I am still alive not sure about kicking. I have not been on here in a while not a whole lot to report. Life is moving along alot faster than my R but that is to be expected.
Been spending most of my time working and enjoying the summer. Went canoeing with my son, tubing with my brother and to the beach with the family for a weekend.
Most of the time it is good. W and I spend time together and get along well. We still go to MC even though she is not that into it. She told the MC last time we were there that we are good friends and that we get along well but she does not have those feelings of being in love. She said that she thought that they would have come back by now but they had not.
I asked her if she had thought about what she wanted out of this R. Where she thought we would be in a couple of years. Does she see us as friends, roomates, lovers or what. She said that some times she thinks we will be together and other times she does not. Same old same old but her actions just don't back that up.
It irritated me for a day or two but then I realized that she is where she is at and there is noting I can do about it. I need to just redirect that focus from her and back to me and let what will happen happen. I did that and got myself recentered.
That was last week, this week she invited me out to lunch yesterday, signed us up for a cooking class and checked out a date to go to a Mystery Weekend getaway. My mom last Christmas said that she would pay for a Mystery Weekend for us as a gift. I checked out dates back in February but she really never seemed all that interested in going so I dropped it. Its not like my mom payed for it and I figured since I asked twice that that was enough.
So that is it in a nut shell. You seem to be doing well. Check out your FB page just to keep up with you.
I'm hoping the weather predictions are off - it could be an interesting weekend!
Have a great Christmas! WT
Things are going ok. Its a very slow process and most times it seems better and then there are times that it does not but they are few and far inbetween.
This weekend was fun. We got abot 12 inches of snow and it really put a damper on our Christmas festivaties. We were suppose to go to DC this weekend and have Christmas with my mom and all my brothers, sister and neices and nephews but that did not happen. Spent all day Saturday shoveling snow and watching movies. All in all it was a relaxing weekend for me.
How are things with you? Hopefully you were able to dig yourself out.
Sorry got kicked of the internet in the middle of posting.
I'm Fine but the relationship is stagnate. Not sure where to proceed to at the moment. She says that things are much better between us and that she is much more connected to me than she has been in a long time but she does not have "those" feelings for me. I asked her if she meant that she "loved me but was not in love with me still" and she said yes.
I asked her if she thought that she could get "those" feelings back and she said at the moment no. She told me that she is trying but they are not there. I told her that if she is waiting for that newness spark to occur that its not going to happen that we have been together for a long time and have been though a lot. She said that I just don’t think it should be this hard. So I said that maybe we should think about a trial separation and me moving out for a while.
She did not take that very well. She asked my why I wanted to do that? I told her I did not want to do that, I do not want to leave my kids nor everything I have worked for but I feel sometimes that my being here puts added pressure on you and that its hard for me to be around you and be this emotionally connected to you and yet not be able to express it in a physical way such as kissing, hugging, snuggling and of course sex.
I asked her why she does not want me to leave, why do you want me here? She said that I enjoy your company and your friendship. I thanked her for saying that.
There was more said but it all boils down to this, is my being there or me leaving the right choice for me at the moment. As I look back on it all its been a long three years for me and I can see pro’s and con’s for both arguments. I am too close to the situation and maybe time away is good however time apart could really hurt all that we have gained in the last year.
I talked to Ken this weekend and his points are very valid that whatever I do it must be without expectations for an end result and must be what is best for me. I’m not sure what to do just that what we are doing is making us good friends but not a married couple.
That’s my story.
How you doing WT. The weather is much nicer this week and spring is just a couple of months away.
Thanks for asking, not sure you wanted to hear all that.
I asked because I did want to hear all that. Glad you talked to Ken. It helps to hear yourself say things rather than leave it rolling around in your head. Helps to set it free.
So, you told her you would move out, then told her you didn't want to? To me, that says, if you don't start treating me better, I'm going to leave. If you feel like you're putting pressure on her, then stop it. From what you've written here, she regards you as a room mate. Good company, good friend. That may be where you are right now. My guess is you are getting along great. As long as it stays friends.
