Haven't seen H for 48 hrs= always puts me on edge - I get nervous about losing him.
We agreed to meet at 1pm to switch off S - I had a meeting and H was going to MIL's with S. I forgot my phone at home.
H txts and calls at 12:30 to ask if he could come 1/2 hr. late. I didn't get messages. H shows up at on time, apparently annoyed and irritable. H says first off "why didn't you get my messages" no hello to me or my friends. I ask what I can do to clarify any questions and he says well it doesn't help him now. Doesn't tell me what the messages were about.
I ask what time he is staying at MIL's until because I would like to come by after my meeting. H sounds annoyed and says he doesn't want that. H says he "doesn't want to deal with logistics". I don't by it but say, ok, even though I explain that I'll be done early and would rather be with S on my time off. I ask when he'll be done at MIL's and home so that I can plan. H is still irritable and doesn't give an answer. I say ok, how about being home by dinner? Text me when he leaves? He cuts me off saying "ok, ok!" and just leaves.
I feel like crap the rest of the afternoon.
These is the same problems I've had with him since day 1 of our R.
- H is unfriendly with my social circle, so I feel he is uninterested in my life. - H is irritated and annoyed but won't say why - is snappy and cuts me off. Makes me feel like I'm a big problem for just talking. - H will not stick to our schedule, changes at the last minute, even though I have clearly stated I would like plans 24 hrs ahead. - H refuses to tell me his schedule and I have to risk "nagging" to get info. - H refuses to hear how his rude communication style hurts me. - I walk on eggshells, wondering what his mood will bring. - the worse part is that I don't feel he cares when he hurts me. he thinks "I'm too sensitive". I want him to care that those interactions hurt me, whether he intends them to or not.
Talked with my friend - she reminded me to get space (do my walk away/24hr rule) and not bring it up. If he is willing to hear me, he will bring it up. If not, I can bring it up in therapy or not at all.
He wanted you to text him back to say the change in schedule was okay. When you didn't, he walked in keyed up for a fight and it became a self-fulfilling destiny because maybe you had an irrritated look on your face as well. Maybe he was hostile and felt called out in front of your friends or still embarrassed about what they may or may not know about your recent separation. Maybe he feels like you are partying while he has to babysit.
Maybe he is still in the mode of accusing you of being controlling for having any boundaries or needs at all. Can you drop the 24 hours ahead issue totally for a few months? My H who is not as far along as yours, wants 100 percent control over scheduling. Yes, it is irritating. Can you view it as a temporary six month situation and allow it without resentment? Move it to the bottom of your priority list somehow?
Rereading your post, it seems that the right to be man of his own castle as regards to schedule is something he is defending to the teeth right now. Who knows what it represents to him? He views it as being bossed around or controlled apparently. Maybe you are trying to get too many issues fixed (needs met) at once in MC and he is feeling pressured and some stuff won't actually get fixed for another year or so.
Also, I don't think he's going to care right now that his communication style hurts you. I think he may still be in a power struggle with you. Maybe I'm wrong. Does he feel like you have always been in charge of the relationship or that he has?
He wanted you to text him back to say the change in schedule was okay. When you didn't, he walked in keyed up for a fight and it became a self-fulfilling destiny because maybe you had an irrritated look on your face as well. Maybe he was hostile and felt called out in front of your friends or still embarrassed about what they may or may not know about your recent separation. Maybe he feels like you are partying while he has to babysit.
Maybe he is still in the mode of accusing you of being controlling for having any boundaries or needs at all. Can you drop the 24 hours ahead issue totally for a few months? My H who is not as far along as yours, wants 100 percent control over scheduling. Yes, it is irritating. Can you view it as a temporary six month situation and allow it without resentment? Move it to the bottom of your priority list somehow?
At some time, all of the above have been true. I must clarify that four months ago I dropped the expectations of a schedule with H, esp. the 24 hr. one. It was something he was not ready to do so I gave it up. Yes, he wanted complete control. I wanted to pick my battles. Perhaps this is lingering, I do not know.
Making friends as a couple would be great = we have to be a couple first! lol.
He has in the past felt embarassed in front of my friends, wondering what they know, but lately not so much. Could also be lingering.
H came home in a cheery mood. I was glad the annoyance had passed! We've had a fine night here -= no drama. No love either, but thank god no anger/irritation like so many of you are facing, like I faced for so many months. WHEW
I think I will bring it up in MC tomorrow in that it represents a problem that I've had with him since day one - his unpredictable anger/irritation/rudeness. It's really killed me inside and added to the demise of our R (from my side).
Is H in a power struggle? for the last eight months, yes. Things are starting to shift majorly - his control tactics have gone way down. (ie - a couple months ago when my cat peed on the rug, H had a huge rage fit at me and I had to sleep somewhere else to get away from him. The old cat did it again recently, and H said tonight "Dont worry about it" GO FIGURE)
In our original R, I felt H had the power, but I think he has decided that he gave up too much power to me - because since he left he has been demanding and controlling and saying he shouldn't have put up with so much from me in the past. So it's been a phase and hopefully there will be some balance in the new R.
I brought up the incident with H and he said he wasn't angry at all. We talked it out and he confirmed he really did only want to not have logistic problems, not knowing how long S5 would last as his mom's little apt. etc...we kept it short, simple, calm. Boy I'm still on pins and needles from the last eight months. Glad I stayed calm and waited before bringing it up!
This is huge progress. H would not have calmly talked with me before and I would have sat and stewed.
He's doing way better with the talking. Now if I can only get him to listen better! He's good now at discussing openly. I still feel he is discussing his viewpoint more than listening to mine - but hey nobody's perfect.
And he even validated without me bringing it up - that he was abrupt and that he knows it may seem that he's more of a stickler about the time with me, and then expects me to be flexible for me. He said he didn't mean that and he understands that if he asks for a schedule change last minute he may not get it.
He wasn't upset! I misread his tension, stress, hurriedness - as anger. Partly from my childhood - my parents were emotionally abusive and angry at me a lot - and partly from the experience of H as being so angry these past eight months. I am so glad I slowed down, observed my reactions, vented here, and then calmed down. Didn't make a big deal about it. But the fact that we are starting to talk about "issues" is huge.
and, he asked "what do you want for your birthday". That made me feel good. Maybe it's just a token, but at least he's doing the polite thing~
Congrats. That all sounds like good news. My H, if we ever get there, doesn't like to discuss everything. He thinks of it as overdiscussing, I think. Maybe MC helps people with this.
