My wife and I have been married for two years now and she has told me she wants a divorce and has found someone on the internet three states away that she plans on meeting because she says he loves her the way she wants to be loved...At first I was so hurt and angry. I begged, I cried, nothing worked. She just said she felt bad about hurting me but we got married out of guilt and she was not in love with me anymore even though she loves me. We separated for a few days and I just felt that the separation was the wrong answer. Prior to the separation I had begun some serious work in me. After only a few days she told me the more she sees the man in me come out she knows is there the more she misses me but she says she has to consider her feelings and the ea feelings too. I am supposed to go back home Friday because she can't find a job and I can't support two house holds. She is still in contact with ea but says she told him she has to work on her. She also said that she did not think she was the kind of person to develop feelings for someone else so it must be fate because it happened and that it is not an affair because she did not allow herself to have emotions for him until after she said she wanted to split up. She said even though she loves me there is no passion anymore. Looking back I see where this is the result of a huge communication breakdown...She really did fight for us and I did not see it because of my own issues of being depressed because I had not been able to find a job for 7 months. I can't believe how much of a fool I have been. I did not see where she was at. At the same time I realize neither one of us was meeting the others needs. I was not able to effectively communicate my needs as well and withdrew in pain.I see all the mistakes I have made and I know this is a hard situation to work through. Here is what I have started doing. I have stopped speaking about ea. I have stopped talking about saving our marriage. I have started doing some things for myself that she has been asking me to do such as work out and take a little better care of myself and I have found out I enjoy this and this part is now for me.I have made an effort to be more present in our conversations( yes we still talk. she calls as well as I). I have stopped talking about why this happened or what she did. To be honest with you I do not want to rehash the past I just want to change and find solutions. I have expressed genuine interest and support when she calls me and tells me she is interested in something. I have started to study what makes her tick. This is what the ea did with her when he realized we were having problems...sneaky snake...I am starting to live as if and I am not doing temperature checks. I am reading Divorce Remedy and the Five Love Languages( Love languages is a book she loves but I hacve not told her I am reading it.I know there is some hope because she told me even though she is not in love with me she is stuck between being my wife and being my best friend. She told me that she would watch me over the next little while before she makes a decision but that she is scared of going backwards because she promised herself she was done and does not want to go through this again and that it is most likely too little too late...she said I should know she loves me because she is willing to see if anything changes and that if feelings for me come back she will not repress them. She calls. She says I love you. She is still coming to me for support on things that she will go to no one else on. Also I am supposed to move back in Friday...the more we are around each other the more she begins to open up little by little. She also said on her own she has noticed some big changes in me and that it shocks her and she is a little angry( do not know what to do with this). She is still telling me how to love her the way she needs to be though it is VERY inadvertently; there was a conversation where she told me of something her ea said and she said all she could think was why couldn't I have done that. At the same time she has said that she does not want to receive from me or teach me how to love her. I am putting the effort in to learn her again and to see things from her point. I am hoping to get the phone coaching but right now just having started a new job I do not have the money. I know there is some hope here and I know I have taken some good steps but I really need everyone. Please if there is any advice you can give to help until I can get a coach I need it. I do not want to screw this up. She is a good woman and I love her. I really want to save this. I need specifics as well, Thanks.
Keep doing what you are doing. Make goals and make them for yourself not her. I am in your exact situation. If you read through my situation. You will find lots of advise. Try and do better at listening to there advise then i am and you will be fine.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
Quick preliminary thoughts: -Read Last Resort Techniques in DR. -Do Not leave your home or your marital bed. -Read Coach's Boundaries thread here on Newcomers. Contact with EA is unacceptable in your house, you will not share your wife with another man. -Frankly, "she can't find a job"? Tough. Do not help her in any way. Real-world consequences of her actions. -Consider talking to a DB Telephone Coach if you can afford it. -Read The 5 Love Languages -I see some real, small positives in your sitch. You're off to a good start. -Write in paragraphs and break it up. Much easier to read and digest that way.
I have no experience in EA/PA, so I will bow out now and let those who do chime in.
Good luck.
Last edited by Gardener; 01/18/1005:24 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
What is this 5 love languages book you are talking about? I havent heard of it
I'd look it up on Amazon. I'm no expert. I have the "Men's Edition" since my Borders didn't have the original (it's a bit of a franchise/series now, like the Chicken Soup for the Xxx books) and have not read it all yet.
