I am just going to go to bed...I need to detach more because I found out she just lied to me about what she told me she was doing when she called...I think she is cake eating so I am not going to be a victim. Also I think it will do some good for me to get a little too busy all of a sudden.
Wife called and asked if she could call me before she goes to bed...I am thinking of detaching some more and going ahead to sleep myself and missing the call...What do you guys think?
How do you know this? You took her call. Stop answering. Call you before she goes to bed? "You know what? Not tonight. I'll talk to you sometime tomorrow. Goodbye." You don't need to go to sleep first so you miss her call. Don't answer it.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I know because she said she just woke up and one of our mutual friends and her had been chatting for a while about OP online. I told friend to stay out of it but she keeps trying to help. I didn't take the call. She left a voice mail saying she forgot I was working and had to be in bed, that we would talk tomorrow and she loves me. I may not take her calls tomorrow. Only thing is she takes it as a sign that I do not want to work anything out. But you know some things have to begin to stop. She knows I am moving forward but maybe she does need think I am moving on...A lot to think about. I will be cutting off the internet as soon as my mobile modem comes in. Ordered one from Verizon through my plan today. That way I still have internet access. I will also be telling her that if she gets her own service she will not be able to use my computer for what she is doing. There are some boundaries that need to be established out of basic human respect.When I get back I will work a balance of what I have learned in DR and the 5 love languages. But mostly I am doing me. Definitely be working out and I have some friends that want to take me out. She will resent this because she mentioned today she is tired of having nothing to do but watch tv and get on the computer. Of course her job search is none too well but I think she is trying to sabotage that so mom and dad will take her in. Of course that could be a good thing because then she will really feel life. Her dad will not take care of her long and OP says he is moving to like four hours from her parents but I do not see that happening either as he has no career and lives with his mom.
Maybe close to LR...Still do not quite think it is that time yet though. Keep the advice coming please cause I am taking it and running. I want to change even if we do not make it but I really do want to stay married to her. She really is a good person...just lost...
I do have another question as well...While I am giving her space and doing me she has expressed to me some things that make her feel loved and that she needs...Just little things like acts of service such as making the bed or cooking dinner when she is tied up or frustrated. Is it possible to do these things if done nonchalantly( I am really done with begging and will not ask for temp checks or affirmation) and still be able to remain cool and about me? I know she is watching my every move. She told me the other night she really wants to see consistency out of me. Would doing these little things slowly but surely hinder or help progress since she expressed these things?
If acts of service is her LL, then you jumping in to help with the chores should cause a positive affect.....even if she doesn't say anything. Those other things that are seen as "your" work around the home (yard, repairs, etc.) is expected and she doesn't consider those as being included in the acts of service for her. Acts of service is what you do to help her personally. Surprising her with cooking dinner or bringing her a class of ice tea are just a couple of examles.
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Also can you explain more about the WAW hogwash?
Some of the board members refer to it as WAS script b/c after reading hundreds of these stories, you see how it appears all the WAW's have about the same lines they give her H's and it's just BS. That is why you aren't to put much stock into anything she says. She rewrites your history together (another symptom of the WAW) b/c she suddenly remembers it quite differently than you do.
She doesn't want you to do some of the fast changing you're doing b/c it confuses her. In other words, she thought she was done with the M and was finding things to justify her reasons for leaving where she might could live with the guilt.....but now you are making these great changes and she sees some things she didn't expect you to really do and she is surprised and now she is experiencing her emotions responding again....and it's confusing the heck out of her b/c she hasn't let go of OM.
Have you discussed any boundaries set for her where OM is concerned? B/c if you move back into the home and she's still having an A, she isn't going to continue to show you this positive side of her that you've been granted to see over the phone this week.
Don't act before you have it throurghly in place in your own mind. If you don't understand, ask the board......and especially before talking to W. Plan your boundaries where W & OM are concerned and what her consequenses will be if she does not respect those boundaries.
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Also she says she is hoping to see me GAL so she can no I am over her. Then when she sees me doing it she gets mad and says she should have figured. What is that about?
This is typical "script" for the WAW. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to get their claws into you. The appropriate way to handle that is tune her out and if she says anything, reply with, "sorry you feel that way about it", and go continue GAL. Makes you more interesting in her eyes, and if you keep things somewhat vague....then it is mysterious and she will be drawn into that.
