What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Wonderful!]

Doc,
Sorry. Isn't it is a relief to know you are not jealous and losing your mind! Amen! I have read all the advise you have gotten in a really short period of time.

My question is this: Doc, what do you want? My advise is this: You are in no place to definitivly answer this quetion right now. You must be in a very emotional state. This is trauma, you maybe shocky.Do not make an emotional decision, those will f**k you up real fast. Take your time, make your decisions. You have time. You are in control. BUT...

Now that you know the truth, you owe it to yourself to act. You do not have to tolerate the A while you make your decisions. You must try to stop the bleeding. My advise would be to immediately confront your wife with the truth and set a simple, clear boundry with real consequences. (You know your wife better than anyone, you know what consequences she will believe that you will enforce.)Aside from the usual advise for this talk, I would add the following:
1. ASK NO QUESTIONS (You know everything you need to know and this leads to an argument)
2. ANSWER NONE (You don't owe any explainations at this point and this leads to an argument)
3. STAY PLANTED WHILE SHE GIVES YOU [censored](You are gonna take alot of [censored]. This is going to be all your fault)
4. CALMLY REITERATE YOUR BOUNDRY. Do not elaborate, do not explain it. Simply state it, restate it and state it again. You are a combination of Ghandi, John Wayne and muthaf**kin James Bond. You have ice in your viens, you are fearless, and you ain't takin no [censored] off nobody, no matter what.
5. Walk away

Ultimately, you may decide that you no longer wish to be in this marriage. That, I submit, is a decision for another day. In the mean time you can assert a boundry with real consequences. You may, once the dust settles, change your mind and assert a different boundry, such as, "F>>k you, Get out" But now, you have a free hand. Don't let you emotions make your choices for you and any decision you make now, will be an emotional one.

Again, sorry Doc. I am here.


Then, while your wife is on her heals you have some time to make your decisions.

[Ready2Change]

YOU WILL NOT GUESS WHO CALLED ME TODAY!!!!! THE OM WIFE!!!!!
She found out where I worked and had me paged. I had a long conversation with her. My W has another phone and they had a tryst this weekend as I suspected. The OM wife has kicked him out of the house. She found out this weekend. He planned on a golf trip in Phoenix and forgot his clubs the back of the truck. She found his cell records. She caught him lying.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so good right now. It wasn’t me after all. She is the demon in all of this!!!

What do I need to do now and how do I confront her with this? I don’t want to kick her out. I might just pretend that I don’t know.

He has 3 kids around my kids age. His wife is devastated. He says that he is in love with her. They have a long history together and were highschool sweethearts. First love. He got her pregnant in HS and they had to get an abortion..... Sheesh.

I NEED HELP FROM ALL OF YOU NOW.

Well it's a good thing a few of us never told you that this was happening ;-)

"I told you so" just doesn't seem to cut it.

And yes I'm busting your balls, you didn't listen and went on your own path preaching trust and unconditional love when you are in no situation with your wife to be preaching any of this, all it did was make you look like a big dummy to your wife and I'm being an a$$ to you on purpose, because I want you to feel this.

So you're asking what to do now.

Someone mentioned "gather hard evidence",
the evidence is here already, no more gathering needed.

If you want my advice, this is what you should do:

Take a day off work.
Pack a few of her bags,
get some of her stuff in boxes
put her dirty laundry in some garbage bags.
Do this when she's not home, add to the mystery of the situation, she likes to do things behind your back, you'll return the favor.

Wait for her to come home and you tell her "WE NEED TO TALK.", be firm about it too but not an a$$. Make sure the kids aren't in the room, maybe have someone pick them up or just make sure they're not within hearing distance of this.

Ask her to sit down, you can remain standing if you want.

You tell her, "I know what happened this weekend, I know about the OM, I know about your affair with him and I've had it with you. I get it, you don't want to be with me anymore and you know what, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't choose to be with me, life is too short and I have WAY TOO MANY options instead of waiting around for you to wake up from your funk. I want you to be with him, I hope you will be happy with him. I spoke to his wife and she's on the same page as well and she just kicked him out and I figured you should join him - I'VE DECIDED I WANT YOU TO BE WITH HIM. We'll work out a custody arrangement when you get yourself a place to stay but for tonight I want you out of the house, you can spend the night at the hotel with him, you spent the weekend with him at one, you might as well continue this and don't worry about the kids, they'll be fine, you didn't worry about them this past weekend while you were doing what you did. You had your chance with me to work on our marriage and you blew it and I'VE DECIDED IT'S TIME FOR ME TO LET YOU GO AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE, I CAN'T WASTE IT ON YOU ANYMORE."

And that's it.

You walk away,
you bring her stuff that you packed to the door,
you open the door for her and ask her to leave.

Seriously tri,
you have to stand up to her in a real way,
I told you before that there was no way you had cut through the WAW fog that easily with one family trip, she is in it deep and you have to let her go for the time being, and you have to proceed with the plans we setup originally and that includes dating other women and let her deal with the fear of loss & the crisis of the situation she helped create. You see fantasy is great up until the point it meets reality, and then it sucks because they will have no fantasy, no hiding around, no sneaking about, they can't lie to you anymore because you won't tolerate it. You have to show her that you value yourself more than you value her.

