No time line. Hit her hard ( in speach only ) and make sure you kick her out as well.
This will make the two of them come together and they can have a nice conversation about how they have nothing. Spouses are horrible. Kicking them out. Let them decide how 'soul mates' can over come this and all others.
Then when she is gone. Let it all out.
Then you need to decide about exposure.
Thats your choice.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
...If she admits it but falls apart and begs you to forgive her, stand your ground about what it will take for YOU TO WORK ON THE M! Tranparency. She has to cough up the go-phone. Remember how she was leaving her legit phone out to APPEAR open. You've learned something about her, right????? Make her own this and earn you!
Doc ~ it's either one or the other. She is a very manipulative girl and my bet is she will try to twist this into a soft landing for herself. Do not allow this. If you want to recover your M, you have to be tough with her HERE.
Oh and once she finds out OM is kicked out - that's going to be a big blow up and she may blame you. You know not to take that bait. Don't debate it with her. You know and she knows what's what. And another thing - that OM is probably on his knees right now begging W to take him back. From what I've read here, OM tend not to want the reality either. His fantasy is coming to a screeching halt, too.
Keep us posted! Be smart. Be strong. Greek
instead of re-writing all of what greek said, i just emphasized it, now you have a few people giving a nod in the direction you should be going in, are you going to veer off track again and go the safe route or are you going to do the right thing?
Help OM's W buck up and play the tough love card, too. But I predict she'll have an easier time b/c he's going to be begging to come back. He can't afford what he's done.
This is also true. Just because your wife may be in a fog doesn't mean that the OM won't snap out of it when reality sinks in.
The important thing for you to decide is, does her affair mean it's over between you two? Is it a deal-breaker? If not, then what do you need from her in order to start rebuilding that trust?
(Oh, and if she comes back and wants to reconcile, get yourselves to an MC.)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Tri I would advise against giving her choices, as much as I'm a fan of greek's advice, don't give her choices anymore, let her deal with the consequences of her actions for some time, now isn't the time for a soft touch. Kick her out of the house, let her deal with the reality of you moving on without her. Only when a WAS deals with fear of loss and crisis will they make the decision to move on or stay, if you offer her choices, you are still in a manner of speaking pursuing, you are showing them that you still value them and you have to drop that perceived value down to zero. They have to know you mean business otherwise she will call your bluff, she did that with the text's on your cellphone remember and she reeled you in to your proper subservient position, where she is in control, you have to turn it around so that she knows you're in charge now.
No choices.
You can give her choices if she decides to work on the marriage and you will know if she is sincere or not at that point but you're nowhere near there now.
I don't totally disagree with Rob's take on this. I do wonder though - if Doc is open to reconciliation, how does that happen after the Robx crisis move? See what I mean? What would that look like? Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
You should kick her out (or at least try - I tried but legally I have no right to do it and she knew that and stood on the position that 'talking' isn't wrong but your situation is different now). If you don't, her A will only escalate right under your nose now that OM is kicked out of his house (unless he breaks it off to try to fix his M).
The only way you should back down is if she agrees to ALL of your terms of transparency, etc but you would have to be extremely vigilant about enforcing those things since she is in a fog and will have OM-relapses even if she is telling you she is quitting cold turkey.
I agree with the others - you don't need any more proof. You know the truth and so does she, so all you need is that confidence that you know and she will probably get it. If not, you can mention the detail about the shuttle/taxi and about OM being in Phoenix without his golf clubs before discussing his W.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
My advice is confront as soon as possible. There is no advantage in waiting. You have all the confirmation you need. By tomorrow you will have physical proof anyway. She was caught no matter if you got the call or not. Exposing the affair takes away a very good measure of the fun. He will probably start backing off, and she will have to weigh her options.
Trent is right. She got caught with her pants down (so to speak) but you have admitted that you could have been a better husband too. That doesn't excuse the behavior, but no one is perfect.
Tri I would advise against giving her choices, as much as I'm a fan of greek's advice, don't give her choices anymore, let her deal with the consequences of her actions for some time, now isn't the time for a soft touch. Kick her out of the house, let her deal with the reality of you moving on without her. Only when a WAS deals with fear of loss and crisis will they make the decision to move on or stay, if you offer her choices, you are still in a manner of speaking pursuing, you are showing them that you still value them and you have to drop that perceived value down to zero. They have to know you mean business otherwise she will call your bluff, she did that with the text's on your cellphone remember and she reeled you in to your proper subservient position, where she is in control, you have to turn it around so that she knows you're in charge now.
No choices.
You can give her choices if she decides to work on the marriage and you will know if she is sincere or not at that point but you're nowhere near there now.
I don't totally disagree with Rob's take on this. I do wonder though - if Doc is open to reconciliation, how does that happen after the Robx crisis move? See what I mean? What would that look like? Greek
Well Greek at that point, when reality sets in and she chooses to really commit to and work on the marriage, that will be up to Tri to figure out and if she values him and the relationship she has with him, she will do what it takes to restore that trust and restore their marriage.
No sense in laying tracks in a new direction if there is no train to travel with.
Tri has to really process and digest what has happened here, he has to realize his value again and how she took him for granted, he came from a position originally where he thought the bulk of this was his fault, he needs to take responsibility for what he's done but he has to allow her to be an adult and do the same for what she's done, if he makes it to easy on her and she doesn't have to work for this, she will attribute no value to this process and will repeat her past behaviors.
We attribute value to things that are hard to come by and very little value to things we acquire easily.
I don't totally disagree with Rob's take on this. I do wonder though - if Doc is open to reconciliation, how does that happen after the Robx crisis move? See what I mean? What would that look like? Greek
She HAS to pay the consequences for her actions. Anything less and Tri is demeaning himself.
Sure, OMW found out and kicked him out... so OM has some begging to do. Tri's W has to be kicked out too. She has to feel the pain of what she has managed to achieve. She has to suffer. Only through pain do we learn.
Look at all the LBS's here... how did we learn? how did we better ourselves? how did we make the changes?
THROUGH PAIN AND SUFFERING
Unfortunately it is the quickest and fastest way that human beings learn their lessons.
If you sit there and let her beg and cry for a day... it doesn't work.
Look at yourself Greek... did Coach let you back into the door after only a few hours of misery? NOPE.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Trent is right. She got caught with her pants down (so to speak) but you have admitted that you could have been a better husband too. That doesn't excuse the behavior, but no one is perfect.
As I was learning to deal with my depression, the phrase I used a lot was "my depression is a reason for my behavior, not an excuse for it."
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
