my wife of 12 years has basically told me she "cannot" give me the love i deserve and that all the years of doing everything for everyone has left her empty inside. i read the WAS stories and i see the same things in her i read others are going through....she tells me she has no sexual desire to be with me and how can i want to be in a marriage like that....my answer "because i love her". she refuses to go to any kind of counciling either - she repeatedly tells me she is "giving up" - i know i am no saint in this all, like most men i assumed things were fine when they are not - i am trying to make myself a better person and realize now how i need to be more positive in life.
i have no one i can really talk to about this..i feel so alone.
my kids (11,8,4) are becoming very aware that something is not right -
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
i have always been a pessimist since we got married - she likes to refer to it as being "negative", we have had a few bouts about it over the years but this one blind sided me - we are both still in the house (this all happened yesterday), she told me she won't leave the kids. I would consider IC if it would even give me another chance to keep my wife.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Well, you're in the right place, then. Read. Read Divorce Remedy. Read Quotes found on Divorcebusting II at the top of the Newcomers list. Post. Tell us more about your sitch. Have you considered going to counseling yourself? Consider talking to a DB Telephone Coach, if you can afford it.
Originally Posted By: gman
i feel so alone.
Good. Means you're normal. And definitely have come to the right place
Originally Posted By: gman
my kids (11,8,4) are becoming very aware that something is not right -
They've been aware for a while. They sense it.
Hey, wait a minnit...I'm "GMan"!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
i have always been a pessimist since we got married - she likes to refer to it as being "negative"
Talk to your doctor about Depression. Just from being a fairly well-read person, I probably could have listed all the symptoms of depression even when I was in the throes of it...and still didn't realize I was depressed.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
i have often wondered if that was one of my "inner" problems that i did not want to believe
Oh, then you should definiteley do a little research online and talk to your Dr. It's all usually just chemical imbalance of amino acids and neuro-transmitters. Just the diagnosis gave me relief ("I'm not going crazy? Whew!") Meds gave me relief ("Hey, I remember this guy!"). Check out the book The UltraMind Solution. Take the simple quizzes that identify which amino acids you may be deficient in. For me, it was an eye-opener and taking inexpensive amino acids allowed my Dr. to wean me of the meds.
Also, how old are you? Have Dr. check out testosterone levels and thyroid. It all made a world of difference for me. Disclaimer: The above is for informational purposes only and is not to intended to diagnose, treat, etc., etc.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Sorry you're here, but it's a good place to be when you're in this situation. A comment about this:
Originally Posted By: gman
i have always been a pessimist since we got married - she likes to refer to it as being "negative", we have had a few bouts about it over the years but this one blind sided me - we are both still in the house (this all happened yesterday), she told me she won't leave the kids. I would consider IC if it would even give me another chance to keep my wife.
Go to IC not because you think it will give you another chance to keep your wife, but because it will help you learn more about yourself and get healthy so that, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, you come out of the other end of this a better partner...whether that's for you W or someone else.
You are going to have to take your focus off of your W and put it on to you. What has your W complained about in your M? How can you start looking to take care of those traits that she's complained about? What do YOU want to work on FOR YOURSELF?
Also, it's time to Get a Life (GAL). Have you dropped hobbies you loved? Are there things you'd like to try that you've held back on? Do you have friends you'd like to reconnect with? This is for YOU...it takes the focus off of your W.
A lot of this will feel counterintuitive, but it is your best chance at restoring the M and, more importantly, helping YOU become a better mate.
The sooner you can come to terms with the fact that there is nothing you can do to *make* your W change her mind, that she has her own path and work to do, the better. Your best chance is to make yourself the better option.
One more question: Have you rolled over and given in to your wife throughout your M just to keep the peace? In effect, have you been neutered? It's actually a pretty common thing to happen...but based on your wife stating low desire, not being attracted, etc., I'd say she's lost respect for you. I did for my H, and it wasn't until he bombed me (AKA, called BS on what had been happening) that I gained back my respect for him and became attracted again. I'd already emotionally walked away from the M, but he was the one who had the nerve to question whether we should stay together. Best thing that man ever did!
Do you have DB or DR? If not, get a copy and read it cover to cover. DO NOT show it to your W, don't let her know about this place, it is YOURS ONLY.
Hang in there. It does get better.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
What has your W complained about in your M? How can you start looking to take care of those traits that she's complained about? What do YOU want to work on FOR YOURSELF?
mostly my neagtivity and how i can "pout" if you will, but mostly the negativity - these are traits i have even told my own children that i HATE about myself
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
One more question: Have you rolled over and given in to your wife throughout your M just to keep the peace? In effect, have you been neutered? It's actually a pretty common thing to happen...but based on your wife stating low desire, not being attracted, etc., I'd say she's lost respect for you.
I would say - yes , but more of me ignoring problems as if they didn't exist so i could keep the peace.
I am going book hunting tonight - this will be my place to help re-define who i am and hopefully keep my family in tact.
I do need advise on how to "give her space" that she requests - any thoughts because at lunch today it just seemed if i said anything she gotr pissed and if i did nothing i was accused of pouting and she got pissed....a real win-win situation for me
oh BTW i am 37 and feeling less alone thanks to this place
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Meds gave me relief ("Hey, I remember this guy!"). Check out the book 