Question

[awest1217]

H contacted me like I knew he would. He just said in a text "i miss you". I responded we miss you too because I really want to apply the golden rule, but since then nothing else, and I don't really expect there to be anything else until he misses us even more.

S is still sick. Now it is the other end so we were up every two hours last night with a rumbly, grumbly, sick tummy. However, I have put away paper work, put away a few odds and ends, and I am about to go to the mall and walk around. Then on to S's room to put away the clothes he can't fit. Still a productive day off.

[Lucky11too]

Wow, I'm actually surprised he contacted you in a friendly matter instead of just for business matters (ie. getting his mail, etc). Good that he still cares, but like you've been saying, he's hurt you too much with all his lies and false promises, so he's going to have to show true change before you are going to be able to open your heart back up to him I'm sure. I think it's good that you were kind back though. You didn't overdue it, but it was just a good way to kind of keep those doors open still.

Interesting dream you had the other night. I wonder if it's just one of those dreams or if it means something. And too bad you just couldn't kick out OW in real life, huh. =P

Oh, I wish I had today off. We are getting hit by a big storm right now, so this is the kind of day you just want to be home and cozy. Well, enjoy the rest of your day off! Hope S is feeling better too.

Oh, so what happened with the gathering at the inlaws? Did you end up going?

[awest1217]

Yeah I haven't said anything else to H. I just responded because I hate when I text him and he doesn't respond so I didn't want to do it back. He still hasn't said anything about getting the mail, but I am sure he isn't even worried about it. Once again he is extremely immature and doesn't think about these things. He just wants to have everyone do everything for him and when he does actually do something it is because he will get something in return. (which is why the money was strange for me and I am still waiting for what he wants). Maybe he is growing up?

The text might have also been a misplaced text to OW since I didn't get anything back after that, or since we had today off, he would have come over today and spent the day with S and I playing Wii, which if more fun than OW because I can at least be competition to H whereas she...well she is a "typical girl". So he probably did miss us, but not enough to come home or even ask to see us.

The inlaws were good. It is never awkward. MIL did ask if I had talked to H this past weekend and I could have right then said no and I haven't heard from him since school started, but instead I just said no because that was the right thing to do then. I am really doing better about just answering questions and not adding my two cents. YEAH ME! It was fun. I found out one of H's cousins is pregnant, first one, and the first grandchild for his aunt and uncle so they are all excited. H's girl cousins and I talked about pregnancy. I helped to clean up, but S was not eating again which led to a long night again last night, but overall it was great and pleasant. Like you, Lucky, I want S to have a good relationship with all of his grandparents and his extended families. I will foster that the best I can. IF it goes to D, I will start to bow out more because it would be weird if H brings his new family and I start dating (no time soon), but for now I go along and keep things open and fun so everyone can enjoy S.

With H, I think honestly, he wants to come home, but he knows what that means, and he won't give up OW so he just continually chooses her over us. Too bad and his loss.

Otherwise an AWESOME DAY! I got so much done and got some really good deals on clothes. I even bought myself my first new purse since probably high school. It was just a great day and I am looking to many more! The best part is I only spend $6 because the rest was gift cards, and tonight off to a Tastefully Simple party with the girls, S is coming too to play with the little boys, then tomorrow back to work, but it is only a 4 day week. Good things are coming and coming so I am just going to keep looking at how awesome I and my life are becoming and not worry about anything else.

[Kemper]

You are really strong awest1217. I would have a hard time not adding my $0.02 but you did a great job by just answering the question and moving on.

Glad to also hear that you are allowing the extended family to spend time with son. I look at that as taking the high road as you could easily say no giving the situation and potential awkardwardness but you are doing the right thing IMHO.

Glad to hear that you had a great day. I wish you the best.

[awest1217]

MIL called tonight to check on S since he is still not completely back to normal. Then she asked if I had heard from H at all. I said no, and she asked what was going on. I then asked if she really wanted to know what was going on. She said yes so I told her the short version of everything. Those of you who have read my sitch know that my inlaws have met OW so I could use her name. I told her that OW was staying at the house at least once a week. She said they could still be just friends, but I said that it is still inappropriate no matter what (big for me to stand up for myself). I said how H hadn't paid anythign until October. How we haven't talked since school started and how he hasn't even tried to see S. She said she is concerned and I shared in that. She said that she wouldn't let H know I told her, but I said I am past H getting mad at me. He needs some help so if he gets mad oh well. I said my FIL should talk to H, but he has always said that H should make his own decisions and they should stay out. I agree, but H is past making a decision. He needs some psychological help. MIL said she is glad to hear everything because H never talks to them either. I said that I am at the point where I know D is probably coming, but H needs help and that is more of what I am concerned about.

It stayed very factual, and just let MIL know exactly what is happening. She still said let them know if I need anything so that was good. We will see what happens. She still does not want to believe that H is at fault, but she at least admits that H needs help so that is the best thing ever. She is mostly concerned because it is not like H to not try to see S at all. She believes me more and more that I am not keeping H from S because of the way I have acted, like Kemper said above, and how H is acting so more and more I am believing that I am doing the right thing not only for the situation, but also for myself and S.

I am feeling stronger and stronger every day and happier and happier. It is nice!

[awest1217]

H text me last night and this morning. Last night "sleep well. i am thinking about you." and this morning "just wanted to say hi. hope you have a good day". I haven't responded to either text because I am not going to allow him to just go back to how things have been the past 9+ months. We are coming up on the anniversary of OW becoming an issue in three weeks and the anniversary of him first moving out the end of March (he didn't officially move out until end of April, but March is when he would be home for a few days and gone for the rest staying with OW at her house when her husband was gone). I am done with him having fun, but not committing. I feel bad, but this is the first time in this whole thing where I am actually mad at him, and I have come to the realization that my life is better without dealing with his drama. I want him to come back and things to work out, but it is now time for him to show me he has changed and make the change. He said for the last few months he doesn't want a divorce so now he needs to start acting that way.

