Running out of time.

[Cie la vie]

I am posting for the first time in this forum. My initial thread is in the newcomers forum under "All signs point to game over". I'm not sure how to create a link to it for those who are interested in my story. Sorry.

Anyway, my sitch is reaching a head and I have been feeling pretty crappy the last few days as the reality of it is really sinking in.

I finally received the DR and immediately read up on the LRT. Which I realize I have been actively doing for sometime now. Unfortunately I really haven't noticed any change in my W MO. She has been over the last few weeks more engaging in conversation with me but may be because I have been more receptive to conversation than I was in the early stages of initiating the LRT.

If you had a chance to read up on sitch you will know that my W is involved with a OM. There maybe some doubts forming in my W mind that this guy is not right for her. I form this opinion on some snooping I have done on her cell phone. I read a text message from her good friend that suggested she has doubts in the OM.

Anyway my W has found an apartment and is moving out in two weeks. We have been through two rounds of mediation and temporary custody arrangments are in place.

This morning my W brought up the topic of when we were going to put the house on the market. This is obviously a very uncomfortable topic for me. Once the house is sold our family is cooked and the D is certain to go through.

My question is since I do not feel I have gotten anywhere with the LRT would it be a mistake to ask my W if she still feels this is the right decision (the D)? The main reason I am considering this is the revelation that she may have doubts about the OM.

I'm getting desperate here but have been adhereing to the LRT game plan without fail. Not sure what my moves are from here.

Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.

[Kemper]

Hey Cie la vie,

You can point to your orginal thread a couple of ways.

A direct link in the first post like this
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1915177&page=1

If you want it in your signature you can edit your profile and adding the following
[url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1915177&page=1] Title [//url]

You will need to remove one of the / above to have it work.

[Kemper]

If you run out of characters you can go to http://tinyurl.com/ to get a short url that redirects to your longer URL.

[Kemper]

I will read through your original sitch but wanted to comment on what you have posted here first.

I know our situations are close and I will only point you to the advice given to me. You know your W and sitch better than anyone and it will be your choice in the end.

This page of my old thread is where the majority of advice was given that started me down the path I am on now:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1910828&page=24

I know it is hard but the best thing you can do is to stop snooping. While your W might be having doubts she hasn't brought that up to you and it might just give you false hope. Additionally, I wouldn't take my W back unless she showed true remorse for her actions. Thinking "this" OM isn't right doesn't mean that she doesn't want another OM.

As far as the house goes I would talk with your L to determine your options esp. if the house is underwater.

Going to check out your original thread.

[Kemper]

It is interesting to me that I made a comment about if the current OM isn't right doesn't mean she doesn't want another OM.

I read through your other thread and noticed where you found evidence of another potential OM.

I do have one question. With your W out of work why did you guys continue to pay for a nanny? It seems like your W had it easy, no? With your new custody worked out do you have the option of only having the nanny when you have custody and need to work? I would think that would cut down on expenses if you didn't have to pay for the nanny when the children are with your W.

[MHL]

Clv,
Just read your thread, my WAW MLC has done the multiple OM thing right now, has probably had ONS's etc. You can read my thread but to put things in perspective, I don't think all of a sudden our wives have become these sex addicts, for them it is the "New Love" thing and the chemical release in their brains that they are seeking and yes that is what they are addicted to and it is a drug. They know what they are doing is wrong but justify it by what we H's have or have not done in the M in the past. My W just like yours has totally abandoned the kids. My D13 knows about OM #1 and OM#2 and hates my W for the lies she has told to her and what she is doing to the family. My W only sees my S9 and then it is less than 4-5 hours a week. She usually has dinner twice a week with him and she usually cuts that short. None of our friends can believe what she is doing as a mother. Our MLC WAW are definitely on an island, in a fog, hooked on a drug and are completely out of control. It has taken me 6 months to get where you are at emotionally today. GREAT JOB!! You are doing much better than I did.

In all likelyhood your W's behavior will increase not decrease when she moves out. Sorry, but that is what happened with my W. Protect your kids first, who knows what your W may or may not do, leave them alone. Have strange men back to the apartment when they are there etc. I know this is not pleasant but these are things you need to consider. Here is the good news, it sounds like your W might already see the challenge in keeping a R going with OM #1 and OM #2 is not really started.

My W was talking with OM #1 while involved with OM #2, I broke up her and OM#2 and she is still in contact with OM #1 but he is 2.5 hours away and definitely not interested in a R. My W is on the prowl everynight for new R. I have decided that I would almost rather her be involved with 1 person and let the R run its course so that when it comes crashing down, she will then experience the rejection that we are experiencing, it may be the only thing that will wake them up.

I have pretty successfully detatched and have 7 months before she can file for D. I hope she meets someone, falls in love and they break her heart in that time. Probably wishful thinking but I am pretty sure she is not coming back to me, not before she hits bottom and she is not there yet.

