I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[talia]

Hi Mark,
The hack was through facebook actually. I hate that site! I don't think H knows about this site and even if he found this post he'll never guess the PW. I do know that he stalks my FB page and asks mutual friends about me. I'm hopeful that means he still cares in some weird twisted way. How long have you been going through this? Do you have a post on here with your story?

Cutter,
Thanks! I can still have contact with his family, but I choose not to. Every time H finds out I've talked to them he freaks out and makes my life miserable. Generally speaking they are on "my side" but they've circled the wagons too. They don't agree with H, but they are supporting him. FIL seems to be on H's side even though he says he's not. FIL thinks that H has always loved OW and only married me because I was there and H couldn't have OW. Thats nice to hear. Apparently thats how FIL feels about an ex of his and his current wife. Totally an in-appropriate thing to tell me. FIL allows OW at his home. He clearly dosen't have the morals he touts. FIL dosen't agree with D but since H's parents are D he see's how "it can be necessary". I agree when MIL was abusing the kids, but thats a whole different story. FIL seems to have bought into the falling out of love BS and apparently its my fault that H feels that way. H's sister walked out on her husband the same way about 1.5 years ago, they barely put things back together recently. She thinks this is all the same stuff from their childhood.

Flowmom,
Thanks for posting. I'm sorry you are here. Stick with the stuff in DR - it will be a life saver for you. I wish I had found it all sooner. If nothing else - it will help you stay sane! :)I'm not really sure if there are differences between WAH/WAW. I'm guessing they are similar, but was just curious IF there are differences.


The depression was a by product of major grief and loss with no way to cope. I've discussed the medication thing, its just not right for me. I'm doing great with IC and learning how to label my feelings and deal with them instead of stuff them away.

You are right, the depression was VERY hard on H. I can see it now as I look back. I think H internalized my unhappiness as his fault, which isn't how I felt at all, but that goes back to his insecurities. I can see how he might have felt that D is what I wanted. I was brutal to live with; my good friends have told me the reality of how I've been this last 1.5 yrs. I feel very bad about that, but I didn't know at the time and I didn't mean to be that way. It wasn't intentional. I know H was very hurt and I also believe he is depressed now too. He's said numerous times that "he has to move on", "he can't guarantee it won't happen again", "life's too short", all of it. H leaving was the violent wake up call I desperately needed. I think this would have been a much longer process if he hadn't left. I still get depressed, but now I know how to deal with it. Most people I know have been clear that they see a new me forming, and I feel like "me" again. Early in this process H & I sat down and I told him what I was learning in therapy and apologized for the things I realized I was doing. I asked if he could ever forgive me for it all. His response was along the lines of "If we split I don't have to". He's running from his own demons too and he needs to get help dealing with it.


I haven't told him this, but becoming depressed again is my biggest fear too. Although I'm doing well, I am very mindfull of slipping back. Depression runs in my family and I would have thought I could identify it - even in myself. The fact that it almost ate me alive without me realizing is scary. The good news is I have so many great coping mechanisms now and a better understanding of myself. That makes me hopeful that I can manage. Since this is not systematic depression but more situational depression that should be enough.



Now for the good part! I had a really really great weekend catching up with old friends. I haven't had that much fun in a really long time! Its nice to be able to do those things without worrying about what H thinks. He hated some of the choiced I made when I was younger and didn't want me to see that group of friends anymore. I realized this weekend that I can appreciate them for the happy times we shared without getting sucked back into the poor choices. We had alot of fun!


Sorry about the long post; but this is cathartic! It really is helping me to think through my situation when I'm answering questions.

Talia