Right I know I sorta asked this once before but Im not sure is I got over what I was trying to say properly.
H is freinds with my sister, he wasnt or hadnt been for a long time but reconnected with her over the summer when he was awal.
One of the agreements with him coming back was transparency about this relationship, one I didnt trust her to not be trying to poach my H, but also she has never been trustworthy, honest and is now not speaking to me and apart from relaying information when my parents were ill has no intention of working out our relationship/friendship. Right to the point, I know I cant say who he can be friends with but I can ask for transparency and her friendship to be with both of us, the thing is Im finding stuff out after its happened and H is obviously uncomfortable when he is caught talking with her on FB and also I cant see anything on his FB. I am sure he realsies she has no intention of making friends with me and is pretending he is either unsure of her intentions,its all the twitching and wiggling that is making me very suspicious. He digs his heels in last nigth wen I try to sort this out an refuses to speak about it, last night he turned his back on me but ignored my tears and only tried to comfort me when I said I was going downstairs as I wouldnt sleep, it is obviousl he doesnt want this to threaten us but seems unable to let it go..
Any advice would be much apprecaited folks sorry its a bit long winded
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
It seems disrespectful of him to continue to communicate with her when he knows how you feel about that and that you don't have much of an R with her doesn't it?
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Thats how I feel CW, but I dont seem to be able to get this changed with H. It really is a deal breaker as it was one of the things I stated at the beginning, also as I explained to H4L I do feel he has siddled back into our home rather than declared his undying love for me, so I have this sick feeling all the time that its going no-where. It is the lack of respect that is bugging me CW I just feel so confused on this one, my heart is telling me its wrong but am I just pushing my luck sticking to my thoughts!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
He is disrespecting your feelings, that is why you are so upset. It's completely understandable. You set the boundary that you need complete transparency and he is not giving that to you. This pushes your buttons that he is "sliding" back into your life rather than coming in with complete respect and a hundred percent commitment.
So, how do you enforce this boundary? You have come so far with him, it may be scary to rock the boat. If he doesn't want to listen and and act on your transparency request, you have to set a boundary. How can you do that?
You know me = the only thing that works is walking away and giving it the 24/48 wait. I imagine this is tough if he's only visiting for a short time, but don't think of it like you will lose him if you set this boundary, think of it that you will gain his respect and have a stronger marriage. Sometimes, they test us to see if we will put up with the same old cr*p, and unconsciously they want the boundary. Sometimes they are pushing us to see if we will get upset and yell so they can point a finger and say "See? This is why I left." Think of it like he's testing you. You need to be the strong one here and be firm about your boundary. This will demonstrate your changes more than promises ever will. This will show him you are stronger now.
One of the veterans here always says to state calmly, "When you do X, it makes me feel Y, and I will do Z". Repeat if necessary.
What are your ideas on how to set the boundary? What has worked with him in the past? What hasn't worked? Let's figure out a plan as this can't go unnoticed.
Thanks H4L will have to have a good think about this one!
He goes back on Tuesday through to Saturday for the last time then he is home for good. Thats when the really hard work starts, honestly one part of me thinks I should just give him my look, you know the one girls that says "you know you shouldnt be doing that" and see how long it takes him to feel guilty and stop doing it.. My tactic at the moment is to state my feelings about things then retreat and let him think that usually works, before I'd be like the proverbially terrier and keep shaking the body around long after it was dead lol!
I find it difficult because he used to love the ground I walked on and now I feel that he is just tolerating me, he very rarely says ILY although has lots of kisses, cuddles and affectionate touches, maybe its he depression and things will get better when he gets a job as well only time will tell, maybe Im trying to think and plan to much too soon who knows!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
OK, so you aren't at the end of the road yet. Look at the steps he has made. Cuddles, kisses, moving back in. Remember these are huge steps he's made and remind yourself when you need ODP to kick in. (Operation Don't Panic). You still have ILY and worshipping you to look foward to so those are your new goals! lol Patience, patience, patience...
I felt the same way when I found all those early emails H wrote full of love and desire - heck, I haven't felt that from him in seven years! So I remember them and put them on my list of big goals.
I love the LOOK and RETREAT tactics. Remember to pet and snuggle the inner terrier so that you can calm yourself down while waiting for H to get it. You're doing great. When we get out of their faces, they can only hear from themselves what they are doing wrong and it has a bigger effect. Otherwise, they are just reacting off of us instead of listening. HE needs 24/48 hrs to think about it!
H is off tomorrow for the last time to his apartment, and someone is taking it over from him so his bolt hole will be no longer!
Its hard going today, he seems depressed and when I said something he'd usually laugh at he told me not to fish for compliments!
He so desparately needs a job but nothing seems to be on the horizon, we are going to end up losing everything very soon, is it really wrong for me to be thinking that Im not sure I can do this anymore, his behaviour may lose me my house, and possibly something more dear to me my furry friend, that I will find too hard to forgive she is my life and I have already had to tell my barn owner I cant pay her this month yet the most embarrassing thing I have ever had to do, how much lower do I have to go for this man, see I cant even bear to say H today!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
We pay a very high price as the LBH, in more ways than one.
No, it is not wrong for you to feel that way. There are times that the price just is too high. I don't know if that is the case for you, and it sure seems like there is lots of good potential for you and H to keep piecing. But, I understand it doesn't always feel that way.
Hang in there hun, you have done an amazing job so far and I know you can keep going. Have a good cry and do some taking care of YOU!
Sorry you are having a rough day. I would be afraid of H losing his bolt hole. You will now need somewhere to get away to.
It's too bad that finances are always an issue for everyone. Sometimes I wonder if them having space to be weird or depressed in helps. I fear moving back in with my H at this point. I feel like I would want to see several months of normalcy first, if we ever even get there. Yet I know that's not always financially realistic either. I hope you don't lose your furry friend over finances during this situation. As far as how low you have to go, these situations seem an exercise in humility and humbleness for everyone unfortunately. Hope tomorrow is better.
(((LR))) DONT PANIC! Yes, it's ok to be upset. Yes it's ok to be afraid. Yes, it's ok to wonder if it's worth it. Especially on the verge of moving back in together. The other side is bound to smack you between the eyes.
Feel your anger and sadness - vent here - and don't tell H about your feelings for 24/48 hrs! Let the funk just be. You're ok in my book. Don't pressure yourself to feel thrilled that the man is returning. That will make you feel worse. Melody is crucial for you = I hope you can do anything and everything to keep her.
The R is not going to be romantic weekends any more - it's going to be the whole package good and bad. So respect all your feelings and express them the best you can. We're here to listen!
