WAW Using God

[MrBond]

Don't do it. Tell her you're busy or something. Let her know that you have more important things to do than her waffling back and forth. After the second time of putting her off, then talk to her.

You have to build that need within her. It could very well be a false start.

[pigskin]

Update:

We had the conversation and it was pretty much what I expected, although I had hoped she had some breakthrough in her feelings.

The entire conversation was completely civil, low key, no arguing whatsoever. So it was a good, productive talk, although it did not get us any closer to what I am fighting for. At least in concrete terms, but may have given her more to think about.

She basically explained her IC challenged her to tell me her current feelings and not string me along, which the IC felt she was doing.

Her feelings are pretty much what they have been: she does not see us as a couple, does not feel she can ever feel that way again. And that she does not feel motivated to work on the relationship. She said she has not been in contact with the OM other than what I already know about. I believe her.

We talked for over 2 hours, discussing a lot of what we had discussed over the last 8 months. She has a lot of guilt over the effect her position will have on me and the family. She really wants to believe everything will be fine if we divorced. But the guilt she has has kept her from moving forward with divorce.

She wants to believe God will forgive her for her decision; that's the message she seems to get from her new found faith in God.

She said she actually likes the current separation; it has given her the chance to "be herself again".

I told her again I will continue to fight for our marriage and family. But I don't want a wife who is with me because she has been coerced by me, her friends, the church, or society's general belief that divorce is not a good thing.

I don't know what to do at this point other than what I have been doing to take care of myself and my kids. It just doesn't look good for us right now. It's been 9 months since the bomb and her feelings have not changed.

I told her how strange it is to me that my perception of couples nearing divorce fighting, not being able to stand the sight of one another, and just general dislike of one another doesn't fit the way we are interacting right now. That's where my frustration lies. I feel we could be so close and have a great chance at piecing things back together if she could only find some hope.

I really need a miracle. God reaching her in some unexpected way. That's what I'm going to pray for. We've made tremendous progress in the area of communication. But no progress at all on her heart. And without that, we have no hope.

[pigskin]

Today over the phone W said she has a lot to think about from yesterday's converstation, and that she has a lot of inner conflict. So much so that she had to take anxiety medication.

I was feeling pretty down last night, mostly thinking that I was up against a brick wall and nothing I do is going to matter. And thinking about what divorce would do to our lives and our children.

I said some prayers and that helped. It's just not productive to dwell on the negative and worry about the future. I have to take one day at a time.

But hearing W say she's thinking about our discussion and facing inner conflict actually is encouraging.

[pigskin]

W called yesterday. I said "hello"? She said "Hi". I said "What's up?" She said "Nothing. That's all. Just called to say hi."

What the? I don't get it sometimes. Maybe anytime...

[pigskin]

Journaling:

The waiting game continues.

We're finishing two whole months of separation, although December had us together a lot for the holidays, so really it has only been a month.

I've adapted to it quite well. The kids are with me most of the time, and I no longer look at it as being a lot of extra work as a "single parent". It's just my life now, and it is very manageable. I don't find myself thinking about her much, other than a caring concern for her health and welfare. I am actually feeling pretty normal; content and happy like I always was before all of this. And I know that if she somehow came back and was her loving self again, I would easily rekindle all of the feelings I had for her.

I sometimes think my wife has trouble dealing with the kids by herself, or maybe that it was a strain on her even when we were together. Yesterday she made the comment "I don't know how daddy handles it during the week" when the kids were being difficult as she was preparing to take them to her apartment. Granted she has a lot of physical problems likely due to stress that creates an added strain, so handling 3 kids can be understandably tough when you are not feeling well.

I wish she would come to her senses about the insanity of it all and come back home, but honestly it would not be pleasant in her current state.

I have no idea if she is still in contact with the OM; I'm guessing she probably is, just because I don't want to be naive. But that would have to cease completely for me to accept her back in the home.

I don't see her filing for divorce, just because I think it would be too much for her right now. Plus I don't think she wants to accept that responsibility.

So like I said, the waiting game continues. I am prepared for it to be a long time, and don't have any expectations or time frames at all. At some point though I imagine I will feel we have to make a call on this and move forward with whatever is going to be. Hard to reconcile that with being adamant on saving the marriage and family and having full faith in God. I'm guessing that in time He will direct me on what needs to be done. I don't yet feel as though I'm beating my head against a brick wall, although I admit at times it seems like it.

Today we took the kids to a charity event and she had one of them ask if I'd like to have lunch with them, and I accepted. It was a pleasant experience, just being a normal family.

[pigskin]

W continues to run hot and cold. Yesterday she was irritable with me. Today she was happy. After she dropped some things off at the house and was heading out the door, I jokingly said to her "Aren't you forgetting something?"

She said "what?" and I pointed to my cheek. To my surprise she actually smiled, came over and gave me a kiss.

I laughed and said "Wow, you actually did it. I expected you to just laugh it off."

I don't think that counts as a backslide; I was just keeping things light.

[MrBond]

It showed you were being needy. If she didn't come to you, she doesn't want it. Let me put it to you this way, do you think the OM would have to point to his cheek to get her to come and kiss him?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good point, Stuck.

Puppy

[pigskin]

It showed you were being needy. If she didn't come to you, she doesn't want it. Let me put it to you this way, do you think the OM would have to point to his cheek to get her to come and kiss him?

Yeah, you're right. I probably should not have done it.

Although I did it as a total joke; I really didn't want her to kiss me. I actually wanted her to just laugh it off so I could laugh right back at her to show I didn't care.

[pigskin]

I get a kick out of how my W "pings" me when its been a while since we've communicated. The only time I ever contact her is for business with the household/kids. I never call/email/text/IM for any other reason.

Today she saw my username online and sent a "hi" via instant messenger. She does this every so often. Or she calls to tell me about something she saw on TV; random stuff like that.

I'm polite and all, but I'm thinking "What do you want? If you don't want to be with me why do you contact me?"

I really think I may be finally detached. Oh I still get irritated when something reminds me of her being with the OM (even though I have no proof that she has since our separation started, and only assume there's been contact), but that is my own fault for even letting that come to mind.

I feel no need to communicate with her, say hi, find out what she did that day, whatever.