Keep Your Hands Offa My Mojo

[hoosiermama]

I've written extensively here about my concern that DB'ing, especially in the early stages, trends toward self-abnegation and -- though it's an extreme and not completely apt comparison -- a kind of ritualized self-abuse: Figure out what you did wrong; figure out where you were lacking; figure out why s/he left you; what's your problem; be the (wo)man only a fool would leave (because you're obviously not now); make changes to you (and what do those changes inevitably entail? Body image changes, self-image changes, attempted personality changes, etc. -- the cessation of the "you" being the "you." [Which begs the question how long those changes last post-D, but that's another forum on another website]).

there's kind of a balance involved, tho. for me--and believe me, I'm not saying I've got it mastered, by any means, and since this is my second divorce--I'm obviously fighting some patterns here that aren't helping me out any. there's a bit of a fine line between blaming oneself for the breakup of the marriage and exploring--and forgiving--what you did to contribute to it. I've gone overboard with that at times, trying to push thru it and face my demons with a vengeance, and it just has to take as long as it takes. it can't be rushed (to my frustration) and as long as you maintain honesty with yourself you'll find growth. and this whole thing is too sucky, too painful, too destructive not to end up growing thru it; otherwise you're wasting the suffering. it's kinda like Gnosis on his thread--figuring out when and where in the relationship/marriage you lost yourself and became someone you never intended to be. and that may or may not have contributed to the demise of the marriage (as in, 10% vs 90% crazy MLC), but it's a damn good time to just take stock, do a life review, and figure out how to be "the best you" (which is soooo trite but ultimately accurate).