If you are going to move out, do so with the intent that you may not be coming back. Move out for personal reasons, not just because things aren't going your way. And I agree, you can't do work on this R if you're not there. What's going to get better if you leave? You're still not going to get laid ( at least by your W) and you'll miss your kids. Will you be able to accept her choices if you're gone? Because this would be a separation, right?
Check in with your intentions. Try not to do something just to get a reaction. What's the next step? She's been honest and open, so have you. The cards are on the table. Are you needs so great that this is becoming a dealbreaker?
Is winter over or are we going to get more of the white stuff? Today was gorgeous. Despite that little dump of snow, I feel like spring is here. I'm not putting away the winter clothes yet, though.
I see what you are saying WT but my statement though seeming to be a contradiction is not really. I do not want to move out, leave my kids, my house, my W. However a non physical roommate relationship with the woman I love is most definitely a deal breaker for me.
It’s not about "getting laid" as my W has told me it’s about having the complete emotional/ physical relationship that constitutes a marriage. It’s that feeling of oneness that you get only from the person that you are in love with. As I have told her or at least tried to explain to her. If I just wanted sex strictly for the sake of having sex I would have done it a long time ago but it would not meet my needs. Maybe in the short run but it would only be a temporary fix.
I suggested the trial separation not as a threat or a way to manipulate but as a way maybe to give us both space and time to think. Our emotion connection has grown in the last year, as she has said also, but my desire to be physical has also and hers has not. In the last month we have argued twice over it to the point that she has started to pull away.
I don't want that but I also cannot pretend that it does not bother me that I feel physically attracted to her but she does not to me. Like I said three years is a long time and as the emotional connection grows so does my frustration over the non physical aspect. That is where the pressure comes from. It’s not intentional but it’s there none the less.
She knows how I feel, she knows what I want but I am just not sure how to back off physically without backing off emotionally. It’s one in the same for me now when it comes to her. I did for a long time, there was no physical or emotional connection. I did it in order to work on myself, I needed to be unconnected to her. But as time went on and especially this last year we have gotten really close and now with having that emotional connection I desire the physical more than ever. It’s a catch 22 and it sucks.
I don’t want to hurt her or abandon her or anything like that but I also don’t want to keep fighting over it nor do I want to keep fighting my own feeling and desires. How do I balance that and not put pressure on her? That is really what it all boils down to. My inner turmoil over her wants and my wants at this particular moment not being the same.
AAHHH a shrink would have a field day with me. Hopefully that clears it up. Doesn’t solve anything though but your post does make me think, as always.
Keep the winter caots and hats out I am sure old man winter will hit us atleast one more time before spring comes.
I'm not suggesting you're shallow (getting laid), that's just my way of expressing myself. I apologize for being insensitive. I know it's about the whole package for you. I'm one of those crazies that like that complete emotional/physical connection too. I'm getting old and jaded.
It may have not been your intention to threaten, but that's how it sounded to me. Your conversation sounded like it could be applying pressure. Again, not your intention, but it could have sounded like that to her.
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I don’t want to hurt her or abandon her or anything like that but I also don’t want to keep fighting over it nor do I want to keep fighting my own feeling and desires. How do I balance that and not put pressure on her? That is really what it all boils down to. My inner turmoil over her wants and my wants at this particular moment not being the same.
I completely understand this. To me, she continues to have control over this situation. She sets the tempo for your R. You cannot balance it without her input - how can one side balance a situation? IMHO, surrendering to the situation for a while is a possible solution. Doing nothing. What can you do? You're up against a situation that's not going to move until she decides it will. And your frustration? Will have to be tabled for now.
Has she given any indication where the disconnect is within her? Until a problem is acknowledged, it can't be fixed.
A shrink would not have a field day with you. You think too much. A man's job is to fix things. You're just doing your job.
