Well GW, I know when I got to this point in my sitch, I got some strong advice from of the men on the boards to speak up and confront whatever I did know. I didn't do that. I felt I needed actual, real proof. They kept telling me I have enough. And, I had less than you. Maybe I should have, but I was scared... it is hard!
So... if you DID lay a clear boundary in the past about NC, and you KNOW there was contact last week... she has violated the boundary. What does it say if you let that go?
There are some on these boards that say any form of A means you forfeit your right to privacy. When your W started an EA, and is still married to you, you have the right to "snoop" to determine if you can be emotionally safe in this M and to make decisions of what you feel is best for YOU and your kids.
You might want to give her a day or two to settle from the trip, but then there is nothing wrong with letting her know you are aware of at least one contact with OM, which means there is likely more than that. Let her know that means she violated the boundary. Let her then choose... either she respects the boundary with total transparency, or you will need to make some choices for YOU which may include S or D. This is not an ultimatum, it is maintaining a boundary you have already set and that you know she has violated.
