Thanks for the encouragement and support everyone.
But, lest we think all is going too well in Mr. and Mrs. Rocked's World... we had a bit of a blow out last night. Ended ok and things ok today... so far... but yeesh, it was not fun.
Started with me getting triggered, and H not understanding at all this time why I was triggered. H was looking at maps of where he'd like to go camping/hiking sometime. Shouldn't be a big deal, that's something he would have done before this sitch. But.... at the end of July he did a trip like that "alone" b/c he needed time for himself to sort out everything he was struggling with about his life. I tried to be supportive, and even though I didn't like it b/c we were struggling, I agreed it seemed like something that would be good for him. Even helped him pack etc. Then, when the PA came out in Nov. found out she was along on that trip. I was devestated to find out something like that happened that far back. And, I trusted him that he was telling the truth about that trip. Of all the scars this A has caused me personally and to our M, that trip is probably the worst, for many, many reasons. I have told H this before.
Anyway, for some reason, I was triggered very intensely last night, and at first H was supportive, asking me to tell him what was wrong. When I started, I ended up getting angry about that trip and things came out pretty harshly. That got his defenses up and he went into attacking me about his perspective that I failed him in meeting those needs to do fun things like that and that he was the one who did most of that with the kids and has never been appreciated for it.
The conversation then became about him and my stuff got lost...
It got quite heated. I am wondering if other piecers have a hard time with accepting your own failings when you are feeling so betrayed. I know I have made mistakes in our M, and none of them excuse his choice to have an A. He knows this too, and has said this, but I just couldn't hear that last night.
I ended up validating his feelings about all that eventually, as hard as it was. I also told him the conversation got hijacked and became about him, and I never got to finish what I needed to say. He did apologize about that, and apologized again for that trip/the lies associated with the trip etc. He and I both wonder how many times he will need to apologize for the same things. I can only say "I don't know".
It ended calmly with both of us apologizing for what we needed to. But, I can feel things seem more strained since somehow. I think he is getting to this point of wondering, how long is this going to keep happening? And, I don't know. It's so hard.
So, the old Rocked, prior to this sitch, would have been pursuing H today to "fix" things, cheer him up etc. During the A, I learned to detach and not pursue. Now that we are piecing, I have a hard time figuring out the balance with that. Any advice on this welcome.
