H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[flowmom]

You (general you) are doing what they ask... you are letting them go because they don't want to be married anymore. Sometimes it shocks them into rethinking that choice, sometimes not. Either way it's better than sitting around feeling like crap!

It feels like gambling to not wear my heart on my sleeve, but I also see the rationale of not pushing H away with pursuing him -- it's clear that won't work right now. Being consistently nice and avoiding conflict is a 180 for me. Not pursuing is a 180 for me too. And GAL is necessary too.

I held it together but it does feel really counterintuitive to not fight for what I want.

Okay, then what would be your plan of fighting for what you wanted?

In the past, I've reeled H back into our marriage with heartfelt "pep talks": "it's tough now but we'll get through this, etc.". But in retrospect the underlying issues weren't really addressed. It's not that I did nothing, but I don't think that I did the right things. I really wish that I had had access to solution-oriented support during that time.

This is the letter that I won't give to H right now:

I know that you're in a lot of pain right now, and that our marriage feels really unsafe for you. Please take 2 months to get some space, then move back in and give our marriage 6 months. We deserve another chance, and our children deserve that we try. You've heard me say that I'm trying really hard and that I've done my best to address your issues. The truth is, though, is that I got discouraged and gave up on some things. With the threat of losing everything we've worked for looming over my head, I see now that there are specific actions I can take that will create a more positive, harmonious marriage where there is more room for collaboration, fun, and intimacy. I haven't accepted all of you and I see more clearly ways that I've undermined you by my criticism, often indirectly by expressing contempt for your job, business, and hobby. I see now that refusing to accept you risks costing me the most important relationship of my life -- one that I would not intentionally jeopardize. If you open the door just a little to us, I want the chance to make adjustments to our family life so that there is more balance and less pressure on you. I'm not asking you to stay in an unhappy marriage, I'm asking for the chance to try something different with the goal of our both achieving happiness. We have so much to lose and a lot to gain here. If you decide that there is no hope for happiness in this marriage after giving it a Last Chance, then I'll do my best to accept it. But I can't accept our M being over right now.