I know I've told this story over the years around here, but two of the people I love most in this world and who have the strongest and happiest marriage I've ever personally seen (it will be 50 years in June!) went through a long term affair and a short separation.
They are my in-laws. It was bout 32 years ago now, I guess. My MIL discovered that my FIL had been having an affair with someone near where he worked and it had been going on for a couple of years. He spewed all the usual stuff at her and he moved out and in with this woman.
Obviously there was no DBing to follow back then and my MIL went to his job about 3 months later and gave him an ultimatum that he either come home or get all his stuff out after work that day. He did end up moving back but my MIL said it was very rocky for quite a while after that.
My MIL has been very candid about it to me over the years. It's not something you can decide for forgive and forget. It'll take time. When my H and I first separated she told me that my situation brought it all back to her, so it isn't something that will ever totally disappear. She even asked her H then if he regretted it. She meant did he regret coming home but he thought she was asking if he regretted the affair. When he answered, "yes" she told me her heart dropped until they both realized the misunderstanding.
They're both retired now and spend almost every moment together and are very much still "in love". It's adorably cute. She's 70 and he's 74. He still pinches her butt.
I think there always will be times when you feel vulnerable. As times goes on, they'll probably be years (or even decades!) in between times, but I think that's normal. Even if you met and fell in love with another man tomorrow, because of what's happened you'd probably have the same insecurities with him--if H did it, this one can too and all that.
Hang in there. It'll take time to rebuild but I've seen that it can be done. Even without books and MC and all that. Hang in there.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
