What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Sleepy]

I feel fantastic right now!!!! A huge weight has been lifted off me. It wasn't me! It was her. She was so cold....I am reading all these books on how to help myself and I did, and it's her all along.

I want to handle this appropriately and not out of anger. I want to proceed the RIGHT way. This is a no fault state so it doesn't matter if she is having an affair or not. I am contacting a lawyer though. I need to get all my affairs in order. I'm not going to make this easy for her

[TrentC]

What do I need to do now and how do I confront her with this? I don’t want to kick her out. I might just pretend that I don’t know.

You don't have to kick her out. But you probably should set a boundary here.

Tell her that her behavior is disrespectful to you and to the marriage. If she wants to sleep with other men, she needs to find someplace else to live and you will consider your options. If she wants to stay and work things out, she must give up contact with the OM.

[TrentC]

I feel fantastic right now!!!! A huge weight has been lifted off me. It wasn't me! It was her. She was so cold....I am reading all these books on how to help myself and I did, and it's her all along.

I hate to break it to you, but it's never just one person in the relationship.

It's good that you have been working on yourself and your R. But resist the temptation to demonize your wife.

[Ready2Change]

Doc,

Search and read as much as you can on "Puppy Dig Tails". He gives the best advise.

I would strongly suggest that you:

1) Do not give her any information on "HOW" you know.

2) Set boundaries.

3) Keep working on you. Yes, she is the one that has been making poor choices, but it is important for us to keep growing. I would not give up the changes I have made....

I wish you well during this very difficult time of your life. Stay strong. You can handle it.

[robx]

YOU WILL NOT GUESS WHO CALLED ME TODAY!!!!! THE OM WIFE!!!!!
She found out where I worked and had me paged. I had a long conversation with her. My W has another phone and they had a tryst this weekend as I suspected. The OM wife has kicked him out of the house. She found out this weekend. He planned on a golf trip in Phoenix and forgot his clubs the back of the truck. She found his cell records. She caught him lying.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so good right now. It wasn’t me after all. She is the demon in all of this!!!

What do I need to do now and how do I confront her with this? I don’t want to kick her out. I might just pretend that I don’t know.

He has 3 kids around my kids age. His wife is devastated. He says that he is in love with her. They have a long history together and were highschool sweethearts. First love. He got her pregnant in HS and they had to get an abortion..... Sheesh.

I NEED HELP FROM ALL OF YOU NOW.

Well it's a good thing a few of us never told you that this was happening ;-)

"I told you so" just doesn't seem to cut it.

And yes I'm busting your balls, you didn't listen and went on your own path preaching trust and unconditional love when you are in no situation with your wife to be preaching any of this, all it did was make you look like a big dummy to your wife and I'm being an a$$ to you on purpose, because I want you to feel this.

So you're asking what to do now.

Someone mentioned "gather hard evidence",
the evidence is here already, no more gathering needed.

If you want my advice, this is what you should do:

Take a day off work.
Pack a few of her bags,
get some of her stuff in boxes
put her dirty laundry in some garbage bags.
Do this when she's not home, add to the mystery of the situation, she likes to do things behind your back, you'll return the favor.

Wait for her to come home and you tell her "WE NEED TO TALK.", be firm about it too but not an a$$. Make sure the kids aren't in the room, maybe have someone pick them up or just make sure they're not within hearing distance of this.

Ask her to sit down, you can remain standing if you want.

You tell her, "I know what happened this weekend, I know about the OM, I know about your affair with him and I've had it with you. I get it, you don't want to be with me anymore and you know what, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't choose to be with me, life is too short and I have WAY TOO MANY options instead of waiting around for you to wake up from your funk. I want you to be with him, I hope you will be happy with him. I spoke to his wife and she's on the same page as well and she just kicked him out and I figured you should join him - I'VE DECIDED I WANT YOU TO BE WITH HIM. We'll work out a custody arrangement when you get yourself a place to stay but for tonight I want you out of the house, you can spend the night at the hotel with him, you spent the weekend with him at one, you might as well continue this and don't worry about the kids, they'll be fine, you didn't worry about them this past weekend while you were doing what you did. You had your chance with me to work on our marriage and you blew it and I'VE DECIDED IT'S TIME FOR ME TO LET YOU GO AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE, I CAN'T WASTE IT ON YOU ANYMORE."

And that's it.

You walk away,
you bring her stuff that you packed to the door,
you open the door for her and ask her to leave.

Seriously tri,
you have to stand up to her in a real way,
I told you before that there was no way you had cut through the WAW fog that easily with one family trip, she is in it deep and you have to let her go for the time being, and you have to proceed with the plans we setup originally and that includes dating other women and let her deal with the fear of loss & the crisis of the situation she helped create. You see fantasy is great up until the point it meets reality, and then it sucks because they will have no fantasy, no hiding around, no sneaking about, they can't lie to you anymore because you won't tolerate it. You have to show her that you value yourself more than you value her.

