I fail to see what business it is of OM's wife what you choose to do in *your* marriage. Her opinion is irrelevant, not to mention heavily biased.
This totally sucks for you, nobody deserves being cheated to, lied to, and manipulated like you have been. That said, I think you need an attitude check. First it's all you, you were cold and unavailable, and now you need to practice unconditional love because you're the one who sent the marriage onto the rocks. Now, you have proof of adultery, and all of a sudden it's all her, her, her and you're the righteous angel? Neither stance seems like a reflection of how real people actually work.
A foolish consistency may be the hobgoblin of little minds, but *no* consistency is just intensely frustrating to others in your life, and makes you appear untrustworthy and dangerous as a partner. That will be true in every relationship. Start now.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Look at yourself Greek... did Coach let you back into the door after only a few hours of misery? NOPE.
Understood. Ours was a bit different b/c I left. However, to your point, when I inched back, he showed me a door that could be opened. And so my concern with Robx's approach is will it send the message that the door is closed and canNOT be opened.
My concern with my own advice to Doc is that if he gives her the two choices, he'll go soft on her. At least with Rob's plan, geeeez! No going soft there. And so it has merit b/c tough love is very much needed here.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Look at yourself Greek... did Coach let you back into the door after only a few hours of misery? NOPE.
Understood. Ours was a bit different b/c I left. However, to your point, when I inched back, he showed me a door that could be opened. And so my concern with Robx's approach is will it send the message that the door is closed and canNOT be opened.
My concern with my own advice to Doc is that if he gives her the two choices, he'll go soft on her. At least with Rob's plan, geeeez! No going soft there. And so it has merit b/c tough love is very much needed here.
Greek
Tri can crack the door open after at least 3 days to a week after she has been left to stew in the crap she's created. Until then... NO CONTACT.
Last edited by Gnosis; 01/18/1007:27 PM. Reason: bolding
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
If she really wants Tri, she will pursue. This will not happen overnight. If it does then it is FALSE desire. Her intentions need to be true... and Tri needs some days off to figure out WTF he really wants.
Kicking her out is for his own benefit too... even if he doesn't realize it at the moment.
This totally sucks for you, nobody deserves being cheated to, lied to, and manipulated like you have been. That said, I think you need an attitude check. First it's all you, you were cold and unavailable, and now you need to practice unconditional love because you're the one who sent the marriage onto the rocks. Now, you have proof of adultery, and all of a sudden it's all her, her, her and you're the righteous angel? Neither stance seems like a reflection of how real people actually work.
Very well said.
I've seen this tendency for people to use the WAS's infidelity as absolution for their own weakness or their own failings quite a bit around here.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I've seen this tendency for people to use the WAS's infidelity as absolution for their own weakness or their own failings quite a bit around here.
No one is absolving Tridoc. He has his own issues that he IS aware of. What you are talking about is a natural emotional reaction after discovering that they have been gaslighted all this time. Tridoc's case is a perfect example.
When I confronted my H with proof I was surprised at how easily he crumbled. Be aware of what happens around you. You may be surprised to see that you are capable of handling this on your own, without coaching. I know I was surprised when I did it. Personally, I think this is a process and won't be done in just one conversation. I'm not sure that setting your feet in concrete other than to demand the affair stop immediately does you any good. A good tennis player is on his toes and ready for the next return. You need to know what you want out of this.
Thanks everyone. A lot of help here and a lot to digest. Should I get a lawyer first? Do I make things worse legally by kicking her out on her a$$? I have a call into a lawyer friend about all this.
I am not opposed one bit to what RobX says. It is my first reaction.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
When you pursue your W while she is out with OM, I feel disappointed. I want you to be skeptical of everything she does and says. I want you to DB. I want you to do these things to save your M. Her behavior is very disrespectful to you. If you enable irresponsible behavior, it will continue.......
Doc,
You can enable irresponsible behavior, or you memorize what robx wrote and kick her out. Kicking her out is so counter-intuitive. Kick her out with style. Shock her back into reality. The fantasy ends today. You have to reject her hard. You have to reject her. Reject her and make her pursue you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
