@rr22 - MC is the only place we have been able to discuss since the bomb. It's truly a miracle in my eyes. My H was totally shut down before that - no talks at all.
@RW - thanks and like you I struggle with how much of my own cr*p to own up to vs. holding H accountable for his verbal and emotional abuse.
@ LR - ODP in effect! Again in MC today H brought up that since he met me, he never had a core sense of safety with me because of my "unpredictable blowups" (well I could say the same of him, but that's a separate issue). So here I am nine years later finally hearing him and trying to do better. I am in a funk due to the guilt - like you I go into attack mode. This is where it gets sticky, as I referred to above with RW - I would fly off the handle - often as a reaction to what I felt was emotional or verbal abuse from H. SO THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY MY NEGATIVE ACTIONS. But it doesn't excuse his either. Perhaps if I wasn't with someone who brought up the same feelings of shame and rejection as my parents did, I wouldn't have been so reactionary. On the other hand, perhaps if he was with someone not so emotionally sensitive, he wouldn't have been so reactionary. Who knows All this going back to the beginning feels academic to me. I want to know what we can do now. But H wants to look back to understand the patterns and the core issues, so I've agreed to it.
@Freckle - He can't see yet how horrible he can make me feel. But he can see my inner attack terrier emerge when threatened. So unconsciously he may have been egging me on in the same old ways, to get me to fight back in the same old ways, but I did my 180! I don't know whether he noticed or not - like LR said he won't admit it.
And yeah, that's pullback! But I kept myself pointed ahead.
I hope I will over time show him the changes. Promises mean nothing when you're on the brink of D.
And, I wrapped up the session pointing out a negative pattern of H's that has evolved into great pain for me throughout our M. It only got 15 min. at the end of the session so I'm not through with him! But that took enormous courage that he wouldn't blow up at me and just threaten D! He started ever so slightly to open up to hearing what he did - still in the justifying it stage, but it's waaaaaay better than denial!~
Basically he ended up admitting that he feels uncomfortable with something in our R, goes along with it anyhow, then blows up at me for not "just knowing how he wants/expects me to act."
Well I'm so glad he had that insight. That took courage. But that opens up a huge can of worms for me - the constant scrutiny I feel to "behave how he expects me too" is both H not communicating, then feeling put down for not mindreading, then feeling belittled for not acting in a way he feels is perfect...and to top it all off, a hostile blow out at the end as the grand prize! I am going to be bringing this up next week.
