rr22 - I don't think when he's in that agitated state he knows if it's his mood or me upsetting him. That's where communication is starting to come back in. I'd like to know!
For months, when I was where you are, I thought it was me and I did handstands to try to please him. I'd think, "H is mad, and I want to show him my changes so I better work on what he is complaining about." But it was never enough and always something new.
Eventually, my friend said, "H is just mad right now. Don't hang out with him. He needs to feel his own feelings. H wants to be separated because he is so mad now. So let him. Give him enough rope to hang himself. It won't last forever." She was so right.
H could say those complaints in a calmer tone, its' the angry energy of venting that makes it so painful. So, yeah, I think it's more their mood than they'd like us to think.
he cant stand to: be in the house with me, in the car, do anything...turns into an arguement...
what the heck do i do but walk away? could bop him a good one...
he starts all this and then is more aggrivated when i walk out?? isnt that what he has done all along? he doesnt even make sense and the arguments are over stuff like what kind of boots the girls are wearing???
wtf???
Wow, I wish I had known you when my H DID THE SAME THING! I thought I was going crazy. H said he could not stand to be in the same house withe me at all. Even if I was quietly on the other side of the house behind a closed door reading, THIS WAS DISTRACTING TO HIM AND HE COULDN'T CONCENTRATE. H literally would email me from another part of the house instead of talk to me. H would sometimes barge in my room screaming at me and then say me being in the house was causing fights? CRAZY!
It's different now. H simply goes and does his thing and I do mine. We come back together to chat or watch tv. It's no big romance but a far cry from me hiding in the back room thinking my breathing was annoying H! lol
Mood swings are the norm for a person in crisis. One minute they are up and the next they are all over the place. It's not about you, but how they are feeling. If you could get inside their heads, you would see that nothing is in its proper place, i.e., everything is a mess. They are hormonal, they are emotionally fragile and everything sucks in their world.
It doesn't matter what the situation is, if he's having the mood swings, he'll come out swinging and won't care what he says or does. They have no control over them because it's all about his emotional mind set at that time. They are like two year olds you haven't learned out to deal w/life in a normal manner.
The best thing you can do is either avoid him, switch the conversation up so that he has to stop and think about what you just said or listen to his venting and provide no comment. The more you try to defend youself when he's like this, the worse he'll be.
I'm sorry you've had to be a witness to this behavior, but it will eventually die down as he moves through the crisis. Please do not take what he says personally. He's a time bomb right now, ticking away, and trust me, he will explode around others as time goes on because he will not be able to control the anger. This type of behavior sets him up for the next stages that he will be experiencing while angry.
Step back and allow him to shadow box w/himself in the ring. You do not want to be his sparring partner when he's like this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You don't know...he may have already lashed out at his co-workers. As for his new found friends, I don't see it happening. He wants to project a new and improved him w/them.
He's a totally different person w/his new friends...it's simply amazing at how they can turn it on and off. He will slip up and lash out at work.....at some point, they can't hold it back, especially if he doesn't have you as his punching bag.
"Snodderly"
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am hoping by now that you have read the resources threads.
Also I started reading some links on page 7 of "upsides" thread. "Why they run away" It is great insight by snodderly from about 8 years ago. It will help you understand what is going on. And why your husband thinks you are his "mommy". And he has issues with his mother/father(so he takes it out on you).