I think in your case since D is so easy that you just view it as a separation and you keep on DBing. I would say that you treat her as friendly as cordial as you would anyone but do not fulfill any of her emotional needs, meaning friendship, I made that mistake with my W and I just got hurt. You keep on doing the 180's and be nice to her and you will know when she is genuinely interested in you. As you have probably read this will probably take months, so strap in. It sounds like you are already doing a great job.

BTW welcome to the Forum.

[Cie la vie]

K,

Sorry about the delay in my response to your reply. I actually had nice response teed up on Sat. night through my Bberry but when I tried to send it I got some error message. I don't have access to the family computer as it is in my W possession and I refused to pay for the internet service.

Unfortunately I can only respond via the work computer, which is not the best option.

Anyway, you were dead on with the multiple OM thought process. And I agree the snooping thing isn't a good idea but it has yielded some very interesting and useful information. One being the OM action. Which is heating up. She isn't fishing with hook and line but with a net from what I have discovered. No end in sight with the her manhunt. Oh well I guess I should no longer be surprised.

You absolutely has had it easy over the 4.5 months of unemployment. I told her I thought it was ridiculous that we are paying 3k/month ($1,500.00 of which is my expense) for nanny coverage while she has been unemployed and really didn't make any effort to look for a new job until January. Just hiking and burning through her cashed out 401k like drunken sailor.

You are right about not getting my hopes up based on some information gathered via snooping about her R with OM1. The bottom line is she hasn't shown any sign of wavering on her decision to D regardless of what is happening with her new life.

I'm going to catch up further on your sitch and the advice you received. Thanks for your reply and look forward to further discussions.

[Cie la vie]

MHL,

Nice to get your take on things. It is crazy how many of us seem to be on the same ride.

What does ONS's stand for?

You are correct they definitely know what they are doing is wrong and the spin doctoring, revisionist history and rewriting the whole marriage/relationship to justify and rationalize what they are doing is incredible. Some of the BS reasons the W has laid on me for her decision where just ridiculous.

I'm not sure I would characterize my W behavior toward the children as totally abandoned at least not yet but her focus has dramatically shifted since the sh**t hit the fan. She mentioned to me last night that the kids had a B-day party to attend for classmate but she opted to send the nanny to it so she could go for a hike. This is an example of the selfishness and shift in her focus away from the kids and onto her. I didn't say anything, just got up and and went to work (this morning).

In all likelyhood your W's behavior will increase not decrease when she moves out.

I absolutely believe this is what will happen with my W as well. My guess is the local OM she is currently talking to will become apartment visitors etc. I do worry about the kids when they are with her, but not much I can do about it.

I'm not sure my W will wake up under any circumstances, at least that is what I tell myself so that I do not get my hopes up. Her sister echo's your comment about hitting rock bottom before she can see the light. The problem with that is the house will have long since sold and the damage will be complete.

The helmet is strapped on tight for the duration of this disaster. Keep plugging away as well. Thanks for rolling out the welcome mat.

[MHL]

Clv,
ONS is "one night stands", You sound as though you have a good handle on things and that you were DBing and didn't even know it. My view on my W and our marriage is that the M is over and that if she were to ever come back it would have to be new, but kids will never let it be new if we were to get back together.

I think that the only thing that would wake up a WAW is for them to get into a R w/ OM and have the R run its course. The OM will eventually start treating her wrong or better yet dump her. The thing that I read in some success stories is that when they do settle down you then become the OM and you will always have a reason to interact with your W b/c of the children. That has wrecked many A's because the OM gets jealous. That is my approach for now, I am not sure if my W is involved with OM but if she is she is keeping it quiet this time but there again I am not looking. I have dropped the rope. I think that is all we can do.

[Cie la vie]

MHL,

I replied to your message earlier and noticed it didn't take. Man I am not IT specialist that is for sue.

Anyway, thank you for the getting me up to speed on the ONS'. That would only mildly surprise as the fall from grace has been so rapid and clearly devoid of a parachute.

I think that the only thing that would wake up a WAW is for them to get into a R w/ OM and have the R run its course.

Everyone in the know regarding the wifes A is of the same opinion, no chance at R until the A runs it's course, however, the OM in the net could be a monkey wrench in that process.

My days snooping are coming to an end as the W will be out of the home by the end of next week. The whole snooping thing has only really served to verify what I already knew except for the realization she is chatting up additional OM. That can't be a good sign. The most disturbing news has long since flowed under the bridge.

I think I am getting close to dropping the rope as well, having her out of the house will only help in completing this task.

She spent most of Sunday painting (or so she told me) at her new apartment. I know I shouldn't waste energy speculating on her mindset but it makes me think she is excited to be on her own and setting up shop. Not something I need to be thinking about.

As far as your first comment, after getting DR I immediately read the section on LRT and realized that I had started implementing much of it before reading about it. However, I did get many ideas about 180's, GAling, acting as if, etc. from being here. This forum has been a gold mine for support and techniques on surviving.