Doing my best, I think

[Distressed67]

I'm not suggesting you're shallow (getting laid), that's just my way of expressing myself. I apologize for being insensitive. I know it's about the whole package for you. I'm one of those crazies that like that complete emotional/physical connection too. I'm getting old and jaded.

I know you did not mean it that way but my W has said it that way in the past. I am not very good at explaining it to her she just sees it as me wanting sex and only sex. It might be different now but I’m not a mind reader.

It may have not been your intention to threaten, but that's how it sounded to me. Your conversation sounded like it could be applying pressure. Again, not your intention, but it could have sounded like that to her.

Your right, always two ways of looking at things.

I don’t want to hurt her or abandon her or anything like that but I also don’t want to keep fighting over it nor do I want to keep fighting my own feeling and desires. How do I balance that and not put pressure on her? That is really what it all boils down to. My inner turmoil over her wants and my wants at this particular moment not being the same.

I completely understand this. To me, she continues to have control over this situation. She sets the tempo for your R. You cannot balance it without her input - how can one side balance a situation? IMHO, surrendering to the situation for a while is a possible solution. Doing nothing. What can you do? You're up against a situation that's not going to move until she decides it will. And your frustration? Will have to be tabled for now.

It always ends up back here doesn’t it? I feel like I keep surrendering to the situation. Allowing her to control the pace. It works for a while, I shelve my desires for a couple of months and go with the flow. We get closer more connected but that just brings me back to wanting the physical again. Round and round and round.

Has she given any indication where the disconnect is within her? Until a problem is acknowledged, it can't be fixed.

Yes and no, she has said that she did not like me for a long time and that it has been a long time since she has had those feeling for me and she is not sure how to get them back. She has admitted that she thought she was “in love” with him because she wanted someone to pay attention to her. But she has also said that she did not tell me when I did something that upset her nor did she communicate her needs to me even when I asked her. I also think she now understand how much it hurt me when I would try and talk to her about improving our R when the kids were very young and she would say “I get everything I need from the kids” how that made me feel unwanted and an outsider in her life. How that contributed to me emotionally distancing myself from her.

This is stuff I have gathered over our last six months of talking and getting closer. Not sure she has put it all together or not but just from the things she has said I think my side of the story is becoming clearer to her. She just knew I was an angry miserable person that did not pay attention to her but she never saw how she contributed to how I was.

So yes I think she has an idea what the disconnection within her is but no I don’t think she knows exactly what it is nor whether she wants to fix it or not.

A man's job is to fix things. You're just doing your job.

Yea, can’t break myself of that habit either.

I wish I had better advice.
WT

Not sure any advice can really help. Just nice to here other peoples prospective.