So here I am again - I haven't be on this site much, for so many reasons, but in the past 2 years I did follow many of the advices I found in Michele's books and in a way they paid off. After my divorce I was devastated, I had no job, no home, no family. My W fell in love with some other guy, and despite we had 2 small children she kicked me out her house and I was on the street. When our kids were born I quit my job so my W could pursue her much better paid career. I became Mr mommy and in just few years it became very hard for me to step out of it. This took a huge toll on me and my self esteem - my W started to see me like a loser, and I was feeling like a loser. I tried to start a home business, unfortunately she never believed it could work, and in fact at the time wasn't really working, it took a lot of effort and few years to make it now fairly profitable, but this also, at the time, made me feel even more of a loser. One day(sort of speak), my W fell in love with this guy that was very successful so good looking and sweet and romantic and muscular and I don't remember what else she told me. She filed very fast for divorce, with no discussions allowed and I was out. With my butt on the street, my heart broken and zero self esteem I desperately tried to get back to my old job with no success and at the same time take care of my struggling home business as a possible backup plan. I started taking the few classes I could afford to be competitive again in my old job and slowly I started to get short time gigs that paid some bills: help here - help there. I have to thank my mom for her economic support she gave me in this two years - even if she is retired and in her 70! she made miracles. I kept doing Mr mom every time I could - pick up the kids from school, or have them to sleep in my tiny rented room so my W could go out with her fabulous date. I am thankful she needed this help so I could spend time with my kids that I adore. I also tried to go out a bit but not having one single friend it was more depressing then helpful. I tried to join some group of "desperate" people like me - less awkward then be alone, but I always felt very ashamed, being such a loser. I didn't really date since my divorce, but if you have someone that show appreciation for you, is a kind of boost that I do advice to anyone. The relation with my W during these time has been actually good we became sort of good friends - I do consider her my family. I think she treated me very unfairly but I also think I am responsible for my own destiny and I did put myself in such an unhealthy situation, specially with my job. Two years are passed - W on and off with the guy - He lost all the novelty and glamor, she tells me she doesn't want to merry him even if he is pressing to, because she can't have the relation she used to have with me (who knows the truth...) - but she doesn't want to leave him because she doesn't want to be alone. She says she misses to have a family, but she always said that... at the beginning I was like "let's try again" and the answer was always: no way - now I just listen and say that she is going to figure out what to do, because I think she is resourceful. I imply that I have my life anyway and her romantic swings don't affect me. Worked miracles for both, no tensions or expectations, it is what it is.
After two year of sacrifices and hard work and late night education I finally got a wonderful 6 figure job offer that I can't refuse - the only problem is that it is 350 miles from home - So I am going to have to move. To be away from my kids is a killer. I am happy I got this break, but I am also desperate for my kids. I never thought I could have these two emotions at the same time. I will probably fly back every week end, but they are used to see me daily and I don't even know how to break the news to them - AARGH.
Hey Ready2Change - thank you so much for reading my post - I think my ex will NEVER leave her job, unless she is fired. She is very well paid and she loves it. It is a very specialized job. I think if she gets fired for some reason (like lack of funding) it is going to be very hard for her to find another job like that - this at least is what she has always been telling me and this is why I ended up living my job and I followed her around the country for a while until we settled here. When I told her I was moving she cried a lot - she said it was going to be very hard on the kids - I said half joking - why don't you guys move too? She discarded it very fast, I said that I just have to hope she is going to be fired. She told me that instead, MAYBE, she will start her on business, and make it big and move not because she has to. Well, I said, that would be even better - Besides her work she is still in her relation with her "wonderful" colleague - and I don't sincerely know where that is going, maybe they are going to get married.... who knows. I would take her and the kids with me, no questions about that.
R2C - I am not doing actively anything toward my ex. In the sense that at one point in my divorce I understood that there was nothing I could do to change the relation with my ex, but I could change everything I didn't like about me and be as happy as I could with myself, and go from there. I concentrated first on my job, because it was the most pressing thing, but I also started going to the gym, and I love it and have a bit of a social life and then a bit more. I stopped having fights, also if at times I was super angry, but it was no use - so why bother. When she was angry with me for some trivial reason I started laughing and make up jokes until she couldn't stop forcing not to laugh too. I also took some "pick up class" and they were amazing. I didn't ended up picking up girls - that actually wasn't my purpose but they really helped me jump up with my self esteem. After a while we started having sometime a drink together some nice chat and laugh.... and some flirting. I can tell she is confused, but I am too. If she calls me and say she wants to get back with me I wouldn't trow myself in it... I spent a lot of time trying to learn to be self sufficient emotionally. I don't need her to be complete. But I enjoy her companionship and she is family to me. Then I think life will unfold by itself. Maybe I will fall in love again or maybe not. But I am a different person, more independent, and I like it. And I think this is one of the messages from the book - so in a way am still DB.
rop, congrats on making some serious moves. From struggling to a 6-fig job--that's awesome.
The important thing is that you are a different person and more independent--but most importantly you have regained confidence.
I can understand how hard it would be to be away from your kids. It sounds as if it is going to be tough.
As far as your X, perhaps you need to let her come to you. If she is interested, maybe put the onus on her. That is how I feel about my X now. I, too, am feeling more self-confident and assured w/o X.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Hi ROP, if your wife walked away so fast she will most probably at some point in time regret her decision. My xh left me with two very young kids for a fellow collegue. Grass was greener on the other side of the fence, he filed for D a year later and remarried a year and 3 months later... yet a few months after marring OW he started thinking he wanted his family back... now a 1.5 years later we are discussing the possiblility of recon. I think we grow a great deal from these situations. I did date, met some wonderful men... made me realize what my true worth is. Needless to say I wont settle... and I think that makes us even more desirable to WAS, yet at the same time we grow and learn the true value of ourselves. Live for yourself.... if she is truly yours she will come back!
