One thing that always helps me dissipate Da Funk, at least for a bit o' time, is Dee Shad-en-froyd-ah, yo!
"Ahh, it is to chortle," he said, chortlingly. Finally got to bust out "Consequences" today. Sweeeeeeet. I just wish I'd had that oldey-tyme radio "don't you believe it" voice.
Apparently it wasn't all Sunshinenroses on the Trip to Snow Mountain this weekend for STBXMRSSP and Boy-Child Himself, who was, by the sound of it, truly a Wild One. What was he rebelling against? What did she have?
And she got frustrated enough -- and that's got to be Some Frustration -- to call Smiley's Person Himself and ask me to "speak with your son."
So I did. "Hey, champ! How's it going? Rhubarb-rhubarb-rhubarb. Well, that sounds swell! Was it a big snowman? Rhubarb-rhubarb-rhubarb. Snowboarding! Are you sure?"
Back on the phone, STBXMRSSP inveigles against Smiley's Person: You didn't say anything about his behavior!
Hey, I'm all about getting around the self-abnegation. The awesome thing about the assumption of good will is that you direct it at yourself, too.
So, are you saying that by conceiving of her course of actions in terms of MLC instead of garden-variety BSC, it makes it easier for you to exonerate yourself? Interesting. Why?
I'm of two minds on the self-examination thing. As you point out, it can get reedonkulous, depending on how one practices it. (My theory is that if you blame yourself for everything, you can potentially control everything; make all the necessary changes perfectly = win. Would that it were true.)
Even though the gospel as preached is, "make those changes *for you*" .... in practice, not so much, sometimes. The first question is, not what kind of person does your spouse claim to be looking for, but what kind of person do *you* aspire to be? Since I think most of us aren't living up to our own ideals in some regard due to laziness, fear, or basic obliviousness, yeah, there's still work to do. It's just not so reactive or subject to constantly-moving goalposts.
OTOH, sometimes it does take a nuclear detonation to provoke positive change in the best of us; status quo being powerful juju. It makes a certain amount of sense that, since you're sitting at ground zero anyway, might as well leverage that for self-improvement .....
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I've written extensively here about my concern that DB'ing, especially in the early stages, trends toward self-abnegation and -- though it's an extreme and not completely apt comparison -- a kind of ritualized self-abuse: Figure out what you did wrong; figure out where you were lacking; figure out why s/he left you; what's your problem; be the (wo)man only a fool would leave (because you're obviously not now); make changes to you (and what do those changes inevitably entail? Body image changes, self-image changes, attempted personality changes, etc. -- the cessation of the "you" being the "you." [Which begs the question how long those changes last post-D, but that's another forum on another website]).
there's kind of a balance involved, tho. for me--and believe me, I'm not saying I've got it mastered, by any means, and since this is my second divorce--I'm obviously fighting some patterns here that aren't helping me out any. there's a bit of a fine line between blaming oneself for the breakup of the marriage and exploring--and forgiving--what you did to contribute to it. I've gone overboard with that at times, trying to push thru it and face my demons with a vengeance, and it just has to take as long as it takes. it can't be rushed (to my frustration) and as long as you maintain honesty with yourself you'll find growth. and this whole thing is too sucky, too painful, too destructive not to end up growing thru it; otherwise you're wasting the suffering. it's kinda like Gnosis on his thread--figuring out when and where in the relationship/marriage you lost yourself and became someone you never intended to be. and that may or may not have contributed to the demise of the marriage (as in, 10% vs 90% crazy MLC), but it's a damn good time to just take stock, do a life review, and figure out how to be "the best you" (which is soooo trite but ultimately accurate).
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
ugh--I just re-read what I wrote and gagged on it's triteness. it's just a matter of putting who-did-what in perspective. and having a "label" gives you a framework for doing that in many ways. and it helps when you go back and reclaim who you really are when you're not in a relationship that requires you to be who someone else wants you to be.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
... having a "label" gives you a framework for doing that in many ways. and it helps when you go back and reclaim who you really are when you're not in a relationship that requires you to be who someone else wants you to be.
I can *totally* see this. A label, a framework, it brings some level of structure to the chaos, yes??
Nuance probably comes later.....
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
OTOH, sometimes it does take a nuclear detonation to provoke positive change in the best of us; status quo being powerful juju. It makes a certain amount of sense that, since you're sitting at ground zero anyway, might as well leverage that for self-improvement .....
It's a damn shame that it takes something like that to bring about positive change in ourselves. But it does...and it did.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
There's a bit of a fine line between blaming oneself for the breakup of the marriage and exploring--and forgiving--what you did to contribute to it. I've gone overboard with that at times, trying to push thru it and face my demons with a vengeance, and it just has to take as long as it takes. it can't be rushed (to my frustration) and as long as you maintain honesty with yourself you'll find growth. and this whole thing is too sucky, too painful, too destructive not to end up growing thru it; otherwise you're wasting the suffering.
That's great insight...thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
