New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Thanks, Michelle.

It's always great to have feeback that affirms you positively. I have to say I need that sometimes. It's like receiving a breath of fresh air now and then to keep you alive.

Sometimes, when I feel I'm knee deep in all the heavy and serious side of the R, D threats, DBing ups and downs, I fail to see the goodness that I have accomplished. I know I have done well somehow.

JR

[JR09]

I know Valentine's Day is coming up. I didn't give my W a Christmas present, and I thought about NOT giving a Valentine's card or present to my W either. Is that too harsh or do I need to at least send a "neutral" card?

DBing advocates NOT giving any type of gifts when you are in the LRT mode. So that's what I am going by.

Insight anyone?

JR

[MichelleLT]

Are you sending things for the kids? If so, a gift/card might be appropriate. Speaking from a woman's perspective, chocolate is always good lol.

DBing is about doing what works. Pursuing and R talks are taboo because they pretty much never work. Being romantic or making a gesture which shows the door is still open CAN work. Doing nice things with no expectations is okay (especially in your situation where you aren't dealing with an OM).

If you do decide to send a card, you have to do it with no expectations. Do it because you want to, not because you are hoping for some instant change of heart. And send something that is appropriate to the R you currently have - separated parents.

What will happen if you don't? She will either notice that you didn't and feel hurt (either for herself or because you got stuff for the kids and she was left out), or notice and not be hurt because after being S so long she doesn't expect things from you. She might not notice, although I doubt that. If you do, she will possibly feel pressured (although it definitely is less pressure when it comes with stuff for the kids too, plus there is no response required), or might really like it.

[healthydad]

I agree with Michelle- just be very careful - since saying too much could easily be seen as pursuing - and could push her away more than you might think. It's a tough position to be in - though I think if you send something for the kids it just makes sense to include something small for her as well...even just to let her know that you respect her. Just make sure you don't send anything romantic - or anything that would put pressure on her for a response or an emotion that she's not ready to share/feel/receive/etc.

I'm glad that you're looking more into detachment - it's vital - and will help you in some profound ways.

-Carlos.

[loveherstill]

Michelle lt, could you take a look at my sitch please?

[JR09]

Called my boys this evening to remain consistent with my calling schedule. They are doing good. My S10 is very sensitive about me not being there. He had a blast when we were together for Christmas. But when he's on the phone, he doesn't say much. I think he tries to not show his sadness, especially when my W is in the same room, next to him. Children always pay the price for the parents' mistakes. Always taken in hostage. I hate it.

Got to chat briefly with W as well. I did my best to sound as if I was just checking on a friend. It kinda worked. My W asked a couple of questions about my family, even about my health. We talked about the boys, her school, health. It was brief, but the tone was friendly on my W's side. I ended the conversation first.

Any contact, as brief as they are give an opportunity to showcase the new me. I was very satisfied with our contact. W never brought up R, D, or S. And she had plenty of time to do so. This was a good contact. One day at a time. I think I am getting stronger with each encounter. I sound confident, friendly, caring. But I don't hang on to the conversation. Is that a sign of good detaching and strenght?

JR09

[MichelleLT]

It is a sign that you are at least acting as if you are detached! And that definitely takes strength.

I think the best summary of detachment is knowing you will be okay. Knowing that no matter what happens with the M, you will be just fine. When you know that in your gut, the little stuff doesn't matter anymore.

It's a great start! It sounds like you are getting a handle on things.

Keep moving forward, one day at a time.

[JR09]

Journaling.

Today marks 19 months since my W left. Long time for me. I felt so-so all day long. I couldn't help but feeling a bit sad today. I've done OK so far. I didn't do so well today. Trying to keep it together at work, at home, on the phone with the boys.

I figure now is NOT the time to give up and stop DBing. I've given already so much. And there is probably more to give, to endure, to be patient about. Now is not the time to throw all my gains away. Tough though. Tough. The mental part of it is the toughest. I didn't know I could endure so much emotionally and mentally after 19 months. But I did.

I guess it's OK to feel a bit down today. I'm sure it happens to everybody on this board at one time or another...Tomorrow is another day to get up and do better. Like this other DBer says: Every day is another chance to get it right...

I'll do better tomorrow.

JR09

[JR09]

Better outlook this morning.

Gotta get back on that saddle and keep moving. Many DB experts on this board keep reemphasizing the point that there really is no point in trying to figure out what the WAS thinks or may do. The key is to refocus my attention on what I DO to regain my mental, emotional, and physical balance.

Strange how when my W left, it really tore me apart. It took time to rebuild the new me, but I found out it IS possible to do it, step by step, with a lot of faith, willpower, and a change in attitude. I don't know about other posters here, but I needed to cast away all the bitterness, anger, resentment, even hate, that I harbored after my W left. It can really destroy you if you don't get a handle on it.

Carlos said it correctly: "Wasted Energy". How true that is. It took me a long time to stop wasting energy on why, where, when, what about my W. Maybe I still do it on occasion, but I have learned to rebound quickly to a better mental and emotional place. Anyway. My 2 cents this morning.

JR09

[MichelleLT]

Yeah, anniversaries of stuff suck. I notice I get a little down around the dates I found out about the PA, the date we S, my birthday (he did jack-$h!t for it), Christmas (he took OW around Europe, plus I just miss having my extended family around). But the rest of the time, it's easier.

You are getting there.

Hang in there.