I would definitely go to IC and your MD about how you feel about things. While you were dating your wife, were you more fun and looked toward the future?
It is a very important time for you, start to 180 yourself. I don't know, if you are always negative, how about coming home with some scratch off cards, and have fun with the kids with them. (just a suggestion, do not judge me lol)
If she is staying in the house it would be a great time to start dressing better, looking sharp, smell nice. Go to the gym and start working out. And start to gal (get a life) go out with your friends this Friday, just say, hey you gonna be around to watch the kids I have some plans for Friday night, and then be real vague. It is time to start to become a mystery man, someone that any chick would love to be around, you can do it. I did!
mostly my neagtivity and how i can "pout" if you will, but mostly the negativity
How attractive do you think that looks to her? (full disclosure: Admittedly, I did the same damn thing before Depression diagnosis and treatment).
Originally Posted By: gman
these are traits i have even told my own children that i HATE about myself
HATE is pretty strong. Cut yourself some slack. Do something about it. And, questionably commendable honesty aside, is this the kind of statement a father should be making to his children? I think not. It is victim-like, poor me, and not the image of strength children rightly expect of their father.
Originally Posted By: gman
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
One more question: Have you rolled over and given in to your wife throughout your M just to keep the peace? In effect, have you been neutered? It's actually a pretty common thing to happen...but based on your wife stating low desire, not being attracted, etc., I'd say she's lost respect for you.
I would say - yes , but more of me ignoring problems as if they didn't exist so i could keep the peace.
Drop what doesn't work.
Originally Posted By: gman
I am going book hunting tonight
Good. Put No More Mr. Nice Guy on your list and take those quizzes in The UltraMind Solution. You won't even have to buy it to do that
Originally Posted By: gman
I do need advise on how to "give her space" that she requests - any thoughts because at lunch today it just seemed if i said anything she gotr pissed and if i did nothing i was accused of pouting and she got pissed....a real win-win situation for me
Give. Her. Space. Make yourself a bit scarce. Stay out of these kinds of situations. A thought: at lunch you could have said, "you're right. I am. I think I'll leave you be and give that some thought." And then leave. Extricate yourself. Take some control.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
when we were dating i would say i was less "conservative" than i am right now - i spend most of my time with my kids running and coaching one sport or another - heck i even still play video games with them when i can. I think my W is really focused in on my negative outlook i always have.
i agree with the looking better and what not, however she is a VERY insecure woman - he father was a cheating machine from when she was about 14. She gets VERY jealous if i even have conversations with attractive women - is not telling her what i am going to do really the best thing?
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
It is a perfect thing, especially if she is a jealous woman. If she gets jealous and is interested in exactly what you did, that is a good thing, that means she has not shut completely down.
Do not be afraid to do these things, have you gotten the book yet, DR? You have a lot going for you and you are going to be all right.
I would also have my radar up on signs of an affair.
Do your homework.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
wow...i am going to be reading a lot it sounds like - i do not think an affair is happening after seeing what it did to her family first hand - and she has told me she doesn't even have any sexual urges with or without me.
there is my "optimism"
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
is not telling her what i am going to do really the best thing?
Don't tell her, just DO it. Show her that you are not going to be negative all the time.
I def say to look into IC because it's going to help you sort out your own issues. Remember, you're not doing this for her, you're doing it to clear your mind and work on you. Working on your marriage apart from taht is also what you're focusing on here. What you do is tell her you want to make the M work, or willing to do any and everything to do that and if she doesnt' want to do MC, you respect that but you're going to do it on your own. Then pull back.
I would not advise you to move out, esp. if she's the one who wants the separation.
Feel free to read my sitch. My H is also very negative and kind of a "danny downer" or "negative nelly." As the other person in the M, I can tell you it is NOT attractive to us. So start finding positive things you like about yourself and stuff you like to do.
Would you say that most of your negative attitude shows by having a critical spirit or complaining? Is she often the target
she is never the target - more of an "outlook" on life always seems like uphill battle for me every day.
Originally Posted By: soleil
What you do is tell her you want to make the M work, or willing to do any and everything to do that and if she doesnt' want to do MC, you respect that but you're going to do it on your own. Then pull back.
I would not advise you to move out, esp. if she's the one who wants the separation.
Feel free to read my sitch. My H is also very negative and kind of a "danny downer" or "negative nelly." As the other person in the M, I can tell you it is NOT attractive to us. So start finding positive things you like about yourself and stuff you like to do.
amazing how talking to people who i do not know can shed so much light on a very dark day - i am calling my bookstore to make sure they have DR in stock - istrangely i have a much more positive outlook on life - i need to change for me...and the rest of my family!
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
