Moving back in

[Greek]

Your initial apology was excellent -- I'm glad you did that. But to reapproach her a 2nd, and a 3rd time, and then do the "needy/grabby/melty-man" thing is CLASSIC "PURSUING," and you know that makes a walkaway feel smothered and pressured!


Puppy

And it says, "I'll feel better about what I did and said when you feel better about it and let me off the hook."

New DDog rule - you feel what YOU feel and it is no longer dependent on Mrs. DDog. You apologized b/c you felt you should. Fine. But you seem to be waiting for her permission to feel like your apology made a difference. Forgive yourself what you did/said. Whether she does or not - her deal.

Greek

[DDogs]

COACH / GREEK? (any others with recommendations?)I would be very interested to hear how you dealt with telling your kids about the D. I need to get the kids info, they need to be made aware of the situation that they are watching....

My concern is that the W needs to take ownership if the sitch.. I do not want to be made a co-conspirator or thrown under the bus... I want my kids to know that I am willing to make things right again..

Hey there DDog ~~~
Just catching up with you.

Here's what happened with us when we told our children (then 19, 16 and 10). We took them out to dinner. The only pre-game plan we had was that I would introduce the topic. I think Coach put it something like "You have to tell them b/c you are the one who is moving out and I will not accept any responsibility for this plan." Fair enough. So I told the kids that I was moving out, the two youngest would be coming with me but would spend time at Dad's house, too. The oldest was going to be away at school so no physical impact there. As I unfolded this to them, Coach said not a word. He sat at the end of the table and although I now know how rattled inside he was, he looked steady. He added nothing to what I told them. I knew that all of my statements had to be mine alone - no "we this" or "we that" - b/c he made it clear he would not allow that. When I finished, he simply asked the children, "Do you have any questions for me?" The boys didn't. Our daughter wanted to know where her stuff would be and I dealt with that.

Pay close attention to this: at the time, I thought he was a total a$$ for throwing me under the bus. I remember telling my IC - "Geez! Typical - he just sat there, let me carry the whole load, didn't contribute a thing!" Now I look back and I SEE that yes, indeed, he did let me carry the whole load b/c it was MINE. He didn't want a D. He wanted to work on our M. So why should he carry any of the weight to take it apart - esp. in front of our children. I have deep respect for the way he handled that evening. And my children have a clear clear clear memory of who wanted the D, and who didn't. And he never had to say a word.

Greek

GREEK
Thanks so much of your take,, the red highlites are the parts that resonate so accurately with how I feel and my position.. I've been told by others that this might not be the way because both w and I have participated in this.. the difference, IMHO, is that W wants to quit/D and I am actively working on reconciling my M... I do acknowledge the possibility of reconciling slowly fading as this progresses, her words and actions give no indication of change, Patience is important but from the inside looking out, its my pragmatic side says "dude, she's done" I will accept the results...

Will I like it, is it the outcome I wished, No,, but I will be satisfied that I did everything I thought of that I could to work for my M.... Yes..

my standard response lately, I'm meeting a friend out for lunch and to visit...


"May you live in interesting times.", Chinese curse, unk.

[Greek]

I've been told by others that this might not be the way because both w and I have participated in this.. the difference, IMHO, is that W wants to quit/D and I am actively working on reconciling my M...

Bingo. Coach never said he didn't contribute his share of mess to the M and resulting separation. He said - with his actions - that he was not the one who wanted the D. Greek wanted the D and he would not take any responsibility for my action on that route. I had to twist in the wind all by myself on that one - and I'm so grateful that he didn't rescue me from it. It was key to our reconciliation - the ownership.

Greek

[DDogs]

This is so f'n frustrating..... tonight w is on the porch and I approach her and tell her that I'm preparing what I'm going to tell the mc in session with the kids this Tuesday. I asked her if she wanted to discuss anything before hand so that we both go in prepared.

W tells me "no, o haven't thought about it, I was just going to follow the mc lead. He's done this beforevso he'll know wahtvto say" WTF

I am so pissed right now. It says to me that she wants the mc to do all the dirty work. She asks me what I plan on saying and I tell her "after you tell the kids that you have seen a lawyer and want to and have initiated a divorce from me" I will tell the kids I don't think this the way to deal with our marriage but your mom has decided this is what she wants" " I will talk about how I love them and that I will always be their dad etc....

