I have been absent from this board for awhile. My XH lives 700 miles away and it is very difficult to really do anything from this far away, except get on with my life. So, I have been doing that and doing well at it. Kids are doing better, things are more stable.
Kids went down there over x-mas break, things went pretty good. We lost our house down there to "short sale" cause XH just let it go along with everything and everyone else but OW. He is in IC and I have heard bits and pieces of that from others he shares with that also talk to me. IC told him if he didn't give up OW he would never have a real relationship with his kids. I guess he decided that for the week he was spending with them (he only sees them a few weeks a year)that he would have it be just them and not bring her around. They have never been around her except the one time he forced it over the summer and it was a disaster. They freaked out and she ended up leaving. Anyway, I guess she was upset he was now putting his kids before her for a whole week, so a few days later she broke up with him saying she didn't want to be second to his kids!! To think this woman has her own kid..whom she gave up full custody of to move closer to my married husband 3 years ago.
So, she is exactly what I knew she was, and now XH knows it too. In a matter of a few days he saw his kids leave again, lost our house of 10 yrs., turned 43, and OW dumped him. I have not led on that I know she broke up with him, and I will never say a word. If he tells me I plan to just say "oh". He expects me to throw it all in his face and say "I told you so" and I won't do it!
I guess my question is how do I now try to become his friend and do it from 700 miles away? I don't know what I want, I really don't think he is at all thinking about reconciling with me. He has never, ever been alone..went from HS GF to me to OW. I am just giving him his space right now, waiting to see what happens, if he at all reaches out to me. I invited him up here this weekend for the long weekend, asked him to go tubing with us in the snow. He thanked me but said he had to work and ref basketball. I know he is back partying with his friends who act like they are still in college, so maybe that is just how he wants to live his life. I just have no idea where he is in his own head.
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I agree, you have to leave him completely alone, alone with his thoughts and all the damage.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Thanks so much everyone, you are all sooo right! I am leaving him alone, gone dark yet again. But, how long? Until he responds and makes the first move?
I know that he is blaming me for the break up, at least I assume it. He blames me for everything else! Should I just periodicly do friend type stuff? Our daughter broke her arm last night, went by squad to the ER (D17 was with her), I didn't even speak to him about it, she talked to him. If that isn't dark, I don't know what is! D10 said he was crying when she talked to him earlier today. Who knows what is going on with him, I guess at this time I am not going to be the one he turns to. I understand why, he doesn't trust me, afraid I will say "told you so". I think once he realizes I am not going to react like that, things might change a little, not holding my breath!
Any thoughts are so helpful!
Last edited by Augtan; 01/17/1003:38 AM.
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
Thanks so much everyone, you are all sooo right! I am leaving him alone, gone dark yet again. But, how long? Until he responds and makes the first move?
Good job not contacting him. Keep living your life. If he wants to pursue a relationship with you, you will know.
Quote:
I know that he is blaming me for the break up, at least I assume it. He blames me for everything else!
Careful. You shouldn't assume anything. It can and will influence your actions and decisions.
I still haven't even spoken to XH even about our D10! I don't know why the last few days have been worse, I was doing so great! I think it is because I now know that he is single again. Also, because D10 said he was crying on the phone. I have fought the urge to call him and everytime I think of all the things I would love to say to him, I make myself think of something else.
I don't want to say "I told you so" in my heart, but my mind wants to let him have it. He truly believed that a woman who didn't even love her own son enough to get joint custody, loved him!! It just makes me sick he threw us away like pieces of garbage for a woman like that, that he knew in advance was sooo awful and selfish. I don't know how if he did ever want to come back that I can put all the awful things he has done to me and our kids completely behind us. How do you force yourself not to think about all the times he spent with OW, all the sex he had with OW, all the trips he went on with OW, how he completely tore not just my life, but our kids lives apart for that woman?
I really try to tell myself it is about forgiveness and I have been working hard on that, but have no idea how to compeltely get past all he has done, it just amounts to soooo much pain and horror! And, I ask myself why I would want a person like that back in my life just to have him do it again in 10 yrs. when I am 10 yrs. older! He is textbook MLC and I do believe in it, but how do you just forget the choices he made as a 40 yr. old man? It is still just so painful to think he threw it all away for nothing now that OW is gone, even though I prayed and prayed for OW to get out of his life. How much more confused can I get? I am back and forth, up and down, and I live far away, can't imagine what it would be like if I still lived there!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
A, It all takes time and right now, you need to focus on you and your children. As far as your h goes, he needs to complete his journey.
Yes, he most likely was crying on the phone. He was crying because he had a moment of clarity and realized what he had done to his family. Will that moment of clarity be enough to bring him around more? I don't think so. He's got a long ways to go and he really needs to hit bottom in order to better understand what he has lost along the way and he will need to prove himself and recommit to you and the family before I would even consider him returning full time to the relationship.
Forgiveness will come...you just aren't there yet.....I would continue the NC for a while longer. At some point, you will need to discuss your family, etc. w/him...but no relationship talks. Keep the conversation on your children, i.e., no ow discussions, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
