The frustrating thing about working on my negativity is that I have gotten so much more positive the past 3-4 years. I started on a mild anti-anxiety, anti-d at that time and it made a huge difference in how I perceived life in general.
I mostly get defensive about work stuff. It's too long to explain here, but I have big insecurities about some aspects of it; I have co-workers who EXCEL at the areas I am weakest in; X and I worked on projects together that involve those skills. So when I make a mistake in that area, it brings up HUGE insecurity which I block with defensiveness.
X did say that I had gotten to the point where I wasn't being supportive of problems at his work--when he ran into some of the same issues I had, rather than be supportive, I would sort of gloat that the same thing happened to him. And this is true. I was very jealous that he had great success and praise at his work in some of the same areas that I was having trouble with.
I am trying to be very conscious of replacing neg thoughts with positive ones. At work the other day I thought "ha ha! My co-worker just did this totally dumb thing and I was right! (insert: right for once, bitter, jealous, insecure undertone) and I thought how I would tell this little story to X--ooops, that's right, we aren't together, can't tell him--and realized that it was EXACTLY the sort of neg story that was not pleasant to hear.
So I replaced it with something like: it feels good to work with co-worker and help make a better decision about what to do about this project.
Doing a lot of thought stopping these days.
Don't really want to share feelings with friends, though. I am at the point where I just don't want to talk about the sitch, my life, or my feelings. But hey, I guess I can share THAT feeling!
Doing my best to keep busy. I have been telling myself the past few days that there is no back-sliding--each day from now on is an IMPROVEMENT in how I have been feeling, no getting worse.
Keep those posts coming!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
