Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

Beware this is a bit of a rant...nowhere else to put it...

Well I was stupid. I hadn't checked H's email in quite some time, but today I did..and he has registered on match.com and chemistry.com.

Emotionally I am hurt and very upset. H had told me when he moved out a month ago, he didn't feel sexual and couldn't see getting into a relationship again for quite a while...I guess tha meant one month. I feel stupid for believing him I know you shouldn't believe a MLCer). I feel stupid for having any slim hope that he'll come back to me.

The rational part of me(not in the lead right now)thinks this is just the MLC way to fill he void, which may be good that he s feeling a void..

I shouldn't take it personally..there is no easy way for our spouses to fill that void without it causing the LBS some pain is there? I'm thinking of alcohol abuse, drugs, other people/affairs...it all hurts. I think detachment protects us, but boy, as detached as I was feeling, this sure hit me hard.

I know when H moved out, in his mind he already was divorced and free..but I'm not there yet, not after 22 years with this man.

I ran into H at the townhome a bit ago-he had dropped D14 off after they looked at a condo for rent that he checked out. He parked in the middle of the garage so I couldn't pull in. I guess I looked annoyed when I came in(I was) and he apologized. I'm sure I couldn't hide the hurt/anger very well(I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve)..He got snippy and left fairly quickly. He was upbeat in the two messages he left me earlier..

I wish I never had to see or deal with him again b/c really I'm so tired of the mood swings, the anger at me, the unpredictableness, the pain, the facade to everyone else that he is a good guy-which I used to so believe..but his actions don't bear that out anymore. He has friends who electronically pat him on the back for divorcing me and making these huge steps forward...what do they know of the real situation? I'm just so tired of it all.