Also to cutterbug...sicne you asked that I continue this here...How do you explain that you will not enable an affair when she constantly says that it is not an affair because she did not start it until after she said she wanted a divorce and that she no longer considers us married so there is nothing wrong in what she is doing...she says that yes she married me because she loves me but she also married me because she felt guilty about living together and that she now believes marriage is an archaic christian institution meant to control people and the governments excuse to make money off of it. She said that if two souls connect they should have a right to see where it goes. Is this an example of believe half of what you see and none of what you hear?
Sorry if this confuses anyone. I know this is a little different from my last post here but this is a continuation from the boundaries thread. I need advice on both posts please so do not overlook either one. Thank you all.
How do you explain that you will not enable an affair when she constantly says that it is not an affair because she did not start it until after she said she wanted a divorce and that she no longer considers us married so there is nothing wrong in what she is doing...
Simple.. "Do whatever you want, but not on my dime." Says it all.
Originally Posted By: hopingforhope32
She said that if two souls connect they should have a right to see where it goes.
Yep, and when that 2nd soul is not you... the first one goes right out the door. Ass first.
Originally Posted By: hopingforhope32
Sorry if this confuses anyone. I know this is a little different from my last post here but this is a continuation from the boundaries thread.
Okay so be firm and set the boundaries regardless...what about my post before this one? Anybody have some advice on how to handle things from this point as far as our communication and what I should do? Sorry for all the questions but this is very new for me.
Will do. I have noticed that there is usually backlash after I surprise her or after she opens a little. I attribute this to it confusing her. She has asked in the past for me to stop making changes because it makes her doubt everything. She does not like to be unsure. But I can't stop because I see such a better man coming out of this either way. So I attribute it to the two steps forward one step back thing. It also means she still cares and loves me. So I am gearing up, scripting, and role-playing with myself about not reciprocating the backlash. Thing is it is actually easier now that I have chosen to let go of what I feel has been done to me and forgive myself and her. I do not get angry. I feel sad and I want her to feel better...I hate that I have opened the door for all this. But I also know I can't change the past. I can however change what I do now and the future and that feels good. Oh yeah I will shorten the conversation next time.
Will be home Friday and will be able to put to practice some of what I learned in the 5 love languages as well as some new 180s. Wish me luck. I will continue to post and if anyone has any advice or encouragement I need it please. Thanks all.
She told me she is caught between being my best friend and being my wife.
Oh, hog-wash! That is just a bunch of WAW BS. Tune it out.
You are doing pretty good. I think you are wanting to her her compliment you on your changes, and a great deal of that is normal for new LBH's.....but it is not how it should be. The changes should be for you, in order to like yourself more and doesn't matter if she likes them or if she doesn't want you to change. It's not to get her back, and I think you realize that, but you still want to hear that she's happy with what you've done.
You need to make yourself less available to her and keep the phone calls shorter. Find something that you have to do.....remember you are a busy man being "involved" in GAL. Makes you more interesting.
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She has asked in the past for me to stop making changes because it makes her doubt everything.
Sounds kind of crazy....but I think I know what she means by that.
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I hate that I have opened the door for all this.
What do you mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She knows...I will be back Friday...She is picking me up at the bus station and then to get my car from the shop. We have discussed this and she says that while she still has feelings for internet EA she also has feelings for me that she can't ignore she just does not want to deal with them now. She said she realized this when she became jealous that I was talking to a friend. I plan to become very busy and also be a little mysterious. I am not going to get in her way at all. I am just going to do me and be happy and positive as I can.
180s I am doing right now are not initiating conversation about OR. Working out ( this makes me feel really good because I have found out I have a structure that gets fast results). I am not speaking to her about EA. When she does speak about our issues I listen, acknowledge, and cut it off if she starts to get irritated. I am finding myself able to talk less and less about it because I realize those discussions right now may not be too important at this stage and with the changes I am making for me she is looking for something to fight about to keep her mind made up. In the past before I realized these things she would bait me and then say see this is why I am leaving you. You haven't changed at all. I got wise to that real quick.
Fact is Sandy at first I wanted to change for her. But then I realized I no longer wanted to be the victim and the changes are about me. Yes I would like to hear recognition but I also realize that will not be the case. Me liking to hear that are my emotions not my motives.
Also can you explain more about the WAW hogwash?
Also she says she is hoping to see me GAL so she can no I am over her. Then when she sees me doing it she gets mad and says she should have figured. What is that about?
Wife called and asked if she could call me before she goes to bed...I am thinking of detaching some more and going ahead to sleep myself and missing the call...What do you guys think?
