Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

I know that you're right, Awoken. She is the only one who can take care of her problems.

This evening, I gave W a draft of the Temporary Order that we will be going to court with Wednesday. She was not pleased at all. Surprisingly, she didn't seem to hone in on the custody of S7 as much as I was expecting, but rather on the "after 15 years together, what do I get?!" aspect. She complains that she doesn't have a bed, silverware or dishes. I really don't know what she wants from me. I think she's so spooked because she is going before a judge with no representation, and she feels that she is going to get rolled over by my lawyer. She's convinced that if she had a lawyer, she would be getting more out of the deal than what I'm offering...and that's probably true.

So much of our D is going to require trust on her part that I will do the right thing. I can understand her concern that I might change my mind, and she'll have no legal leg to stand on regarding some of our agreements/decisions. Just wish she could believe that I'm a bigger man than that...but I haven't always proved that this is true over the past 3 months as new things come to light.

I'm absolutely TORN UP over this entire situation. I do love my W and I still want to work things out with her, but I also need to protect myself and S7. I know that it could take years for us to reconcile, assuming it happens at all. I'm just not prepared to live in limbo that long. Still, I pray that she finds the inner peace, strength, self-confidence and self-esteem she needs to be truly happy. Hopefully, I'll be able to share in that happiness someday. If not, I'll know that I played an integral part in guiding her towards that happiness.

D@mn...the pain just doesn't get any easier to deal with.