I ask w if she has thought about any of their questions that might come up and she says no. (questions like where will they live, changing schools, their thongs and toys.... W Says she hasn't thought about that because she don't know.

My question was well should you at least give the kids an idea? The have little info and are probably trying to fill I'm the pieces. W just says this session is just to tell the kids of the divorce. The other info we can tell them later.

I don't know folks sounds like w is just winging it relying on the mc to provide info answer questions etc..... My feeling is that the w Is relyingvon the mc and L to drive this train and tell her what she should do/say. Like I said in an earlier post, she takes the easy way out of things. Like today finally bought chantrix to help her stop smoking cause it's too hard going by other methods. Ugh. Somebody 2*4 me please......

[Lotus]

You're not wrong. Stick to your guns. Say what you plan to say. Your kids are not babies. They will understand. Yes, she takes the easy way out.

[DDogs]

You're not wrong. Stick to your guns. Say what you plan to say. Your kids are not babies. They will understand. Yes, she takes the easy way out.

LOTUS: Thanks for the support, I plan on sticking to my guns, this ownership is hers for the taking whether she wants it or not.. In my mind I see a train wreck. My opinion W is driving straight into a brick wall....this is so sad. Rhetorical question, "Why can't she see this?"

Just venting now...

[DDogs]

UPDATE:

I was reading about Tridocs sitch today and felt relieved that he received the information that he desperately needed, and that his W will get her reality check... I felt such a relief from his new position and frustration from mine, that it motivated me to act regarding my W's history of taking the easy way out.

My past few post were regarding the w not willing to address the situation with the kids in counseling other than telling them a divorce is initiated. She fell back on the lame excuse that she doesn't know how she'll answer any of the kids questions because she doesn't know what she's going to do or what will happen and wants to wait to take the lead of the MC and L...

So this is what I did, after taking the D's out shopping, I came home and packed up all the W's clothing/belongings from the master bedroom (where I have been staying) put them in bags and began placing them in the small guestroom (where W has been staying).

W enters the guest room and asks me what I'm doing, I reply, "W, you were right, we don't know what is going to happen regarding this D, and aren't certain of what to tell the kids so I am helping point us in that direction." "I already have the home up for sale, when it sells, we will both be living in different places. I'm helping you get all your things together. You should probably start looking for places to live as I already have because if the home sells quickly, we can act on a moments notice to move out. This will help us get some realistic ideas to tell the kids what is going to happen."

She just stood there and quietly said ok.. and also helped move a few things..

I'm hoping the reality check of w telling the kids in MC tomorrow in conjunction of coming home to all her personal belongings piled in her room will give her pause to think...

No expectations, but I'm getting tired and frustrated with the plan to respond to W actions which are slow at best as well as seeing no signs of her stopping her intent to D. Last thing W would expect would be for me to push along the D.

[Lotus]

DDogs,

I am always concerned if someone takes bold steps beyond where they are really willing to go. I assume that you are willing to drive the D train and be divorced if you are taking these steps.

[DDogs]

LOTUS:

Here is where I'm at. I have come to accept the fact that W wants to D. As much as I try DB, tough love etc..those will not 100% guarantee she will change her mind. W is gone by words and action. All I can do is to continue what I am doing, work on myself, love my children and pray for strength and guidance.

I remember reading on here the analogy that once a soldier accepts the fact that he is already dead, he will not be afraid to act/do because the worst has already happened.. I find myself shifting to giving W what she so desperately wants and hope that maybe she'll begin to think.

I remember watching my kids play as babies, one had a toy the other absolutely had to have and they fought over it like a death struggle only to watch the one that wanted it so badly, just drop it after fighting so hard to get it..

Do I want a D, no,, but W is already gone....

[TrentC]

LOTUS:

Here is where I'm at. I have come to accept the fact that W wants to D. As much as I try DB, tough love etc..those will not 100% guarantee she will change her mind.

There's no guarantee that any of this will work. If that's what you're hoping for, you're in the wrong place.

It may be that dropping the rope and pushing towards D will really start her to think, since her struggle for the D was as much a struggle against you. Now that you and she are heading the same direction, she needs to think.