Basically,the author's premise is that we each speak in - and respond to - one or more of five "Love Languages":
Words of Affirmation Quality Time Receiving gifts Acts of Service Physical Touch
Figure out your mates language and "speak" in it.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I am currently reading the Five Love Languages book as well ass The Divorce Remedy. I have told her that I in no way approve and will not share her with another man. I also found that the more I leave it alone and do me the more she responds to me and a little less to him.
I unfortunately work 6 days on and 6 days off and I have to stay overnight at my work because I am a residential counselor. I have informed her though that I am going to be staying in my house on my off shifts now. At first she wanted me to stay with my clan mother and then send money up there. But I realized that if I truly love myself why am I going to be the victim, be broken, and live with someone else while she is doing what she wants and living good. She was not happy when I told her I was coming back but I told her this was about me doing something different for me and had nothing to do with me pursuing her. She has started to talk a little more since then. She also told me yesterday that she resents me because things are not going well for her. She can't find a job and all of a sudden I was able to get a job and a car with little money.
The only time we discuss EA is when she brings him up. Usually it is in the context of this is what he is doing why didn't you? I just listen and take notes so that I do know what to do when the time is right. I affirm her concerns and listen but I do not defend myself because I know it is only going to go to the arguing about how she is in love with someone else and it must be fate because she isn't like that. Or its too little too late.
She has mentioned that she is angry and a little shocked at the changes she is seeing in me. I was talking to some friends online and she REALLY did not like it...That is when she said she doesn't think she knows me like she thought and she is bouncing between the position of being my best friend and being my wife.
Messed up this morning when we spoke. She was really aggravated over something someone did on face book and I reverted and asked her if I did something. She got mad and said no and she didn't want to tell me what it was. I caught myself and said ok well I will let you go sorry if I made you feel pressured and got of the phone.
Gardner you said you saw some real, small positives. Could you please be specific so I know what I am doing right. SOme of this is unnatural and some of this has just happened because I have decided not to be a victim. I have actually put most of this into practice a few days before I found this site and bought the book.
Also I could not find the Coaches Boundaries thread.
Gardner you said you saw some real, small positives. Could you please be specific so I know what I am doing right.
imo:
Originally Posted By: hopingforhope32
After only a few days she told me the more she sees the man in me come out she knows is there the more she misses me She calls. she begins to open up little by little.
Things like this plus everything you're doing.
Originally Posted By: hopingforhope32
She also said on her own she has noticed some big changes in me and that it shocks her and she is a little angry( do not know what to do with this).
This is the very real (to her), "too little too late" mantra.
Originally Posted By: hopingforhope32
SOme of this is unnatural
The right thing to do, DB-wise, is always counterintuitive.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks Gardner...I think I understand a little better. She just called to ask about the joint bank account balance( I have been holding onto my own money). Said she had to go to town. I think she knows I am trying to end the conversations a little earlier so she made this one short. Said she wants to call later. We will see. Didn't say I love you this time but I have also noticed after days like yesterday that are good, open, and communicative she tends to throw a bad one right after that. I guess she is scared and defensive? Maybe she feels she is out of control with my changes? I am noticing a pattern to her now with my changes. I know after she has her bad few days she will be a little more open if this works. She has always wanted to communicate more though...I think the space without space is good though. That is where she said the more I see the man I know is there the more I miss you.Keep it coming guys please. I know no two people see the same things and I need all the help I can get.
I do have another question as well...While I am giving her space and doing me she has expressed to me some things that make her feel loved and that she needs...Just little things like acts of service such as making the bed or cooking dinner when she is tied up or frustrated. Is it possible to do these things if done nonchalantly( I am really done with begging and will not ask for temp checks or affirmation) and still be able to remain cool and about me? I know she is watching my every move. She told me the other night she really wants to see consistency out of me. Would doing these little things slowly but surely hinder or help progress since she expressed these things?
She just called to ask about the joint bank account balance( I have been holding onto my own money). Said she had to go to town. I think she knows I am trying to end the conversations a little earlier so she made this one short.
She beat you to it. End the call earlier. Don't answer calls. Call back later when you're ready and/or have "rehearsed" a bit what you want to project and be ready for in this call.
Originally Posted By: hopingforhope32
Didn't say I love you this time
Stop looking for this.
Originally Posted By: hopingforhope32
but I have also noticed after days like yesterday that are good, open, and communicative she tends to throw a bad one right after that.
Always. Script. Be ready for it and don't react because it will happen every time. It just is.
Originally Posted By: hopingforhope32
That is where she said the more I see the man I know is there the more I miss you.
She's giving you a bit of a map, here. Follow it. She remembers that man. So do you. Start bringing him back. Be that man.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
