Flushing the toxins from my life

[Awoken]

(((CC)))

and I'm finding myself fighting the urge to take care of her again.

This is where you remind yourself that the only one that can take care of her problems is herself.

I imagine you are also pulled by the desire for S7 to have a regular, healthy mom in his life. My two children (D17,Salmost14) are older, and now I am looking back at some of the choices I've made in "protecting" my W, taking care of her, and how it was not in the best interest of my kids. My daughter didn't really start to notice my W's unusual behavior until she was 12, and the same with son. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it was easy for me to focus on the calm, rational, happy periods with my W, and discount the harm of the opposite times.

Occasionally, when my W would be at her worst and I would be at my most tired, we would have a bad fight. During these times, I would question why I was married. But then, when W would get calm, and speak nice to me again, I would be so relieved, so hopeful, that I would reinvest myself (and my kids). Understand, I'm not talking about my W apologizing and seeking to work things out, but rather just becoming nice/loving towards me. If she had actually apologized and wanted to work on the ACTUAL problems, she would have been irresistible.