robx, yes , of course you make perfect sense. sorry to ask the same questions ....I'm not a stupid guy, just stupid here. I don't really know why i am so afraid, but obviously i am. I do read and will get Tough Love and No More MR Nice Guy. Please know that i am drained from what's happening here. It's taking quite a toll. I am OPEN to suggestions on how to get strength or "balls" . Feel like going back to bed and crying into the pillow. I talk to my DB coach this week, hopefully we'll all get this going for me.THANKS for keeping me in you thoughts. rob668
* Act As If and Fake It Till You Make It. * Get A Life. * Work on 180's.
If you are religious, work on giving this burden up to God. Talk with someone at church.
Get an IC if you don't have one already.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
robx, yes , of course you make perfect sense. sorry to ask the same questions ....I'm not a stupid guy, just stupid here. I don't really know why i am so afraid, but obviously i am. I do read and will get Tough Love and No More MR Nice Guy. Please know that i am drained from what's happening here. It's taking quite a toll. I am OPEN to suggestions on how to get strength or "balls" . Feel like going back to bed and crying into the pillow. I talk to my DB coach this week, hopefully we'll all get this going for me.THANKS for keeping me in you thoughts. rob668
I was going to say you aren't stupid but you are definitely afraid and seriously at this point, you have to view it like this: you can't be afraid that you've lost her because you need to be honest with yourself, you have ALREADY lost her, now you need to start acknowledging that if you want to work from a position where you might be able to turn this around but that first involves acknowledging who are you right now, acknowledging all those scared pieces of you and just saying
"F!@#$%* IT! I'M NOT GOING TO LIVE SCARED ANYMORE!"
Does it feel good to live scared everyday? You said it yourself, you're drained, its taking a toll on your body, look at all this stress, it literally makes you go crazy.
So how do you stop that?
Well, you say to yourself that you aren't going to live scared anymore, you're going to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you because it's just not worth the pain that you're going through. You view it as her loss, not yours. You start enjoying your life because life is a precious thing to waste and you've allowed her along with yourself to waste your life and you're not going to allow that to happen anymore. You're going to start doing things that are fun even if it's uncomfortable at first because seriously you're not used to doing things for yourself, to make yourself happy and you have to get used to doing that if you want to reclaim those balls of yours: YOU'RE WORTH IT!
This crying business, if you need to do it, find a place, somewhere that she isn't around because you don't ever want her to hear or see you in that condition as it will just re-inforce the idea in her head that this was the right move on her part, and just cry as hard as you can, let it all out, if it takes you 5min. to an hour, I don't care, just let it all out because when you're done, YOU'RE DONE, NO MORE CRYING AFTER THAT, then take a shower, get dressed, go out somewhere, go to the gym and go do something. The gym is a basic requirement at this point, you need to start working out, sweating, resistance training, pushing & pulling heavy weights, get your body producing more testosterone in response to the weight training, aside from it's muscle building properties, it's going to make you feel more masculine, aggressive, assertive, and better about yourself: it will take a while but it will work and that will be your routine. This sadness you're dealing with, start tanning, every other day for 10-12min., get used to getting this exposure, pump up the vitamin D levels in your body, which will do wonders for the sad mood you're in, start eating clean, take some multi-vitamins, start clothes shopping & shoe shopping and spend some time looking around to see what you like, get a hair cut - seriously all the stuff I'm listing here will eat up your free time, you won't have enough time to do all of this and I guarantee you that you will feel better soon - there's no way you couldn't.
You would be wise to listen to Robx. That entire post should make it into your pocket in some form. When you start to feel sorry for yourself, pull it out and re-read it.
Invaluable advice.
Thanks Rob.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
sandi, woke up early just now...heard wife in other room!!! discusted and sickened..She's having phone sex!! with the guy from south america. I did suspect but Wished and thought it was not true. What ??to do now??? gonna take a xanax and breathe. DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW????? this is sickening!! HELP
OK Rob,
First time I'm posting to you. I'm in S. Am. and NO it wasn't me she was talking to.
You don't know what to do? How about starting off with this:
1) Cut off the phone line. 2) Cancel your Internet subscription at home.
Those ARE things you can do RIGHT NOW. You don't enable her anymore. Don't b1tch and whine and look for 1000 excuses why you cannot, just DO IT!
Robox has given you good advice, follow it. (Sorry Rob.. couldn't resist... saw that on another thread. Be glad they aren't calling you Botox.)
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
And, BTW, i've made NO R talk whatsoever, no sexual advances, nor tried to kiss etc....I am NOT showing desperation or neediness. I'm keeping up a good face, I think? , at least compared to the past..
Good. Continue to do this. Her rubbing all of this in your face and blatantly phone sexing some random dude in your own house IS disgusting. Totally unacceptable. So you are on the money with your sentiments.
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
You don't know what to do? How about starting off with this:
1) Cut off the phone line. 2) Cancel your Internet subscription at home.
GOOD morn kind friends ! thanks all SO MUCH for your support! It's so nice to know i have people in my corner who have "been there". PLEASE PLEASE keep up the advice. It's slowly sinking in ( I HOPE). Love and Grattitude!
UPDATE: i've been listening, reading and listening some more to all the great folks here. Also talking to a DB coach! Wife told a mutual Close friend (who Really cares for us both) that she Has strong feelings for this person in south america.BTW , she has NO intention of moving there AND he has NO Visa or means to come here. My limited knowledge is just that he's a 30 year old single guy with very limited means. ANYHOW, our mutual friend said wife also told her she loves me very much but wants to move out. She said she Knows she's hurting me and doesn't want to continue hurting me. The coach has suggested I really DO a 180 and SHOW my anger and disgust, slam the door, leave the house for a while ...etc. The DB Coach also thinks (knowing my sitch and personality) that if and when my wife brings up her moving out , I say "ok, there's the door" sort of thing and act as if i don't really care. THIS all seems doable but Very Hard!!
