Of course you were in a funk - be gentle with yourself. First H's insensitive comment, now the return of the OW - it touches on the traumas you have experienced. Piecing is hard, no matter what stage, so don't feel guilty. Look how many people are pulling for you! Rebuilding trust is a painful rollercoaster ride, so don't forget to pat yourself on the back for how far you've come esp. when the funk comes. All your feelings are natural and are part of your healing, so good job having a little cry to move them through.
Thanks H4L I should clarify, OW hasn't re-emerged... that we know of. It's just that H is worried that she may be continuing contact with co-workers and worrying what she might be saying. We've done better not focusing on fears of what we can't control.
H was in a funk yesterday. This sitch has strained many areas of our lives, including finances. We had to talk about that yesterday, and he can't handle it. It sends him into a very dark place emotionally and he said yesterday that his frustration with finances was a huge part of the "fuel" that led him to thinking he wanted to "walk away" (yes, he used those words!) from his life and have a "do over" life. I tried to validate, but when he gets like that I can't validate too much or it makes it worse. I think that is a mistake I made before the A. So, I did a 180 yesterday and told him "Our situation is what it is, we are working together to make positive changes and improve it as best we can. In the meantime, I am not going to let you get so down about it. Let's do something else." We went for a little drive and then watched a movie. It helped a bit, but he struggled still. In the past, I would have let his mood get me down too. But, I must have made some progress in emotional detachment during this sitch, because I find I am better able to not let that happen anymore.
Rocked thanks for blogging that last bit, finances have been and are going to be for a bit and its good to hear how others are getting through it, I used to go for the chin up its ok but now realise that I need to own up to my end of the deal!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I must take some pointers from you. My H has been in a funk about finances for a long time and I often allow his moods to bring me down. You continue to handle the issues that come up in such a positive way. Way to go!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Rocked, good for you for not letting H's moods bring you down.
It's been one of the best lessons I've learned. BF will get into a snit but, of course, doesn't want to talk about it. In the past I would poke and prod until he finally said something or just let his mood turn my mood foul also. But these days I ask once if something is wrong. If he doesn't answer then I go about my merry way because it is his responsibility to deal with his own emotions.
As for finances, I think a lot of us struggle with putting them back on track after an affair/separation/etc. I know when BF had his own apt we had a finance discussion and he said he was going into the red every month (he is the sole income) but it is what it is. I think your approach is good: make a plan to improve the sitch and not dwell on the negatives.
Hope you're having a good Sunday! We're watching football all day then I'm watching the Golden Globes tonight.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks for the encouragement and support everyone.
But, lest we think all is going too well in Mr. and Mrs. Rocked's World... we had a bit of a blow out last night. Ended ok and things ok today... so far... but yeesh, it was not fun.
Started with me getting triggered, and H not understanding at all this time why I was triggered. H was looking at maps of where he'd like to go camping/hiking sometime. Shouldn't be a big deal, that's something he would have done before this sitch. But.... at the end of July he did a trip like that "alone" b/c he needed time for himself to sort out everything he was struggling with about his life. I tried to be supportive, and even though I didn't like it b/c we were struggling, I agreed it seemed like something that would be good for him. Even helped him pack etc. Then, when the PA came out in Nov. found out she was along on that trip. I was devestated to find out something like that happened that far back. And, I trusted him that he was telling the truth about that trip. Of all the scars this A has caused me personally and to our M, that trip is probably the worst, for many, many reasons. I have told H this before.
Anyway, for some reason, I was triggered very intensely last night, and at first H was supportive, asking me to tell him what was wrong. When I started, I ended up getting angry about that trip and things came out pretty harshly. That got his defenses up and he went into attacking me about his perspective that I failed him in meeting those needs to do fun things like that and that he was the one who did most of that with the kids and has never been appreciated for it.
The conversation then became about him and my stuff got lost...
It got quite heated. I am wondering if other piecers have a hard time with accepting your own failings when you are feeling so betrayed. I know I have made mistakes in our M, and none of them excuse his choice to have an A. He knows this too, and has said this, but I just couldn't hear that last night.
I ended up validating his feelings about all that eventually, as hard as it was. I also told him the conversation got hijacked and became about him, and I never got to finish what I needed to say. He did apologize about that, and apologized again for that trip/the lies associated with the trip etc. He and I both wonder how many times he will need to apologize for the same things. I can only say "I don't know".
It ended calmly with both of us apologizing for what we needed to. But, I can feel things seem more strained since somehow. I think he is getting to this point of wondering, how long is this going to keep happening? And, I don't know. It's so hard.
So, the old Rocked, prior to this sitch, would have been pursuing H today to "fix" things, cheer him up etc. During the A, I learned to detach and not pursue. Now that we are piecing, I have a hard time figuring out the balance with that. Any advice on this welcome.
Do not pursue! You need to give him the space to consider/acknowledge that he needs to support you when you're triggered. (Though, in my H's case, it took many months before he was able to stop getting all defensive and "me, me, me" during such episodes.)
Since Piecing is all about reestablishing communication, I'd lightly say to him tonight that it was a shame you felt so highly triggered last night, and you can't wait for these triggers to diminish, but you really appreciate the way that he (insert any honest compliments for the way he reacted). If he wants to add more to that, great, otherwise, consider the conversation ended and move on to other matters.
Thanks Cyrena! That is very helpful! That sounds like a good balance. I did send one TM today, asking how the day was going, but that is not unusual. We both tend to do that almost every day anyway. So I don't think that is pursuing?
Beating a dead horse....get and read the books! I think the reason that BF handles my triggers so well is because he learned from an outside source that it's going to take a loooong time for me to get past this and if he wants it to work it's his job to reassure me as much as I need.
I forget, are you seeing a MC in addition to both of you in IC or is it just IC for now? If you are seeing MC, then that's something I would bring up there and ask for tools to use during these convos.
FWIW, I completely understand why you would be triggered by that bc I would be too! In fact, we have not been bowling since the sitch started bc BF was in the work league with OW and would always go out with her afterwards. And I get nervous if he wants to go out with coworkers for happy hour after work for the same reasons. He has done that a couple times, but each time filled me with dread and he didn't see it as a big deal.
I think some things we'll have to learn to deal with and some things they'll have to give up because it's just too fraught with emotion.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Pearl, I know, I know! I looked once at a local bookstore, they didn't have either in stock so I've been planning to order them... just need to do it! We are not in MC right now. We had gone to 2 sessions in the fall, when I thought there was just an EA "winding down" as he kept telling me at the time. Now that I know what was really going on at that time, no wonder the MC wasn't doing much. But, H did like the MC and has agreed we should go back. He initially said he wanted to focus on IC first, though. I haven't brought up MC for a bit and I think it might be time to do that.
H called just a short time ago. He is struggling today with guilt again. Also, the fears of losing his job. He has done this work for twenty years. There are not a lot of job openings in his field and he has no interest in re-training at his age for something else. I am trying to encourage him not to think about the worst case scenarios, but I know he feels he needs to plan "in case". The trouble is, he can't seem to find "a plan". He is pretty discouraged today.
I am doing my best to detach enough to not get brought down by H's emotions, but still validate and support. No wonder I'm so tired all the time... lol!
Anyway, I truly am grateful to be piecing, and do believe we will be moving forward. I think I just have to accept this is going to be hard for awhile.
