My wife told me she wanted a divorce in April of 2009. She finally left in November. One of my goals in life is to have a wife who is my best friend. I hope that is my current wife, but it doesn’t seem like it. On our final day together, she told me I could date. I said to her that, since this separation was about her not another man, why didn’t she take six months with limited contact and when we started dating, we would date each other. See where things went. She considered it for a while then told me she wanted the freedom to see other men. I told her that the only option was divorce then because dating/sex is intolerable to me. Of course, she was fine with that. I don’t know if she is dating or having sex, but I wouldn’t be surprised with her new lifestyle (bars and parties multiple nights a week). Alcohol makes the inhibitions and guilt go away.
I guess I’m struggling with the decision to move on. We have only been apart 9 weeks. On one hand, I would love to start meeting people. There is a definite excitement in finding someone who is interested in you and excited by you. On the other hand, I love my wife. I am not in love with her. I have this fool’s dream that she will snap out of it. It’s been a long time though. We first started honestly talking about the condition of the marriage in November of 2008. Love, passion, romance, and attention (probably too much) didn’t work. Actions didn’t work. No contact doesn’t work. Words DEFINITELY didn’t work (I’ve come to believe they only work when they hurt). I changed, got a life (quit smoking, gained 20lbs of muscle, revitalized my relationship with the kids, completely abstained from alcohol, volunteered, took on a second job to get out of debt faster, did spontaneous activities, opened up and communicated).
When do you decide to give up hope? Do you feel guilt? I feel like I will be abandoning her in her time of need, but she abandoned me long ago. I guess the only thing that’s holding me back is the fool’s dream. If I begin dating, I close the door on her forever. Maybe that is a sign the time is not right. But, she became a part of me after 12 years. I have to get out there some time. Not getting any younger. I would stay the course forever if I thought there was hope. I'm not sure that there is.
