no idea what to do......

[SDFoundGirl]

Gman~

Sorry you're here, but it's a good place to be when you're in this situation. A comment about this:

i have always been a pessimist since we got married - she likes to refer to it as being "negative", we have had a few bouts about it over the years but this one blind sided me - we are both still in the house (this all happened yesterday), she told me she won't leave the kids. I would consider IC if it would even give me another chance to keep my wife.

Go to IC not because you think it will give you another chance to keep your wife, but because it will help you learn more about yourself and get healthy so that, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, you come out of the other end of this a better partner...whether that's for you W or someone else.

You are going to have to take your focus off of your W and put it on to you. What has your W complained about in your M? How can you start looking to take care of those traits that she's complained about? What do YOU want to work on FOR YOURSELF?

Also, it's time to Get a Life (GAL). Have you dropped hobbies you loved? Are there things you'd like to try that you've held back on? Do you have friends you'd like to reconnect with? This is for YOU...it takes the focus off of your W.

A lot of this will feel counterintuitive, but it is your best chance at restoring the M and, more importantly, helping YOU become a better mate.

The sooner you can come to terms with the fact that there is nothing you can do to *make* your W change her mind, that she has her own path and work to do, the better. Your best chance is to make yourself the better option.

One more question: Have you rolled over and given in to your wife throughout your M just to keep the peace? In effect, have you been neutered? It's actually a pretty common thing to happen...but based on your wife stating low desire, not being attracted, etc., I'd say she's lost respect for you. I did for my H, and it wasn't until he bombed me (AKA, called BS on what had been happening) that I gained back my respect for him and became attracted again. I'd already emotionally walked away from the M, but he was the one who had the nerve to question whether we should stay together. Best thing that man ever did!

Do you have DB or DR? If not, get a copy and read it cover to cover. DO NOT show it to your W, don't let her know about this place, it is YOURS ONLY.

Hang in there. It does get better.

SD