nsw,
Welcome.
Whoa. A lot to read there for a first post. I just skimmed for now. Will read more later.

Tough, complicated sitch. Read DR. Definitely read The Walk Out Woman: When Your Heart Is Empty And Your Dreams Are Lost by Stephens and Grey. It's a bit on the religious side but gave me a lot of insight into my WAW's perspective. As did Michele's The Walkaway Wife Syndrome (under "Articles" on the home page of this site).

Work on you for you.
Hang on. The rest of the Cavalry will be here shortly with more.
Good luck.

Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac