My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

DQ--thank you so much for sharing your story in such a thoughtful way. It's immensely helpful to hear from people who have been through this, either as children themselves or as parents helping their children through the nonsense. I'd so like to hear more if anyone is open to sharing!

Somewhere earlier in the thread I discussed my own history with this--my mom left my dad for an abusive alchoholic when I was 10, handled it very selfishly. My dad died suddenly when I was 11, and throughout my adolescence I dealt with the cycle of abuse and my mother's rejection and her choice of this jerk over me, putting both of our lives in danger at times (I had a skull fracture and rib fractures show up on x-rays as an adult from incidents that remained untreated secrets as a child). And all thru it, my mom tried to force a relationship between me and the guy, and with his family. So I know what my daughter feels (altho this situation doesn't have physical abuse related to it) and I know it's psychologically harmful for xH to manage this as he has been. But I digress....

Try very hard not to worry that she will grow up with too many issues, because she will likely grow up very smart and kind, but very wise to the ways people can be. She will know he loves her, but that he will throw her under the bus for OW. This hurts, of course, but since it is her reality, it is best for her to see it directly.

So true. D13 (soon to be D14) is very smart and kind. And learning quickly these lessons you mention. We hate to see our children have to deal with this for sure, but you're right, it is a learning experience.

I do wish I had someone I could have vented to when I was her age about my father's behavior. Unfortunately, my entire family had also been hurt by him so they all could say nothing other than "well yep, that's your dad, he's done it to us, too". I wish I had someone outside my family who would have simply listened to me talk about it and hear the hurt in my voice, say "there there, poor dear" and then I could have at least felt justified in my feelings. I hope your D at least has something along those lines. I got by fine without counseling (which would come later), but simply a kind adult ear and shoulder would have really helped.

Yes--I realize in looking back that I felt more empowered to set and enforce boundaries when I had a chance to vent (altho those opportunities were rare, they did exist) and felt as if someone cared. Hopefully I will continue to be a safe place for D13 to vent, and am providing her support from wise and healthy adults. She has expressed several times that she finds it very comforting and reassuring to be able to talk (a little) and just be around people who know her situation and care about her, and who don't feel compelled to excuse her father for his poor and painful choices. There's been so much hypocrisy and denial among family and former friends that it seems almost crazy-making at times--as if our reality is not real but the reality as defined by xH is. So having adults who care, are supportive, and validate her experience and feelings is very helpful, as you said.

I'm already finding that I can look back at the past couple of years and not feel pain all the time. Sure, I have my moments--this was a huge betrayal, after all--but I'm finally able to separate my feelings and also acknowledge how I could have taken better care of myself throughout the marriage (and why I didn't). Moving ahead is still a slow process, but it is happening even if it's not as quickly as I'd like.

Thank you again, so very much, for sharing--and for caring enough to do so!