Above all else,
DO NOT ARGUE WITH HER!!!
I don't care what points she brings up,
how she tries to turn this around as being your fault, it doesn't matter, it's all WAW talk and it doesn't matter, they will lie through their teeth and tell you whatever they need to tell you to get what they want. Just look at her as if she is the most unattractive person you have ever looked at and walk away in disgust. DO NOT ARGUE WITH HER!!! If you have to, take the kids out for dinner or something and leave the home, just tell her you want her gone by the time you get back.

JUST DO IT.

[Greek]

Oh Doc...I'm sorry....but yeah, it makes sense.

I'm not an expert - only know what I've learned here - but I'm wondering if you actually need any more proof that that the OM's W called AND SHE has the proof. And I think you keep that very close to the vest, too.

So borrowing from Puppy: "W, I know that you are having an A with OM (use his name). You have a choice - you can either cut off all contact with him right now w/ complete tranparency to my satisfaction and go to MC to work on the M... OR ... you can take the next 7 days to find a place to live and move out."

If she denies, again borrowing from the Pupster "W, we both know that you are lying. It's insulting to me for you to deny what we both know and it makes you look even smaller and unattractive to me." (or something like that)

If she admits it but falls apart and begs you to forgive her, stand your ground about what it will take for YOU TO WORK ON THE M! Tranparency. She has to cough up the go-phone. Remember how she was leaving her legit phone out to APPEAR open. You've learned something about her, right????? Make her own this and earn you!

Doc ~ it's either one or the other. She is a very manipulative girl and my bet is she will try to twist this into a soft landing for herself. Do not allow this. If you want to recover your M, you have to be tough with her HERE.

Oh and once she finds out OM is kicked out - that's going to be a big blow up and she may blame you. You know not to take that bait. Don't debate it with her. You know and she knows what's what. And another thing - that OM is probably on his knees right now begging W to take him back. From what I've read here, OM tend not to want the reality either. His fantasy is coming to a screeching halt, too.

Keep us posted! Be smart. Be strong.
Greek

[Sleepy]

Should I ask her " Do you want to tell me really what you did this weekend?" Should I just stay dark get my lawyer all lined up and get all my ducks in a row. Should I continue acting like nothing happened?...... Until I throw the bomb right back at her.

The OM wife says it would be playing right into her plans if I kicked her out. Because he is out now too. They would be getting what they want!

[robx]

Tri I would advise against giving her choices,
as much as I'm a fan of greek's advice, don't give her choices anymore, let her deal with the consequences of her actions for some time, now isn't the time for a soft touch. Kick her out of the house, let her deal with the reality of you moving on without her. Only when a WAS deals with fear of loss and crisis will they make the decision to move on or stay, if you offer her choices, you are still in a manner of speaking pursuing, you are showing them that you still value them and you have to drop that perceived value down to zero. They have to know you mean business otherwise she will call your bluff, she did that with the text's on your cellphone remember and she reeled you in to your proper subservient position, where she is in control, you have to turn it around so that she knows you're in charge now.

No choices.

You can give her choices if she decides to work on the marriage and you will know if she is sincere or not at that point but you're nowhere near there now.

[TrentC]

The OM wife says it would be playing right into her plans if I kicked her out. Because he is out now too. They would be getting what they want!

No, that's what they think they want.

Part of the thrill of the affair is being able to sneak around behind their spouses' backs. They get to have the romantic getaway weekend and come back to you and OM's W.

But if they get forced to live together, out in the open, then that thrill is gone. Now they get to argue over who does the laundry, or she finds out that he's really a slob. She's not going to wear the sexy underwear for him all day every day.

My father left my mother for another woman -- an ex-wife, actually. Within two months, they had split up because the reality couldn't live up to the fantasy.

[Greek]

Should I ask her " Do you want to tell me really what you did this weekend?" Should I just stay dark get my lawyer all lined up and get all my ducks in a row. Should I continue acting like nothing happened?...... Until I throw the bomb right back at her.

The OM wife says it would be playing right into her plans if I kicked her out. Because he is out now too. They would be getting what they want!

Doc ~ don't ask her about the weekend. You know about the weekend and dude, she is JUST GOING TO LIE! She gets NO INPUT NOW except making the choices you lay out before her. PERIOD!

They will not get what they want being together. Here is what they'll have - no sneaking. No fantasy. He'll be broke b/c there are three children and a W that the law won't let him walk away from. Your W is going to be broke b/c you are the bread winner. And these two entitled brats will only enjoy their salad days until the first argument comes along. Then they'll look at what they left and ... yeah...first love or not, it's not built on anything either one of them can rely upon.

Help OM's W buck up and play the tough love card, too. But I predict she'll have an easier time b/c he's going to be begging to come back. He can't afford what he's done.

Greek