Hey guys! LFA, thank you so much for well wishes. Yeah, I'm certainly in a stronger place than I was. Honestly, moving out was a big step. Could finally get a good night's sleep, stopped feeling like I had to throw up every morning. I guess it was another step towards acceptance.

Interesting, I discovered this weekend that I sleep better alone in my apartment than I do in my house with my wife.

Karen - yeah, slow is the word. It's weird - she's so sensitive now to if I'm going to be mad at her. Responds to expressions on my face... when she brought up Disneyland I think she was immediately embarassed that she said it based on my reaction. So, now when we have good times she's anticipating me swinging back the next day - pushing her away I guess, getting mad at myself for letting her in again, getting mad at her.

I haven't had an objective for awhile - it was easier to not think about it, I'd accepted divorce, so when we were getting along, it was nice to go see a movie together, whatever. And yes, then I would go cold.

I guess, when she started to warm a little, it made me angry. Yeah, OM - that sends me around the bend. I get the "how dare you" feeling, get the thought that I want to end this marriage as soon as possible, and send the email that says "I'm seperating our finances today. Thanks." And she is sooooo sensitive to that - MY mood. Still.

She had bought food to make a favorite meal of mine when I "went cold", or whatever we want to call it, last week. Was doing something nice.

Quote:
If you are interested in making your M work, and I emphasize if...

So that's the real question.

I would want so much from her if this happens. Counciling. Working on rebuilding trust. I want her to be invested and do the work. She knows this, and she's said she doesn't want to do it. But now I catch her, saying things like "if this divorce actually goes through..."

She talked to her mother on Sunday about the weekend, and the takeaway was "life is messy, you do the best that you can." Dismissive. And she's coming to the realization that she won't be able to afford the house and investigating selling it. Moving forwad with the D.

We've both realized that we're going to be married for awhile, the lawyers aren't really doing anything.

So - baby steps. Family counciling for the boys. Sure.

I felt the anxiety come back yesterday. Yeah - with the tiny little bit of hope, comes the big load of anxiety. It's managable now, but there it is. Hoping is hard. Better to take it as it comes. I guess I'm just going to play it cool for awhile. "Do nothing." Don't overthink it.