Moving Foward

[Kemper]

MSH,

Did she spend the night out or did she come home? How is it going today?

She ended up staying out Sat night and got home around 9 on Sunday morning. I got ready and went to church, then the grocery store. After getting home my W was civil. I spent a little bit of time and then went to a friends house to watch the football games.

When I got home I spent a little bit of time with my boys before putting them to bed. What really killed me was I asked my oldest if he had fun today and he was sad. He said that Mommy didn't play with him. I felt bad for going out and thought that I should have stayed home and spent the time with him. It just kills me how much this is going to impact the boys and the fact that my W doesn't seem to give two sh1ts.

Cie la vie,

Did W express to you that she was "in love"?

No, to this day my W denies the A. However, during some of our C sessions she made comments about how relationships shouldn't take work. She also commented once when I confronted her about an EA that they were just friends, he was easy to talk to and she didn't have to work at it. This just shows me how much my W thinks that things should be easy and nothing take work. You need to understand that my W has basically had everything handed to her, her entire life.

Nor can I, it is self torture and counter productive. Trying not to think that way, however, is a lot easier said than done.

I couldn't agree more that it is easier said than done.

I think the answer to that may have a lot to do with how the LBS handles the sitch as it unfolds. If the LBS trys to constantly guilt the WAS and tell them they are making a big mistake they may inadvertantly set the table for the awakened WAS to stay away rather than face the "I told you so" attitude of the LBS. Another good reason to simply take the high road.

I think there is a fine line here. I wanted to say something to my W on Sat about the A because I wanted her to hear it from me. That is the last time that the A will ever come up unless she decides that she wants to work on the R/M. At that point I will want details and full transparency along with strong boundaries being upheld.

You don't want to be a doormat. However, you also want them to face the music and be held accountable. That doesn't mean rubbing their face in it but they need to admit it, show remorse, and show they are willing to fight for what they want if they want to be with you.

The whole detaching thing is a bit nebulous to me...

Detaching only means that you will be ok if the worst case scenario happens. It doesn't mean that you don't care, or don't still love your S. I look at it this way. I WANT to be with my W but I don't NEED my W. If my W never regrets her decision (which I have a hard time even thinking she will now) then I will be ok and my life will move on without her as my W, friend, and confidant.

All,

All in all yesterday was a good day with the exception of my oldest being upset when I got home. Today was a totally different scenario. While most of the time I cycle between a range of emotions hourly today that didn't happen. I was angry the whole day at my W. I didn't show any of that anger when I got home but I did feel it during the day. I kept asking questions that I don't know the answer to and probably never will.

Why is she being so selfish?
Doesn't she see how this will impact the boys?
Why couldn't she even try to work on the R/M?
How come the easy way out is the way it has to be, if you believe in something you fight for it?
Why couldn't she just let me know that she wasn't happy before going outside the marriage and having an A?
Will she ever regret her decision?

The list goes on and on.

After reading and responding to threads on the board tonight I actually felt better. It sucks that we are all going through this and to see so many people commited to their M it suprises me how the WAS doesn't see that. However, it shows me that there are good people out there that took/take their vows seriously. I am pushing towards separation and I sometimes question that approach but I am moving down that path and I don't want to turn back now. It isn't because I have to much pride, it is because I don't think letting my W have the best of both worlds is the right answer.