Above all else,
DO NOT ARGUE WITH HER!!!
I don't care what points she brings up,
how she tries to turn this around as being your fault, it doesn't matter, it's all WAW talk and it doesn't matter, they will lie through their teeth and tell you whatever they need to tell you to get what they want. Just look at her as if she is the most unattractive person you have ever looked at and walk away in disgust. DO NOT ARGUE WITH HER!!! If you have to, take the kids out for dinner or something and leave the home, just tell her you want her gone by the time you get back.

JUST DO IT.

This is amazing advise. DO WHAT WORKS!!!!!

[robx]

Thanks everyone. A lot of help here and a lot to digest. Should I get a lawyer first? Do I make things worse legally by kicking her out on her a$$? I have a call into a lawyer friend about all this.

I am not opposed one bit to what RobX says. It is my first reaction.

When I kicked my wife out,
I didn't ask a lawyer for advice or permission and she left with her tail between her legs, I guess I did it in such a way that she felt very bad about what happened and she was extremely sad that she had to leave and now she's trying to work her way back and being super nice and acknowledging her mistakes and owning her actions.

In the end tri, if you want to talk to a lawyer do it but I would still proceed to kicking her out, if she wants to force her way back in after a few days and contacts a lawyer to do so, let her, let her do all the work, let her expend all the required energy and effort in fact I would highly recommend this but go forth with the original plan: stand up for yourself, kick her out, let her know she has lost the world.

[Greek]

Thanks everyone. A lot of help here and a lot to digest. Should I get a lawyer first? Do I make things worse legally by kicking her out on her a$$? I have a call into a lawyer friend about all this.

I am not opposed one bit to what RobX says. It is my first reaction.

Try your plan out here. What will you do today?
Greek

[Ready2Change]

I am a fan of less words = more of a punch:

I know about your affair. I know about OM, and I know what happened this weekend. I am done with the lies. I get it, you don't want to be with me anymore. You know what, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Life is too short and I have WAY TOO MANY options.

I have decided that I want you out of the house. Tonight, you can spend the night at the hotel with him. I am sure that will make you both happy.

Don't worry about our kids, they'll be fine. We will work out a custody arrangement when you get settled in your new place.

You had your chance to work on our marriage and you blew it. I'VE DECIDED IT'S TIME FOR ME TO LET YOU GO AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE, I CAN'T WASTE IT ON YOU ANYMORE."

[Ready2Change]

It is always good to be prepared. Find out which lawyers are good and set up 1 hour "consultations". You will need a lawyer to defend yourself if she retains a lawyer.

[chatterbug]

Drop the rope. Show her the respect she deserves. Allow her to fully face the consequences of her actions and choices. Tough love.

[Sleepy]

So when she got home, I gathered up the kids and took them to a partners house. She was wondering what was up, but I think she knew. When I got home she told me that she had just been on the phone with her attorney. Attorney??Apparently she had an appointment with one tomorrow: A mediator ..... signs all over the office. “ The peaceful easy divorce” F*#k that $hit. No divorce is peaceful.

I sat her down and told her to grab a diet coke. I told her everything that RobX said and she told me that it was illegal for me to kick her out. She refused to leave. She made an appointment with the attorney that moment and I went along to meet her. I can’t kick her out legally at this moment.

She hired this woman, but I could tell that she was thinking the same thing that I was. You guys haven’t had counseling?

I sat there and told her the whole story. My W is destroying two families. I told her this. She wants what is best for the kids. I told her what is best for the kids. She sits there and tells me this is what is best. I told her “if the shoe was on the other foot I probably would be telling you the same thing”. Get real!

My wife wants me to go down peacefully. I’m not doing it. I’m hiring a bulldog. If this is what she wants I’m going to crush her and her little fantasy.

Currently, I can’t stand to look at her. She is the scum of the earth. I can’t see how she can make this peaceful for the kids and us with this behavior. What kind of message does this send?

So legally, I can’t kick her out. What do I do now!!!

[chatterbug]

Legally you cannot. So you cannot.


Expose and she tells the kids that she is leaving the marriage. You make her have this conversation. R2C started a nice thread on it in the newcomers...


Do not argue. State facts. State boundaries.

[DDogs]

Tridoc, it sounds like your w thinks that she is in control and driving this train now and as long as she believes that, she will not reach crisis mode. Your actions have shown that this is unacceptable to you and you will not tolerate this, period.. That needs to stay like that, no weakness or backslide. You need to be ROCK SOLID. and the 4 C's. Believe me this will make the W nuts.

Give it a little time, now with the OM exposed to his W, He very likely is having second thoughts about your wife, he just wanted an easy uncomplicated piece of tail... now that OM has been called out he has much to lose, I doubt he will be chasing your W. Once your W realizes this, it will sink in and W will have a holy Sh!t moment.

I was cautioned by others here to expect the unexpected by a factor of 10,, believe it, I saw it in my sitch first hand.

You also might want to consider buying a keeping on you a small digital recorder.... Mine threatened to call the police on me...