OW broke up with XH, now what??

[Augtan]

I still haven't even spoken to XH even about our D10! I don't know why the last few days have been worse, I was doing so great! I think it is because I now know that he is single again. Also, because D10 said he was crying on the phone. I have fought the urge to call him and everytime I think of all the things I would love to say to him, I make myself think of something else.

I don't want to say "I told you so" in my heart, but my mind wants to let him have it. He truly believed that a woman who didn't even love her own son enough to get joint custody, loved him!! It just makes me sick he threw us away like pieces of garbage for a woman like that, that he knew in advance was sooo awful and selfish. I don't know how if he did ever want to come back that I can put all the awful things he has done to me and our kids completely behind us. How do you force yourself not to think about all the times he spent with OW, all the sex he had with OW, all the trips he went on with OW, how he completely tore not just my life, but our kids lives apart for that woman?

I really try to tell myself it is about forgiveness and I have been working hard on that, but have no idea how to compeltely get past all he has done, it just amounts to soooo much pain and horror! And, I ask myself why I would want a person like that back in my life just to have him do it again in 10 yrs. when I am 10 yrs. older! He is textbook MLC and I do believe in it, but how do you just forget the choices he made as a 40 yr. old man? It is still just so painful to think he threw it all away for nothing now that OW is gone, even though I prayed and prayed for OW to get out of his life. How much more confused can I get? I am back and forth, up and down, and I live far away, can't imagine what it would be like if I still lived there!

A