and for some reason he wants to be the leader of the family. Thats why he wants you to live with his parents- thats the only way he can be the provider- and thats what he wants to feel like. IMO. Why would you downgrade like that? I wish that I could do more for you from here!

Is there something that you could do for yourself right now? Maybe a pedicure or something like that? I know that your strapped for $$$ right now, but it might be a worthwhile investment!

[Jstar]

He hasn't seen or asked about d2 for a week or two, let alone how pregnancy is doing, duh, he is not going to.

but he sent text last night, I want to pick up d2 tommorrow. yeah that will work, you haven't seen or talked, asked about d2 in weeks and now you want to see her, talk about major confusion for her, do i have a dad? i do, but i see him once or twice a month?

how can any judge give visitation this his track record. i'm going to state grounds of neglect on his part for just abdonening her, never providing his work schedule, visitation schedule nothing.

i'm down to seeing both my dr's each week,and the birth is just a few weeks away. not even the birth of his son motivates him to do anything.

he's not going to change, i believe it, he is a lost cause i know it,.

[Jstar]

so I go to my other dr appointment today where they hook me up for stress test and monitor. come to find out i'm having contractions. nurse was little concerned i did nt' feel them.

with 2 previous children i have never gone into labor but now that i've thought about it, what i feel are contractions but just didn't know they were.

nurse explained my body is getting ready so of course i'm scared. if i go into labor prior to surgery date they have to stop contractions so i can get off a medication then deliever, unless it's an emergency then they are going to take their chances of me bleeding out. hmm not like i need more stress. trying not to worry and just let things happen.

so i wanted to see what h's reaction to me having contractions would be, so he texts back, y dont u drive over to my house and drop d2 off u go home and get some rest. no question of anything how far apart are you in labor.

i had to ask him, are you really that stupid, he said yes. he keeps saying i'm immature and if i wanted to talk to call him. hmm i have talked, he doesn't.

asked him does he think he should be allowed in the delievery, no response.

asked him how did he think it was all going to go down, response i don't know.

i read the other posts and there is a gal who was pregnant,or just had the new baby and husband is in middle of ea/pa. i wonder if she allowed him in room? she is a saint, sees her h 6 days a week so he can see son in her house, etc. which is best for baby.

from what she says she is calm support of her h, me, no way could i be so calm and supportive while my h is screwing someone else with being pregnant or with a newborn. kudos to her.

[bluerain]

Hi Jstar, Exciting, exciting!!! Scary too, but you know everything will be ok. Im sure if it! I think that it would be good for you to not test him by seeing his reaction etc, really it just ends up hurting you and causing you stress doesnt it? Stop engaging him and go dark, you need less stress right now and I think that this is a good way for you to do it.

Your right, you have reached out and told him what you need/want, for some reason, I guess because you havent said what he wants to hear, he is ignoring that. I think that maybe in this case you need to keep on track for what you have been talking about. Going ahead with filing. I would only suggest that you wait to do it until your life has settled down a little. Maybe it will be a wake up call for him, maybe not, but I am not going to sit here and tell you that you need to be patient and let go and let god and all of that. At some point, action needs to be taken, and I dont think that he will respect anything short of legal action from you. Your boundaries have violated everytime you have put them down.

I think that being calm and supportive of your H (as a parent- do you think that it is ok to "support" bad behavior?) is a little different in that case, its awesome to be supportive of his efforts to see his child- if he respects the schedule and boundaries. Of course its best for the child to see his father, but like you have said in your case, the inconsistency is not good. But I think that you have to be careful to not let him have his raunchy sex fantasy with OW and then come home and get to be Mr. Champion Dad/Family Man too. She seems to be doing fine with the way that she is handling things, but each of these sitchs is soooo different, so you cant automatically assume that something that is working in someone elses sitch should work in yours.

