Although I don’t want to read anything into the letter, I do want to ask you if maybe it is some sort of clue as to something that is accurate that your W is feeling about your M.
I say this because….
You have a bipolar mother and a bipolar D. You own your own business and have a second job. You have a father who is ill. You have a lot of “obligations” that you call “fun”. I am not being critical, just pointing out that you are a very busy man. Now your W is saying her needs were not met and she feels you have no interest in meeting them. Additionally, you even question how busy you are compared to GAL type of stuff.
Ok, so life has been busy. Life has been full and just about everyone in your life has needed OP. I know from my own experience, taking care of H’s grandfather and grandmother prior to their deaths (2001-2004). Taking care of my alcoholic and potentially bipolar MIL. Taking care of my own grandfather prior to his death (2004-2009), raising my S, running my own business, that I did little for myself. I did have a small break in there when I was diagnosed with an illness but it didn’t last long. Although H has never said it, at least not in relation to any of that, I would venture to say that I was not giving as much to him in the way that he needed as he needed. I assumed because he was a grown up, the same age as me, that he could see what I was dealing with and that he could step up and take care of himself. Well big surprise, he went merrily down the MLC trail.
My point, do your best to really try to take a good look at how much you are giving to others. How much do you have left? Then see if there are steps you can take to give more to yourself. It may mean that you have to give less to others on a conscious level. But it may be necessary. You may be surprised at how, as you start giving to yourself, you begin to have more to give in your M and homelife without even realizing it. Just a thought.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I don’t think I would respond with the mirror comment. Right now, just telling her what she is NOT doing, which is why she stopped her IC, if I am not mistaken.
If you want to validate, something more simple like “I understand how you are feeling” might just be in order.
As I did the DB validation dance yesterday, I had to refrain many many times from saying “I told you so” or anything that sounded like that or a suggestion or opinion in anyway. It is hard. It is not what you want to say. But you can do it.
Show her as best you can, don’t tell her. If money is the issue she is talking about, well that is a harder nut to crack in today’s economy. I have no thoughts on that. Money is one of those things that we only have so much control over. If you are working, earning, doing your best, that is all that you can do.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
OP, I am in the separated forum but ran across some of your posts for the MLC resource thread from a couple of years back. Thanks for putting it out there on the boards, it does shine some light on the stages of MLCer. I find that going back and finding the success stories keeps me going. Have not read you sitch, I will put you on my growing list of sitches to catch up on this weekend. Thanks, missherlove
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