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Wife called and asked if she could call me before she goes to bed...I am thinking of detaching some more and going ahead to sleep myself and missing the call...What do you guys think?
This was clearly her way of keeping tabs on "you". In order to stay detached, look mysterious, and GAL.....next time let her call go to VM, but don't promise her any nonsense of being there to get her bedtime call. Old trick! Say, "yeah, if you want to call when you start to bed, that's fine. Don't know if I'll be home but you can leave a message". Of course, she won't like that and will want to know what you'll be doing.....but you know what? You don't have to give her details about every little thing, now do ya?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I need to detach more because I found out she just lied to me about what she told me she was doing when she called...I think she is cake eating so I am not going to be a victim. Also I think it will do some good for me to get a little too busy all of a sudden.
This isn't good b/c she certainly has not made any changes. I don't know if she's giving the impression that she is willing to work on the M or not, but in reality she isn't going to work on it as long as OM is in the picture.
Brace yourself b/c when you go home, there will be no difference than when you left. BTW, I don't know if the two of you will have sex or not, but you better use protection! Don't want any nasty little surprises popping up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
yeah found out this morning she has been showing herself to OM on webcam...He has been making very public sexual comments online. I am sure she is cake eating now. True nothing much will be different... I am shutting down the internet though because I do not want to be paying for her to do that. Boundaries have to be set. She is not going to like it but honestly what do I have to lose? Yeah OM lives three states away with his mom. I hope he can support her because I think the only thing I need to take care of for are the rent, utilities and food. She said she wants to learn how to stand on her own two feet then she needs to feel life. She is so caught up with OM. They really believe that what they are doing is appropriate and she really believes he is going to take care of her...Boy wait till the issues come out. Sorry to sound so jaded it is just that if I don't vent somewhere it will come out there and I do not want that. Thanks all keep the advice coming please. I am really emotional right now.
PLEASE help...All of a sudden I am REALLY emotional and very unsure of things and how to handle them...I know this is part of the process but I am not even sure how to handle things when I get home Friday all of a sudden or what to do until then with all of this. Sorry if I seem weak but I know if I do not reach out or get it out here I will screw things up majorly. I am enjoying the changes in me and that is why I am changing but I still get these overwhelming feelings especially when it comes to her and OM.
Have you called the internet service yet to cut it off? Are you still paying for her cell phone? , Do you think it is time to let her move out, or are you afraid she will move in with OM and his Mom?
Calm down (again I would get on something to help) and go over what people have been saying to you, get a plan together and STICK to it. Fear is the unknown, it helps to have a plan because it eases the fear.
No I will be cutting the internet off on Friday after I get home. The cell phone she has is in her mom's name so I can't cut that off. She can't move in with OM he is 3 states away though he has her convinced he is moving closer. If anything she will try to move back in with her parents. Her dad does not want her to because he has seen genuine change and wants her to work on it. His idea not mine so I do not know how that will go eiother. They may take her they may not. As far as a plan...My plan was to continue with my 180s because they really do make me feel better. Also I was going to work a balance of GAL, LRT, and at the same time very subtly do some things from the 5v love languages because even doing that is for me believe it or not. It makes me feel good to show honest love and not expect anything. How does this sound? I know that when we are together she can't help but begin too warm up and try to come back around. She fights it but it happens. At least it was before we separated because I had actually started doing some of these things then and had never heard of DR or DB before. Just came in prayer one night.
Ok so here are my goals...This is an area that I can have a hard time with so please help:
1. No talks about OR 2. I will not pressure her 3. I am going to schedule my day i.e. work out, movie, spend time with friends...etc 4. I will not initiate conversation. 5. I will appear positive and comfortable at all times. 6. I will listen to her actively but I will not believe the WAW script. 7. I will also do little things I learned from the 5 love languages without looking for comments, appreciation, or reciprocation. I will do them because it helps me to love honestly.
Things I will be looking for are: 1. She will initiate conversation a little more. 2. She may ask me to run with her ( This has been important to her so I know it would be a good sign) 3. Before the separation she had begun to ask to watch tv with me and to talk some and was talking less with OM. The only reason I feel this is a realistic goal is because I have seen it happen.
Any advice with this would be great. Also any advice or suggestions on how to be mysterious would be great too. I know that one would work but I think it would have to be in a new way. One of her things is she gets mad when people compliment me or comment my page because she says she knows the REAL me. Thanks all.