I will see if he takes the next step and calls. Should I answer if he does or ignore him like he did to me? I think if I do talk to him he will try to talk like the last two and a half weeks did not happen and I don't think I can handle that. I would go straight for, what are you going to do to make this different. I don't want this to be just because he misses me, but because he really is ready to make us work.

[Lucky11too]

All I can say, is you go girl! Haha. You are a very strong and inspiring woman! A lot of interesting things going on with H. I think it’s wise to do something a little different this time. You tried the open, loving, caring way last time and it backfired in your face, so maybe this tough love you are giving him is the was to go. He has a lot of growing up to do and needs to figure out what his priorities are going to be. But like you said, you don’t need to be in the middle of this drama while he “tries” to figure it all out. But the most important thing in all this is that you (and you are S) are finding happiness again!

Regarding talking to him on the phone, if you think you can keep it focused and maybe just stick to business (like letting him know what’s going on with S [he’s the “ex”, right]) then keeping the conversation open isn’t a bad idea. Or you could try talking to him and if he starts going a direction you don’t like or don’t want to go right now, just push an end to the call (S needs you or whatever). But if you aren’t ready and it’s most likely going to get tense with your anger coming thru or end in another argument, then you might want to avoid it for now. If you go that route and you really don’t feel comfortable ignoring him (the golden rule), maybe you could just send him a text to let him know you are still dealing with everything and not ready to talk to him yet.

[awest1217]

Thanks Lucky! I think I will take the phone call, if he were to call, but keep it short, but polite, and to the point. I hate when he ignores me so I don't want to ignore him. I would do the same with anyone. I don't like to be rude to anyone. If someone calls or texts me, I try to make sure I reply if I need to. I just think it is rude to ignore people. H did that all the time even when things were good to other people, ignore them because he didn't want to talk to them.

We'll see what happens. No calls from S's daycare so he made it through the day without any sickness, hopefully it is over...now just to make sure I don't get it.

[awest1217]

H never called or even text me tonight. What bugs me is how he can get under my skin just by texting me a few times! I know detach and not let it bug me, but he knows just what to do to make me feel like things might be moving in a positive direction just to pull it out. Of course I knew this would happen because all the texts were vague, and weren't connecting at all.

I just feel like at some point our positions are going to flip. I am the type of person that once I get my mind set on something that I go through with it and just suffer the consequences because I always think things through a ton. I am more and more feeling like why am I bothering. Why do I even care anymore? I mean for 10 years I have dealt with competing with OW for H's affection, then he moved out to live with this OW (and her husband) so why keep holding out? I am really happy without H and if I could just live the rest of my life like the last two weeks (no contact at all with H) and just find someone else who will treat me right and really love me and S then why not? I know right now I am sounding like the other side, but I really don't have much to hold on to, and every time H does something like text me vague messages just to keep control, it ultimately pushes me farther away.

I don't know. I just wish he would make up his mind so I could just move on. Right now I am waiting because of money and because I really think H has a mental problem and needs some help. Other people that know him are just now realizing there is a problem and starting to try to help him since he won't let me. I want him to be happy and healthy so I guess I still love him. I am just so mad and as I said in other posts this is the first time in this whole separation where I am really mad and not trying to just excuse H's actions. I disapprove majorly with what he is doing and am mad that he is still putting me through this. Even his mom last night said her and my FIL told him they support him completely when this all started, but she thought he would need a few months and either start to work on things with me or divorce, but she even says the limbo is not fair. (she is one to never say her boys are wrong).

Just a weird feeling night; a little dip in the roller coaster, which is not being helped by feeling sick and being exhausted from S being sick, which he still is not 100%.

I just hope H does not text me at 10 tonight like he did last night because I could just text back an angry message because I am tired. Yes, I need to keep my phone on because that is what my school calls to let me know if there is a cancelation or delay, which in IN this time of year is important.

[awest1217]

Having a really bad day today. I am not really sure why. I am just crying for no reason I think. I don't know.

Last night H did text me at 10 pm and I had been asleep for probably an hour so that woke me up and then I can't get back to sleep and I have weird dreams about him and OW, which disturb my sleep. He said "good night, sleep well." Once again vague. I have about had it with the vague texts so I sent back "may I ask what is going on?" he said "just saying good night, im going to bed. sorry for bothering you.". Me "you aren't bothering me. I am just trying to understand what is going on. Good night to you too."

Of course now I got nothing today, but I just don't understand. Can anyone who has been there explain to me? I mean he is texting me, but never asks any questions just says hi or good night and that is it. Nothing to really make a connection or ask how we are doing or anything. I don't know if he is just doing it to drive me crazy, because he really does miss me, because he just wants to be able to say that he sent them, I just don't know. What does he want? If I don't text him, I feel like I am being mean, but his texts don't really need a response because they aren't asking anything. I just don't get it.

I also am not feeling well at all. My stomach is just nautious and I am tired, but that is about it. I am at work because I don't have a fever or throwing up. I just feel icky.

On a good note, one of the students who was driving me nuts, has the last two days has come to me to say sorry for acting horrible the first part of the trimester and said how he really likes me and I am his favorite teacher. IT was really nice and makes me feel good. I feel like for once I have made a difference. Now I am crying again. I don't know what is going on, but hopefully I can get it together soon.