[Jstar]

scary and exciting. soon there will be three of us under one roof, don't know what to do with a boy since i have 2 girls. circumcision oh boy.

i totally agree, i can not support bad behavior and choices. he wanted to see d2 today and i said no, have u given me ur work address, schedule, provided me with a routine of consistent visitation times. of course not he's not going to. he's seen d2 maybe 3 =4 times since november and thinks he can just take her when he wants to.

i know my d loves her father but she does not need to see dad 1 month not for another month or who knows when. i strongly believe that is a major harm to her. if i'm wrong, someone please tell me how?

ironically i asked him what was the most important thing in his life, got a long pause like 10 mins, answers back, my kids. wow!

[Jstar]

i am so disappointed in myself. i've done alot of thinking and reflecting.

when we met i was glad to have someone so interested in me, i really did not date or see anyone seriously in a few years. i even just wanted to start and be friends, but things went quickly.

after a few months he was moved in my house and me trying to get pregnant. why? in my first marriage d18 now, i lost custody of her to her father. no bs he had money i didn't he had attorney in custody trial, his attorney was buds with judge. yes went to bar assoc. appealed many years.

i always felt a whole in my heart, against all my beliefs to not be able to raise own child, see her every day get up for school come home have dinner. i even got married a second time. never once did i consider having children with him. we divorced to hard he was from the netherlands his kids were there he was here in us with me.

with current h, we didn't get married rate away. after knowing him for a few months wanted to have children, i was what 37 nearing end of ability to have children. got pregnant, was rocky all through pregnancy, after d2 was born a month or two later i told him i was drowning in water screaming for his help, raising my arms for him to pull me out and he couldn't.

during pregnancy with d2 my grandfather passed away, mother passed away, father passed away. we were all very close except with my father. everyone lived across the street.

after d2 was a few months old h moved out. he was gone for 9 months without seeing d until one day he came out of the blue and said he wanted his family back. i hate myself for taking him back, moving from the family house to one further away and costing much more.

h lived with d2 and i and i became pregnant again. he kept doing the same things, priorities, mil first, drinking, friends, etc. i told him to get out. at thte time no car, carrying d and groceries, a lot of stress, etc i had a miscarriage.

found out i have a blood disorder that makes miscarriage almost definite. even though i carried teh baby to fourth mnth. messed with my head, i remember waking up after the d and c, screaming and crying i blamed h and was so mean, not to mention he took daughter teh next day and was gone for 2 weeks. i tried to committ suicide. my niece blamed him for baby passing away.

that's when his mother kept saying i tried to kill the baby. when i first found out i was pregnant i struggled so much. i felt so trapped all ready having a young child being pregnant with another, the baby probably knew it died for me and the situation.

so when i got pregnant again, every pain ache anything i was having a miscarriage. went to the er like 3 times for fear of loosing him. each time bymyself or with d2 because h was not around. it has been a very long road these 8= 8 1/2 months. i managed to work, take care somewhat my house, d2 deal with h leaving us, inject and be on meds.

i'm scared about money, love all my children which would have been 4 and need to be free from h. he will do nothin but drag us down. i didn't want this life for my kids or me. i don't think any of us on here do of split visitations, the other step parents, still having their x in their lives. maybe in my case he will do what is right and stay away permanently.

[Jstar]

what an enlighting day today has been.

through all the fog i have had for the past 3 years and with one question to h something has become extremely clear. i'm in total disbelief and don't want to believe it but wow.

i asked h what he wants, he said papers to get a normal job so he can support me and the kids.

that was an extremely loaded answer but probably the most honnest he has ever been. people don't worry, i'm not going to sponsor him to be in the united states, u just never thought that he would use me to get legal status in the united states.

makes sense though y he would want to dodge process servers and y he would never file for divorce. he needs to be married to get work permits be allowed to stay in united states. wow is all i keep saying.

i kept saying he is the world's stupidest h, but i am worse then that to be fooled for over 3 years. i just told him, gee guess you should have treated me better, because i'm not doing anything with immigration on his behalf.

WOW!!!

[TrentC]

I'm sorry you had to hear that.

This is part of why I've said a couple of times that you should just take your lumps and turn him in to INS.

His desire to stay off the grid and out of the system is more than just ducking immigration; people like that don't turn around and become law-abiding citizens. He will continue to play games with you and the system.