Hopeless feelings

[MHL]

Hey mb28,
Sorry I have not checked in sooner.

First. How are YOU doing, taking care of yourself should be priority one. YOU have to be strong for your children. YOU are their ROCK, so make sure you are giving yourself time to work on YOU.

Second. I don't know if you have the finances for an initial consultation but you need to talk to a Lawyer about this house selling thing. This really bothers me for a couple of reasons, it is emotionally disturbing to the kids. Second, I don't think he can force you to sell the house, it may be time for some tough love, I mean setting some boundries. I know you want to save your M but when it comes to your kid's home and well being, they have to come first. If you can not afford a L, then call another realtor and ask them, they may not be able to leagally list the home without both you and your H's consent. You need to find this out tomorrow ASAP. There are plenty of Realtors out there working on Sundays so find a smart one and ask. You do not want to find this out while you are sitting down with your H and a realtor.

Third I am glad he called. It is a positive sign. Just like before write it down but that is it, you are not taking any actions until he says he wants to work on the R. Keep validating his feelings and let him do the talking, if he wants to talk about the selling the house I would just listen but offer no opinions one way or the other until you have more info.

Stay strong, remember this is a marathon not a sprint. It will get better and you WILL SUCCEED!!!

[mb28]

Missherlove,
I’m doing ok, today has been hard I haven’t even wanted to get out of bed. However, I’ve gotten a lot of reading done.

H is coming over tomorrow so we can go over the money and see if we can budget enough to allow him to get his own place for a while. If we figure that it is possible, then I’m going to tell him I’ve changed my mind about selling the house, for the kid’s sake. I will tell him I think it’s too soon to be making such drastic steps that will negatively affect the kids and us. I don’t think he will like this, so I’m not sure how to act if he reacts negatively to this suggestion.

[mandksdad]

Hi, mb,

I haven't posted in a few years, but your situation really touches home for me. My parents were having a rough time when I was little. My mom had her problems but she absolutely dug in her heels about selling the house. As a result she was able to live there the rest of her life. I shudder to think what would have happened to my brothers and me if we had been forced to abandon our, admittedly modest, home.
If you are a student then you are especially vulnerable to the kind of economic turmoil that would certainly result from a sudden sale of your home in this market. You have every right to make your husband understand that you need to stay put for now. If he wants to find an apartment, let him pay for it.

[flowmom]

mb28, it was your H's decision to move out. It's his job to figure out how to pay for a second residence, not yours. You shouldn't be figuring out a budget for him, the onus should be on him to demonstrate that taking a second residence is a reasonable option right now. He has the choice to move back into your family home, right? Ask yourself what's right for your children and keep bringing any conversations about decision-making, assets, etc. back to what's right for the children. That responsibility will never go away no matter what happens to your marriage.

I know this is a tricky issue. My H is spending $850/mo on an apartment that we totally can't afford. But my children are not going to lose their home because he "needs space". That may happen down the road but I'll do everything in my power to maintain a stable base for them.

[MHL]

mb28,
I know you are probably talking to your H right now, prayers going up for you, and your family right now. ((((mb28)))) Let us know how things go tonight. Remember look for the positives, they are there, we just overlook them most of the time.

[mb28]

I felt like the conversation went well tonight with my H. We went over some budget ideas to see if we could afford for him to rent an apartment. However, we are going to wait and see what the realtor says tomorrow about the house before we make any decisions. All though I don’t want to go through the stress of trying to sell the house right now, I agree with H about putting it on the market. It’s a big house, and it’s not something I want to have to take care of and try to afford on my own. If my marriage does end, I think the kids and I would be much happier in a smaller house or condo. This would give me more time and money to be able to do stuff with my kids. This house has our money stretched to the max as it is now.

The conversation did turn to R/M talk but I stayed strong and non-emotional. I told him that I cared for him, and wanted him to be happy. That I respected and trusted him to make the right decision for himself, even if that decision ends up to not stay married to me. I told him that I would like to try to make the marriage work. However, that I can’t control how he feels or what he decides. In addition, that I will be fine either way.

He did a lot of the same old talk on how he’s been hurt and he doesn’t think I really love him and haven’t for 4 years. He tells me he starts to think maybe he can come back and then I do something that makes him mad (snooping or whatever else he thinks I do). He explained that he just doesn’t see it ever working out. I just did a lot of validating and telling him these were his choices and it was out of my control.

I’m really going to try to focus on myself for now, and only surround myself with positive people. Really, start trying to work on GAL.

Thank you for all the replies and advice about this conversation.

[MHL]

Wow,
Sounds like you did a great job and you also handled the R talk very well also. You sound so much better in your post.

The conversation did turn to R/M talk but I stayed strong and non-emotional. I told him that I cared for him, and wanted him to be happy. That I respected and trusted him to make the right decision for himself, even if that decision ends up to not stay married to me. I told him that I would like to try to make the marriage work. However, that I can’t control how he feels or what he decides. In addition, that I will be fine either way.

This is good you were able to state what you wanted and also that you are going to be fine no matter what he decides to do.

Now it is time to follow through on "I will be fine either way". I am there with you on that one, trying to do the same in my sitch.

DBing is really more about YOU than it is about your wayward spouse, at somepoint we all come to realize that. Your doing great!!!

[mb28]

H & Realtor just left. Selling the house is not an option in the market; we would end up owning too much money. H was not happy and started asking about foreclosure. I got very stern and told him that both of us have worked too hard to have excellent credit, and that would not only ruin our life, it would affect the kids as well. I really don’t think he will let the house go like that, if he does, I will say that he has gone insane and really has been taken over by an alien.

Again R talk was brought up, I validated and told him I cared for him and wanted him to be happy. I said I was sorry the house thing didn’t turn out, as he wanted. He keeps telling me that I don’t care for him or love him. I am so sick of him saying this to me, so I finally let it out in the nicest way possible. I told him I didn’t appreciate him telling me how I feel, and that I know what I’m feeling not him. I told him I have no control over how you feel or what you do and he has no control over my feelings. He said that I will never change, and that I’m still trying to control him. I validated that, and told him that I am working on that for myself, and not for him. He finally said enough, and left.

I know this isn’t avoiding R talk, as I’m supposed to. Nevertheless, I had enough of him trying to tell me how I feel. I was having very bad anxiety before the realtor got here, so my emotions were there. Either way, I feel good about saying what I said. I’m sick of him making me feel like I have to walk on eggshells when he is around and that I have to watch my every word. I still plan to get back on track with 180 & LRT and really take charge of the NO R talk for a while. I keep failing at that area.

[mb28]

Things have gone from bad to worse. H is so upset about us being upside down in the house that today he called a lawyer about filing bankruptcy. After several phone conversations/arguments with him today, he has told me that with certainty he is done and wants a D as soon as possible.

I’m so upset, and can’t even function right now. All my friends tell me it’s time for me to go talk to a lawyer. It appears my DB’ing has not worked )-:

[motherof3]

DBing take a long time. Patience. It sounds like your H is just reacting to the news he wasn't expecting. Things just aren't going his way and he is p!ssed.

It won't hurt to speak with a lawyer or two or three. You should be able to get an 1 hour consult for free. You need to know what your legal rights are especially if H wants to file for bankruptcy.

Stay strong.

Mo3