But then how do you handle intimacy, which would seem to mean you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable?
I don't think you need to be that vulernable to have sex. Sex is just sex. You need to be vulerable to make love or have a truely intimate sexual relationship and from what i can see that takes two partners who are at the same level of emotional and personal maturity.
There's a theory (commented on in a lot of self-help literature) that we attract what we give out ... so I wonder if I've attracted partners - especially my exhusband - who at the time we were married was as sexually immature as I was, despite the fact he was 16 years older than me.
Certainly I've noticed that as I've done the interal work to grow into a more self aware person post divorce I do tend to attract and be attracted to partners who are more aware of the emotional investment required to be truely intimate in a sexual relationship.
I believe in marriage and I believe that marriage is important for families. I think the idea that two people can grow up together and explore this stuff in the context of a safe and shared history is a huge gift. I do however also know that sometimes that's not possible.
Sometimes, like in my case, in the 12 years I was married I grew up and my husband didn't and wasn't prepared to. The evidence of that is in where I am today compared to him - he's still thrashing around wondering what went wrong in his 2 failed marriages (his first wife, and me) and why his third (current) marriage isn't making him happy and doesn't have enough intimacy.
He's 55 years old and he still doesn't understand that it's his inability to grow that's keeping him stagnant. He doesn't understand that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. We all repeat the patterns that keep us stuck until we accept that there is no external thing that's going to happen to make our life better. Not more sex, not more money, not a better handicap and most certainly not a new Jaguar (although I just got an e-mail from my gorgeous x that he has just bought a new Jag!!! poor silly bugger).
All of those things (not enough sex, money, golf etc) are symptoms of significantly more fundamental issues going on within us that we need to deal with in order that we can meet our true potential.
Try asking yourself what is it within you that has allowed this lack-of-sex pattern to be created in your life? You might be surprised at what you find out.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
